Boss' comments - am I being over sensitive?

azjh77 wrote: »

I work in an office and have a new boss who is a bit...'touchy /feely' she wants to know everything. We also have another boss sat on the section who has favourites and don't we know it!

Anyway whenever there is a conversation in the office they always seem to come around to my family situation. 2 examples:

We have tins of biscuits in work - which no-one eats as they are all on diets - I helped myself to one the other day and the 'boss' asks why she has never seen me bring biscuits in, (didn't realise it was compulsory! these are ones people bring back from hol's and we don't go on holiday!) I told her I was on a budget and she said 'perhaps your husband should get a job'...rather cheeky I thought.

Then the other day I was talking to someone about when our internet packed in and how my OH was 'lost' without his computer ..'He could go out and get a job then' was the comment my boss made.

Some background...I work, my husband is at home with our 4 kids. What annoys me is that
a) no-one would suggest to a man that his wife get a job, if she were at home with young children..
b) by what stretch of the imagination is looking after 4 kids 'not working'!.

Am I being over sensitive? I just ignore these ignorant people who don't understand a non-conformist lifestyle but am I wrong to be offended by this?
I don't make comments about my boss dumping her baby in a nursery just so she can earn beer money - that is her business, but my family dynamnic is my business and she should keep her comments to herself!

Ah now you see by the crack about her 'dumping the baby at nursery to earn beer money' you have proved you are as bad as she is. How do you know she isn't there at work as they need the money to support a dying grandparent in a care home or similar?

She thinks your husband should be working as well as you as so you don't have to be 'on a budget', you think she should assume the traditional gender role of stay at home mother, even though you don't yourself.

You are both hypocritical. I can't imagine why you don't get on.

Initially I would say nothing, log it all. If it continues and she makes a comment in public I would immediately ask to speak to her in private and explain that you have an issue with her making remarks about your personal life. Tell her that as your boss she has access to privileged information about you (although your husband staying at home may not count as such) and that you need to trust that she maintains a professional stance with regards such matters. I would be tempted to mention that you feel so concerned about it that you have gone for support outside of the office (i.e. here..but she won't know where). Once you have done this go IMMEDIATELY to human resources/personnel/her boss and tell them what has taken place, that you don't wish to take action but that you will give them a written copy of your version to keep in your file. First golden rule of office politics...always cover your a55!

I second what Primrose says - even better make a little sign saying 'made by my kids & OH Happy New Year'!
Personally, keep a note of comments/dates etc incase it goes further (hopefully it doesn't)

grahamliza4 wrote: »

Ah now you see by the crack about her 'dumping the baby at nursery to earn beer money' you have proved you are as bad as she is. How do you know she isn't there at work as they need the money to support a dying grandparent in a care home or similar?

She thinks your husband should be working as well as you as so you don't have to be 'on a budget', you think she should assume the traditional gender role of stay at home mother, even though you don't yourself.

You are both hypocritical. I can't imagine why you don't get on.

The difference is that the OP is not saying it directly to her boss and her boss is in a position of power over her.

Some people believe that it is a good thing to 'say it as it is', in my experience these same 'forthright' individuals are then hurt and outraged when someone is equally rude...I mean forthright to them too.

Lots of interesting assumptions in your post too. We don't know why the boss thinks the husband should get a job - your explanation I find simplistic but plausible as a part explanation (don't forget the boss also commented about the internet seeming to imply - to me at least - that people without paid employment must be bored or at the very least spend all day doing displacement activities rather than looking after the children). We also don't know that the OP thinks that the boss should be a stay at home parent - just that she feels one parent being a stay at home is preferable to nursery care. She may have made the beer money comment as an example of how offensive she found the boss' comment and been pointing out that she isn't saying things like that to her boss or she may just have been angry and upset. I find comments made in anger tend to be overstated compared to the normal viewpoint of the person making them.

Personally, I agree with answering (because there will be a next time) something along the lines of 'my husband is a stay at home dad looking after 4 children - his job is much harder than mine' with a smile at the end. If it's pushed then I would say that the extra money isn't worth the time that your kids get spending with their dad and knowing there is someone at home for them. I would then say something like 'different things work for different families' to underline the fact that these are your views for your family and not criticisms of your boss.

Try to stop this type of comment upsetting you - we all feel guilty about our children whether we work or don't work, work part time or whatever and some people can only deal with that guilt by denigrating people who have made a different decision to them. I'd feel a bit sorry for her myself.

It is (unfortunately) good advice to keep times and dates of these comments in case things go further and to buy the odd pack of cheap biscuits as your boss obviously notices these things.

Sou

azjh77 wrote: »

We have tins of biscuits in work - which no-one eats as they are all on diets - I helped myself to one the other day and the 'boss' asks why she has never seen me bring biscuits in, (didn't realise it was compulsory! these are ones people bring back from hol's and we don't go on holiday!)

Doesn't matter where they come from - in any office environment it's only polite to take if you can also contribute. We have a similar thing in our office where everyone buys cakes or biscuits (or fruit!) for the office every so often. We even share lunch bits (bread, fillings etc) if someone runs out, but we all return the favour to one another. And if I couldn't afford to pitch in every so often (even just as a token gesture with Tesco value or something - which is what one of my colleagues does, and it is very gratefully received!), I certainly wouldn't just help myself to what everyone else buys.

azjh77 wrote: »

I told her I was on a budget and she said 'perhaps your husband should get a job'...rather cheeky I thought.

It is a bit cheeky and a bit personal, but I can understand the motivation behind it, I'm afraid. However the fact that it comes from your boss is a bit inappropriate, for sure. Perhaps you can talk to her, or even her superior?

azjh77 wrote: »

Some background...I work, my husband is at home with our 4 kids. What annoys me is that
a) no-one would suggest to a man that his wife get a job, if she were at home with young children..
b) by what stretch of the imagination is looking after 4 kids 'not working'!

I don't think that is the motivation at all behind the comments. It's more likely to be simply based on the fact that you helped yourself to something bought by others but don't contribute yourself, and that can rub people up the wrong way - even if it is only biscuits, it's the principle of the thing.

Also, many couples, even with four children, both have to work in order to afford to live, so in a way it is a little bit of a luxury for one of you to be able to stay at home and look after them. I'm not saying it's easy to bring up four children in any way (and I applaud you and your hubby for being tough enough to do it!), but if things are that tight, perhaps your husband working part-time at least is a possibility.

Just some thoughts, I hope they help