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  • FIRST POST
    • last mile
    • By last mile 10th Apr 18, 3:44 PM
    • 62Posts
    • 265Thanks
    last mile
    Am I over reacting?
    • #1
    • 10th Apr 18, 3:44 PM
    Am I over reacting? 10th Apr 18 at 3:44 PM
    Hi All,

    Iím back again and I suppose Iím just looking to be heard.
    Iíve been lurking while I tried to work through the issues we had.
    I donít think it has worked as I still feeling like I never know whats coming next.

    But the issue that has driven me back today is a long standing issue.
    I have a hen do to attend this weekend, it will be very small and more civilised.
    Weíre going cupcake decorating then dinner and drinks then home.

    Now my husband attended the stag last week, normally I would have expected him to try and wiggle out of it but I suppose he wanted to go so it was never mentioned in negativity.
    I dropped him at the station mid-afternoon and truth be told given his previous actions expected him home by 8:30-9.
    He didnít get home until 11:45 and we pretty cheery in fact.

    Since then he keeps going on about where ill be and what ill be doing and how he wants me home early like 8.
    Along with his mentioning that in fact he doesnít think I should go at all.
    It annoys me that he can go off and do as he pleases but I am dictated to about my actions etc.

    Just wanted to vent but I am seriously feeling that if he ruins this day out, the first I have had in forever, Iíll have to say something.
Page 1
    • littleredhen
    • By littleredhen 10th Apr 18, 3:47 PM
    • 3,092 Posts
    • 3,342 Thanks
    littleredhen
    • #2
    • 10th Apr 18, 3:47 PM
    • #2
    • 10th Apr 18, 3:47 PM
    I would be clear that you don't know what time you will be home and then leave it at that, in relationships it is quite easy to keep going over the same ground but don't, as long as you are clear and you enjoy yourself there is nothing he can do to spoil it as he will only spoil it if you allow him to.
    The mind is like a parachute. It doesnít work unless itís open.

    A winner listens, a loser just waits until it is their turn to talk
    • last mile
    • By last mile 10th Apr 18, 3:51 PM
    • 62 Posts
    • 265 Thanks
    last mile
    • #3
    • 10th Apr 18, 3:51 PM
    • #3
    • 10th Apr 18, 3:51 PM
    the thing is if i say that, i dont know or even maybe 10 ill have to spend the whole week leading up to it in "hell" listening to him going on and on about it.
    Then on the day he'll break down about it trying to make me stay home and then when i do leave he'll text all the time and when i dont answer quick enough he'll start calling.
    • Newtothis92
    • By Newtothis92 10th Apr 18, 3:51 PM
    • 32 Posts
    • 17 Thanks
    Newtothis92
    • #4
    • 10th Apr 18, 3:51 PM
    • #4
    • 10th Apr 18, 3:51 PM
    Hi

    Just wanted to say I'm in a very similar situation and can fully appreciate how you feel.

    All I can suggest is going ahead with your plans as you would, as ammending them/cancelling them is not appeasing him and is simply giving him what he wants. And if it's anything like my experience this is setting precedent for the future. He will behave like this again and expect it to work.

    As long as you are not being inconsiderate to him (which it doesn't sound like you are) he should be happy for you to be doing something that will make you happy.

    Just my opinion anyway
    • Newtothis92
    • By Newtothis92 10th Apr 18, 3:54 PM
    • 32 Posts
    • 17 Thanks
    Newtothis92
    • #5
    • 10th Apr 18, 3:54 PM
    • #5
    • 10th Apr 18, 3:54 PM
    Wow your latest post just mirrored my situation. I fully feel for you and while I want to suggest running a mile in the opposite direction, and be happy doing what you want without having to feel hesitant about plans that other couples wouldn't bat an eyelid at, I suppose I have to learn to take my own advice before doling it out to others.
    • last mile
    • By last mile 10th Apr 18, 3:58 PM
    • 62 Posts
    • 265 Thanks
    last mile
    • #6
    • 10th Apr 18, 3:58 PM
    • #6
    • 10th Apr 18, 3:58 PM
    i've had this for almost 9 years and yes i know this is a long time.
    I always push back on it but i very rarely do things without him hence it means i "get over" it quickly once its past. i think my problem is that i just feel like i am being suffocated.
    • littleredhen
    • By littleredhen 10th Apr 18, 3:59 PM
    • 3,092 Posts
    • 3,342 Thanks
    littleredhen
    • #7
    • 10th Apr 18, 3:59 PM
    • #7
    • 10th Apr 18, 3:59 PM
    The problem is you cannot let another person control you and if that is what is happening then you have to do something about it "easier said than done" I hear you say but I am not saying it is going to be easy but if you don't stop the controlling it will get worse, I hope you get support from your family, friends to stop this from happening
    The mind is like a parachute. It doesnít work unless itís open.

    A winner listens, a loser just waits until it is their turn to talk
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 10th Apr 18, 4:13 PM
    • 30,122 Posts
    • 77,412 Thanks
    Mojisola
    • #8
    • 10th Apr 18, 4:13 PM
    • #8
    • 10th Apr 18, 4:13 PM
    I have a hen do to attend this weekend, it will be very small and more civilised. We!!!8217;re going cupcake decorating then dinner and drinks then home.

    Now my husband attended the stag last week

    He didn!!!8217;t get home until 11:45.

    Since then he keeps going on about where ill be and what ill be doing and how he wants me home early like 8.

    Along with his mentioning that in fact he doesn!!!8217;t think I should go at all.

    It annoys me that he can go off and do as he pleases but I am dictated to about my actions etc.
    Originally posted by last mile
    It annoys you but not enough to put a stop to it?

    Tell him you'll be getting home when the do is finished - just like him after the stag do. And turn your phone off while you're out so he can't keep contacting you.

    You've got to decide whether you want to spend your life with a controlling man or not.
    • last mile
    • By last mile 10th Apr 18, 4:14 PM
    • 62 Posts
    • 265 Thanks
    last mile
    • #9
    • 10th Apr 18, 4:14 PM
    • #9
    • 10th Apr 18, 4:14 PM
    God dont i know it.
    its defo never as easily done, but i think if he ruins this hen im going to take action.
    • WibblyGirly
    • By WibblyGirly 10th Apr 18, 4:23 PM
    • 427 Posts
    • 780 Thanks
    WibblyGirly
    I will not have any partner dictating to me what time I should be home or that I shouldn't go. Just because you are in a partnership does not mean you stop being an independent individual.
    I would say you don't know what time you'll be home then ignore all texts and calls on the night out if he is pestering you to come home.
    • TBagpuss
    • By TBagpuss 10th Apr 18, 4:34 PM
    • 6,959 Posts
    • 9,182 Thanks
    TBagpuss
    Hi All,

    Iím back again and I suppose Iím just looking to be heard.
    Iíve been lurking while I tried to work through the issues we had.
    I donít think it has worked as I still feeling like I never know whats coming next.

    But the issue that has driven me back today is a long standing issue.
    I have a hen do to attend this weekend, it will be very small and more civilised.
    Weíre going cupcake decorating then dinner and drinks then home.

    Now my husband attended the stag last week, normally I would have expected him to try and wiggle out of it but I suppose he wanted to go so it was never mentioned in negativity.
    I dropped him at the station mid-afternoon and truth be told given his previous actions expected him home by 8:30-9.
    He didnít get home until 11:45 and we pretty cheery in fact.

    Since then he keeps going on about where ill be and what ill be doing and how he wants me home early like 8.
    Along with his mentioning that in fact he doesnít think I should go at all.
    It annoys me that he can go off and do as he pleases but I am dictated to about my actions etc.

    Just wanted to vent but I am seriously feeling that if he ruins this day out, the first I have had in forever, Iíll have to say something.
    Originally posted by last mile
    Why not say something now?

    "i'm glad that you enjoyed the stag do last weekend. I want to make sure that I am able to enjoy the hen party. I don't know how late it will run. I know with the stag do I was expecting you would be back by 9, in the event it was almost midnight. It may be that the hen party is similar, so you need to be aware that I may not be back until late, and that I won't know in advance when I will be back.
    I want to be able to relax and enjoy the floe of the day, so I don't want to feel I need to kept updating you about what we are doing, or to have you text and phone me." (you could add in something like "I will text you if I am going to be later than Midnight, so you aren't sitting up waiting for me" )

    I do appreciate that it is very difficult to stand up to someone who is controlling .

    When you mention that you have been working through things, has this involved any form of joint counselling? If so, can you refer to that, to remind him that what he is doing is behaving in the way that was causing the problems initially?
    • last mile
    • By last mile 10th Apr 18, 4:51 PM
    • 62 Posts
    • 265 Thanks
    last mile
    we've been trying and he agreed to counseling but every time i try to arrange it he isn't ready for that yet.
    he's been diagnosed with depression and anxieties so i feel like i have to bend a little more often than not.
    I doubt explaining to him would work he'll just say im doing it on purpose and then it will escalate.
    i just want a normal life where being home 15 mins late isnt a big thing or having to go to a dress fitting is a problem even when ive told him in advance
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 10th Apr 18, 4:58 PM
    • 39,249 Posts
    • 36,204 Thanks
    Savvy_Sue
    Children? If not, what are you waiting for. This isn't going to change.

    Take TBagpuss's advice, and if he doesn't like it, don't come home at all. Don't tell him that, just don't come home. You've got a few days to work out a strategy for that.

    (If there are children, then my advice remains but I recognise it's more complicated.)
    Still knitting!
    Completed: 1 adult cardigan, 3 baby jumpers, 3 shawls, 1 sweat band, 3 pairs baby bootees,
    1 Wise Man Knitivity figure + 1 sheep, 2 pairs socks, 2 hats, 2 balaclavas for seamen, 1 balaclava for myself, multiple poppies, 3 peony flowers, 4 butterflies ...
    Current projects: ready to decrease / decreasing on all parts of the mohair cardigan pattern! but moved onto wrist warmers for friends at Christmas ...
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 10th Apr 18, 4:59 PM
    • 39,249 Posts
    • 36,204 Thanks
    Savvy_Sue
    Cross posted with you. Yes, you MAY have to bend a little. But this isn't a little. This is a lot. HE has to deal with HIS anxieties, you can't fix them. Because clearly, even if you do what he wants, he remains anxious.
    Still knitting!
    Completed: 1 adult cardigan, 3 baby jumpers, 3 shawls, 1 sweat band, 3 pairs baby bootees,
    1 Wise Man Knitivity figure + 1 sheep, 2 pairs socks, 2 hats, 2 balaclavas for seamen, 1 balaclava for myself, multiple poppies, 3 peony flowers, 4 butterflies ...
    Current projects: ready to decrease / decreasing on all parts of the mohair cardigan pattern! but moved onto wrist warmers for friends at Christmas ...
    • Newtothis92
    • By Newtothis92 10th Apr 18, 5:05 PM
    • 32 Posts
    • 17 Thanks
    Newtothis92
    My partner literally sounds like your parnters twin. In heated arguments when he's angry he will say "I'm not well and you don't care. Why won't you help me?" .. well frankly cos I'm not a psychiatric nurse and have no idea how to help. He becomes that frustrated with himself he could literally have the argument without me being there - nothing I say is taken on board so talking about it isn't an option, as like you said it escalates.

    But as I have said you are not a psychiatric nurse nor are you his emotional punch bag. Yes relationships arnt perfect and have to be worked at from both sides but it can't be all you tip toeing around him for an easier life. (Again I wish I could take my own advice)

    Personally I'm at the point where I won't mention plans until as close as possible (Like the day before) as I can't deal with the problem it causes from the time I tell him to the time I'm due to go.
    I would probably tell him I'll be home when it's over, that'll prob be about 9 or 10 and after a couple of wines let him know it'll be a little later (I too get the constant texts and phonecalls when I'm out). This will probably cause a problem but you going in the first place is also a problem and maybe this will make him realise that you are actually a person, with your own life and own mind that can make your own big girl decisions, Like what time to go home, without his input.

    I really really do resonate with how you feel.
    • pollypenny
    • By pollypenny 10th Apr 18, 5:11 PM
    • 25,303 Posts
    • 66,346 Thanks
    pollypenny
    Being 'not well' yet well enough to enjoy a stag do himself, but want OP back home after a short time sounds very calculating to me.


    OP, you are not off to see the Chippendales, but a sedate activity followed by a meal. Go and enjoy yourself. Tell your partner to grow up.
    Last edited by pollypenny; 11-04-2018 at 11:28 AM.
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 10th Apr 18, 5:12 PM
    • 11,143 Posts
    • 14,768 Thanks
    hazyjo
    God, I have a friend like this - her BF rings constantly when we're out asking what time she'll be home (they don't even live together!) and I find it so irritating. She's told him once, that should be the end of it! She'll be on the phone through dinner, going outside for cig breaks and ringing him, and her phone constantly flashes with texts and missed calls.


    My BF worries when I'm out, and I ring him when I'm on my way home, but that's all I let him get away with! If he tried controlling me, it would end up in one almighty row (first time - not several years into our relationship).


    Really not sure how you think all that will fit into a day/night and you being home by 8 lol! I'd be lucky to be in the door before 11pm/midnight on a night out locally with friends!


    You don't think maybe they got up to something like strippers/sex shows and, despite enjoying being one of the lads for a change, he's now been mulling it over and wondering what might go on during a hen night and not wanting you to go?


    Why's it the first night out you've had in ages? Lack of friends or have you stopped going out to avoid the grief you'll get?


    Unfortunately it sounds like it's got out of hand already. Sounds very controlling :/


    You're his partner, not his teenage daughter! Does he trust you or not?!
    2018 wins: Single Malt Whisky; theatre tickets; festival tickets; year of gin(!); shoes; Thai cooking stuff; Jo Brand talk; Slime Factory; Flawless tickets; Comedy night tickets; Triominos
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 10th Apr 18, 5:26 PM
    • 11,143 Posts
    • 14,768 Thanks
    hazyjo
    I would probably tell him I'll be home when it's over, that'll prob be about 9 or 10 and after a couple of wines let him know it'll be a little later
    Originally posted by Newtothis92
    Ah, that's the wrong way round - you need to tell someone who's anxious, a worrier or a controller that you'll be home LATER than you're likely to get home. When you walk through the door at 9pm/10pm and you've said it might be 11pm, they're always happy to see you rather than moody lol!
    2018 wins: Single Malt Whisky; theatre tickets; festival tickets; year of gin(!); shoes; Thai cooking stuff; Jo Brand talk; Slime Factory; Flawless tickets; Comedy night tickets; Triominos
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 10th Apr 18, 5:56 PM
    • 2,450 Posts
    • 3,452 Thanks
    NeilCr
    Ah, that's the wrong way round - you need to tell someone who's anxious, a worrier or a controller that you'll be home LATER than you're likely to get home. When you walk through the door at 9pm/10pm and you've said it might be 11pm, they're always happy to see you rather than moody lol!
    Originally posted by hazyjo
    This. Definitely this.

    I used to live with someone who suffered from depression and anxiety and always followed this route. Allowed for travel problems, I could have another beer if I was settled and stopped her worrying.

    I would also agree with those who said don't engage with his texts or phone calls. If you do it feeds him and it is, seriously, annoying for those you are with. I used to have an after works drinks with one of my female colleagues. Her husband was for ever ringing to check which train she was going to get and it completely interrupted our conversation. In the end I said something - next time I saw her she said she'd taken note of my comments and left him. I was rather flabbergasted but it has turned out very well - she is now with a lovely guy.

    I strongly sympathise with your remarks OP about the diagnosis. My ex was the same and it does cloud your thinking a bit about how to act. I, also, sometimes wasn't entirely sure about whether it was the illness talking or that she knew that certain actions would get a reaction. In the end I decided that I needed to get out and enjoy myself - it made me feel better and relaxed and it was good for her as I was able to be stronger and supportive around her. To be fair to my ex (whose strength in dealing with her issues I really admire although she could be a pain in the butt!) she wasn't as controlling as your OH is re going out.

    As others have said don't let him control you. My ex was controlling in certain areas and it's all too easy, sometimes, to give in.

    My only other thought is about the length of time you are going to be out. It's not a question of you going out earlier and he thinks (not that he should) that if you are going out it should be for about the same time as he was, is it?
    Last edited by NeilCr; 10-04-2018 at 6:02 PM.
    • barbiedoll
    • By barbiedoll 10th Apr 18, 7:14 PM
    • 4,916 Posts
    • 13,521 Thanks
    barbiedoll
    I do think that people who are just needy, jealous and controlling, can use the ďanxiety and depressionĒ card as a way of justifying their actions.

    I have a friend who suffers with anxiety and (occasionally) depression and although she may worry if her partner or children are out later than expected, she doesnít use it as a reason to make everyone stay at home. If anything, she tries really hard to encourage her kids to go out and have fun, her one big fear is that they end up like she has, scared and anxious, and unable to ever really enjoy life.

    On the other hand, a colleague of mine has constantly used her ďanxietyĒ to try to keep her (admittedly selfish) husband by her side. She now uses the same tactic to ensure that her grown-up children accompany her everywhere, she says that she canít get on public transport alone (a big old lie, she manages perfectly well when it suits her) and she insists that she gets very stressed when visiting so everyone has to go to her place for Christmas, birthdays and so on.

    I was married to a control freak. I didnít realise how abnormal it was until I got together with my current husband. We had just started living together and I was having a big night out with some work colleagues. I told him that I would call him later to let him know what time I was coming home. He asked why on earth I would do that? His only condition was that I was to call him immediately if I was in any trouble or needed a lift home. My ex would have sulked for days if I hadnít called him during the night, and I would have been expected to be home by a certain time. I thought this was normal in a marriage (if a bit unfair)

    OP; you donít need to succumb to his anxieties, nor to his demands. Treat him like you would a demanding and unreasonable toddler. Stay calm, repeat over and over that you will be going out, you may/will be late and you wonít be answering calls or texts unless itís a life-threatening emergency.

    Stay strong and enjoy your night out!
    "I may be many things but not being indiscreet isn't one of them"
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