Am I over reacting?

last_mile

Newtothis92 wrote: »

My partner literally sounds like your parnters twin. In heated arguments when he's angry he will say "I'm not well and you don't care. Why won't you help me?" .. well frankly cos I'm not a psychiatric nurse and have no idea how to help. He becomes that frustrated with himself he could literally have the argument without me being there - nothing I say is taken on board so talking about it isn't an option, as like you said it escalates.

But as I have said you are not a psychiatric nurse nor are you his emotional punch bag. Yes relationships arnt perfect and have to be worked at from both sides but it can't be all you tip toeing around him for an easier life. (Again I wish I could take my own advice)

Personally I'm at the point where I won't mention plans until as close as possible (Like the day before) as I can't deal with the problem it causes from the time I tell him to the time I'm due to go.
I would probably tell him I'll be home when it's over, that'll prob be about 9 or 10 and after a couple of wines let him know it'll be a little later (I too get the constant texts and phonecalls when I'm out). This will probably cause a problem but you going in the first place is also a problem and maybe this will make him realise that you are actually a person, with your own life and own mind that can make your own big girl decisions, Like what time to go home, without his input.

I really really do resonate with how you feel.

Newtothis92 this is where I'm at and it feels good to know others are experiencing the same.
unfortunately i could avoid it as it is a family event and so discussed often.

i am standing my ground on this one but if he ruins it like he ruined my own hen night i think i might need to make some decisions on how we go forward.

Nope no kids involved here just 2 cats and a dog but they've already chosen their favorites.
this is just natural animal behavior mixed with who has to deal with their messes lol.

davidwood681

You are going out with a weak and insecure ''man''

The problem isn't you, it's him. He fears that you'll find someone better whilst you're out and he can't handle it.

A confident man would tell you to have a good time safe in the knowledge that you won't be on the look out for anyone better because, in his eyes, there's no one better.

Go out, have fun and if he starts to trying to control you find someone better.

Out,_Vile_Jelly

Do you enjoy his company enough to make up for this tedious trait? Only you can answer that.

I personally do not have the patience or energy for this type of behaviour. The time for arguing about what time you get home is when you're a teenager. It's boring when grown adults make a thing out of it.

skint_chick

I definitely think you need to explain to him that he knows where you are/who you are with and it's a hen night so you probably won't be home until 1am. He shouldn't wait up or call/text you because you are a responsible adult and will get home safe when you're ready. Just because he is anxious/depressed is not a reason to pander to his every request. You love him and care about his feelings so don't want to promise a time to be home because you are an adult and that's not what adults do.

If there is no trust from him that you won't run off with some random stranger then your relationship is over. You should be able to come home whatever time you want. Promising to be home at 9/10/whenever isn't a realistic way forward with a relationship. He should trust you that you're responsible enough to get home safely when YOU are finished with your night.

My husband never bothers me on a night out, he will gladly come and get me if I call for a lift and he's not busy. Otherwise he is just happy to play his xbox/watch tv and go to bed when he's ready. I'm the same when he goes out - I'll go and collect him and assorted mates if they need a lift - but I wouldn't think to text him. He knows I'll go to bed and he wouldn't call after midnight unless I'd said it was OK in advance!

There's nothing worse than when you're out with friends, your partner knows where you are and who you're with, but still feels the need to text or call about something unimportant. Fair enough if the house had burned down/been burgled or someone taken to hospital, but just to let you know what they're having for dinner or they're bored, no thanks! I know when hubby's out I'm too busy getting on with my own to do list/tv shows/girly pamper night to be texting him.

His anxiety and depression need to be dealt with and a part of that is finding his independence and activities to do while alone instead of sitting about worrying what you're doing - when it's just decorating cupcakes and a few drinks.

Savvy_Sue

Is he actually getting any help with his depression and anxiety, or does he make excuses for that too? The medication didn't work (no, it doesn't immediately it needs time to take effect); the waiting list for counselling is too long (maybe, but is he still on it?) or he didn't like the counsellor or ... it's easier to just hold you responsible for making him feel better? Which you can't.

I think I'm with Jelly. Is it worth it?

barbiedoll

Out,_Vile_Jelly wrote: »

Do you enjoy his company enough to make up for this tedious trait? Only you can answer that.

I personally do not have the patience or energy for this type of behaviour. The time for arguing about what time you get home is when you're a teenager. It's boring when grown adults make a thing out of it.

It is boring, and when you’re living with this, it’s also demeaning, extremely stressful, and very, very tiresome. Having to constantly justify yourself, and your actions (tea, cake and a few drinks.....really?) and, in my case, defending my friends, my family (“Why do you have to see your mum every week?”) and even my job (because wearing a skirt to work is “flashing my legs” to all and sundry)

It’s also very easy to lose the energy to fight against it. Until one day, you take a look at yourself and wonder where your life has gone. Too many nights stuck at home, missing out on the fun. Too many concessions because it’s too much effort to argue.

Living with someone who has an ongoing illness, or disability, does mean sacrifices. But that cuts both ways. If anything, he should encourage you to go and enjoy yourself once in a while. After all, me managed to get out for a stag do, why is he making it so difficult for you?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Ignore him.

Ignore any 'migraines', any 'suggestions for a lovely night in', the inevitable escalation to 'you're going out to pick up men' and any threats of 'there's no point to anything anymore, you don't love me' and go out.

Keep your phone switched off. If it's on, there will be constant messages - and just as likely one 'just saying Goodbye' to make you go rushing back for fear of what you will find.

If he's particularly manipulative, you could get back to find empty blister packs of painkillers on the side. He won't have taken them, it's just to frighten you. The solution to that one is, just in case he's actually taken some, to call the ambulance and tell them he says he's taken x then he either admits that he hasn't when they get there - or they cart him off to hospital where he cannot lie about it anymore and gets booted back out into the night with no bus fare. Either way, don't go with him.


Been there, done that. If you don't show complete disinterest, it just continues forever until you're getting grief for washing your hair or brushing your teeth and if you go and do the shopping, you're accused of going to Tesco's to pick up strange men for a quickie round the back of the Baked Goods section. And if you then switch to internet shopping, you'll then be accused of having online affairs/neglecting him by looking at a computer screen instead of him.

Somebody like that will not be happy until you're locked in the house with the curtains drawn - and even then, the prospect of repair men, the postman, the bloke across the road or randoms knocking at the door will be a source of accusations from him.


Look on it another way - he's going to moan and whine whatever you do - so you might as well get a night out away from it for a change. Who knows, you might actually enjoy yourself without him?

Savvy_Sue

OP, there was an absolutely fascinating programme on Radio 4 tonight: The Digital Human: Shame. Not all of it will be relevant to you but as I was listening I was thinking of you!

last_mile

Our time spent together mainly consists of eating while watching a movie or him playing a game while i either watch Tv on my tablet or read a book. So i suppose the answer is not exciting enough.
I am definitely running out of patience with it all.
Good grief Barbiedoll its like we live the same life.
Savvy_sue, he is on medication but tends to not take them over the weekends saying hes forgot because hes out of routine. and he hasn't even registered for counciling for himself because hes "not ready for that". I'm going to give that radio 4 programme a listen thanks you ]

Jojo the Tightfisted - oh good the migraines and sore heads are a daily occurrence. he claims its coz his office is hot and hes not drinking enough but it stops him doing almost anything round the house.

Oakdene

last_mile wrote: »

Our time spent together mainly consists of eating while watching a movie or him playing a game while i either watch Tv on my tablet or read a book. So i suppose the answer is not exciting enough.
I am definitely running out of patience with it all.
Good grief Barbiedoll its like we live the same life.
Savvy_sue, he is on medication but tends to not take them over the weekends saying hes forgot because hes out of routine. and he hasn't even registered for counciling for himself because hes "not ready for that". I'm going to give that radio 4 programme a listen thanks you ]

Jojo the Tightfisted - oh good the migraines and sore heads are a daily occurrence. he claims its coz his office is hot and hes not drinking enough but it stops him doing almost anything round the house.

FWIW My ex partner loved going out with the girls & getting into very dunken states & all I asked her to do was let me know she was home safe, of if she was staying at mine, I would try to wait up for her. When it was my turn to go out with friends, or a stag she would be texting, calling every hour & if I didn't answer she would say she couldn't cope anymore & didn't want to be here. For example if I was stood next to a woman in a group photo & that went on social media, I would get a call asking who she is & how long I have been sleeping with her for....

At the time, I couldn't see what she was doing but she made me feel guilty for having a good time with my friends. It took me too long to work it out & it was only when a friend of mine made me see it a little clearer.

I guess you have to ask if, his feelings & pressuring aside, you are really happy with the way things are.