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    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 9th Apr 18, 7:49 PM
    • 2,821Posts
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    ska lover
    When to stop financially supporting adult kids
    • #1
    • 9th Apr 18, 7:49 PM
    When to stop financially supporting adult kids 9th Apr 18 at 7:49 PM
    As above really - when did you stop ''regularly' financially supporting your adult offspring?

    Following on from a conversation I had recently with a friend and we both had quite differing view points on this.

    I would be interested to hear what, if any, financial assistance people happily give their adult kids or did you feel adult kid was relying too much whilst you went without in middle age?

    BTW i hate the term ''adult kids'' I just can't think of a better way to term it

    I know there are no right or wrong answers to this
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
Page 1
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 9th Apr 18, 7:54 PM
    • 3,612 Posts
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    Tabbytabitha
    • #2
    • 9th Apr 18, 7:54 PM
    • #2
    • 9th Apr 18, 7:54 PM
    The simple answer's "when they become adults" - with the odd exception, obviously.
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 9th Apr 18, 7:58 PM
    • 2,821 Posts
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    ska lover
    • #3
    • 9th Apr 18, 7:58 PM
    • #3
    • 9th Apr 18, 7:58 PM
    The simple answer's "when they become adults" - with the odd exception, obviously.
    Originally posted by Tabbytabitha
    Yes i agree
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
    • littlegreenparrot
    • By littlegreenparrot 9th Apr 18, 8:03 PM
    • 247 Posts
    • 1,606 Thanks
    littlegreenparrot
    • #4
    • 9th Apr 18, 8:03 PM
    • #4
    • 9th Apr 18, 8:03 PM
    I think you need to be a bit more specific about what you mean by 'supporting'.
    As a student I did not pay housekeeping during holidays, but was not given money.
    Siblings have been bailed out in emergencies, or given a roof when needed.
    • Detroit
    • By Detroit 9th Apr 18, 8:20 PM
    • 747 Posts
    • 2,332 Thanks
    Detroit
    • #5
    • 9th Apr 18, 8:20 PM
    • #5
    • 9th Apr 18, 8:20 PM
    When bailing them out prevents them taking responsibility.
    When you do it as a means of control.
    When you need them to be dependent on you to validate yourself.
    When they don't appreciate the value of money.
    When they have an attitude of entitlement.
    When they keep repeating the same mistakes.
    When other people you care for are negatively impacted.
    When you start to resent it.


    Put your hands up.
    • John-K
    • By John-K 9th Apr 18, 8:40 PM
    • 654 Posts
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    John-K
    • #6
    • 9th Apr 18, 8:40 PM
    • #6
    • 9th Apr 18, 8:40 PM
    I was driven to University at eighteen, dropped off, and that was pretty much that, which seemed about right.

    From fifteen I!!!8217;d worked in a shop on the weekends, for money for clothes, nights ou, holidays etc. Again, it seemed about right that when I could do this I stopped getting any money from my parents.

    They still fed me at home, and did not ask for rent.
    • BorisThomson
    • By BorisThomson 9th Apr 18, 8:49 PM
    • 1,586 Posts
    • 3,431 Thanks
    BorisThomson
    • #7
    • 9th Apr 18, 8:49 PM
    • #7
    • 9th Apr 18, 8:49 PM
    When bailing them out prevents them taking responsibility.
    When you do it as a means of control.
    When you need them to be dependent on you to validate yourself.
    When they don't appreciate the value of money.
    When they have an attitude of entitlement.
    When they keep repeating the same mistakes.
    When other people you care for are negatively impacted.
    When you start to resent it.
    Originally posted by Detroit
    Brilliant, considered answer.
    • maman
    • By maman 9th Apr 18, 9:52 PM
    • 18,228 Posts
    • 109,024 Thanks
    maman
    • #8
    • 9th Apr 18, 9:52 PM
    • #8
    • 9th Apr 18, 9:52 PM
    Definitely need more information to give a helpful answer.

    I give happily whenever I have an opportunity. I think what matters to me is that my DDs are financially independent so I treat them when I can but they never ask. Most recently I gave them some money for Easter. DD1 was going away so I got her some currency and sent the same in pounds to DD2.

    I'm able to afford it. It gives me pleasure and it's what my parents did for me.

    I think I'd feel different if they were wasting their own money and looking to me to bail them out.
    • Spendless
    • By Spendless 9th Apr 18, 10:14 PM
    • 20,229 Posts
    • 33,532 Thanks
    Spendless
    • #9
    • 9th Apr 18, 10:14 PM
    • #9
    • 9th Apr 18, 10:14 PM
    What is their life stage?

    My eldest is 18. He is legally an adult, but he's in his 2nd year at an FE college and I could still claim child benefit for him.

    In the Autumn he goes to University (hopefully - grades depending). He will still need to be supported by us financially, at least to start off with.
    • PrettyKittyKat
    • By PrettyKittyKat 9th Apr 18, 10:22 PM
    • 540 Posts
    • 496 Thanks
    PrettyKittyKat
    I lived with my Dad during university and when I left I worked two part time jobs whilst I looked for fulltime employment. He financially supported me, which meant giving me an allowance of 50 per month plus buying any food shopping I asked for and paying the household bills until I got my first fulltime job. He had told me to take some time to think about what I wanted to do after uni and look for a FT job I wanted, as he was able to continue supporting me financially. Although I did pay for my own expenses such as mobile phone, car insurance, petrol, eating out, clothes etc. Once I got my FT job I started to pay rent, although this was nominal as I was paying off student debt and saving to move out, and he still bought food I asked for (although I often bought my own!).
    • maman
    • By maman 9th Apr 18, 10:30 PM
    • 18,228 Posts
    • 109,024 Thanks
    maman
    I lived with my Dad during university and when I left I worked two part time jobs whilst I looked for fulltime employment. He financially supported me, which meant giving me an allowance of 50 per month plus buying any food shopping I asked for and paying the household bills until I got my first fulltime job. He had told me to take some time to think about what I wanted to do after uni and look for a FT job I wanted, as he was able to continue supporting me financially. Although I did pay for my own expenses such as mobile phone, car insurance, petrol, eating out, clothes etc. Once I got my FT job I started to pay rent, although this was nominal as I was paying off student debt and saving to move out, and he still bought food I asked for (although I often bought my own!).
    Originally posted by PrettyKittyKat
    What a heartening post.. I'm definitely with your dad on his supportive approach.
    • suki1964
    • By suki1964 9th Apr 18, 10:59 PM
    • 11,186 Posts
    • 29,887 Thanks
    suki1964
    We help our daughter and her family out quite often

    Not huge amounts, we aren't rich, but Id rather help her out now when she needs it rather then sit hoarding money to leave her when we die

    Hopefully by time we have shuffled off this mortal coil, she herself will be in a better place, kids out at school or working, so she too can work
    if you lend someone 20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 10th Apr 18, 8:58 AM
    • 2,821 Posts
    • 6,845 Thanks
    ska lover
    Hi there,


    Just for clarification as people are asking, we weren't talking treats as such, more like regular living costs: Rent, food .. for a mid 20 year old
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
    • Artytarty
    • By Artytarty 10th Apr 18, 9:17 AM
    • 2,208 Posts
    • 4,988 Thanks
    Artytarty
    We do, three adult children.
    Middle child, struggling to establish a career in the arts, needs the. OST support. Given on am monthly basis.
    Middle child, earns ten times average wage. They will willingly help out the above from time to time as they see the surplus earnings as a family resource to be spread around to ensure we are all ok.
    Youngest, still also in mid twenties, just starting in a good profession. Living rent free till he finds a house.

    It!!!8217;s tough and I look around at what our friends can do with their lives, rarely do I resent it. Only number one will need help for much longer but Oh will be retiring soon.
    Norn Iron Club member 473
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 10th Apr 18, 9:22 AM
    • 3,612 Posts
    • 5,909 Thanks
    Tabbytabitha
    Hi there,


    Just for clarification as people are asking, we weren't talking treats as such, more like regular living costs: Rent, food .. for a mid 20 year old
    Originally posted by ska lover
    Unless in some way vulnerable - definitely not.
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 10th Apr 18, 9:23 AM
    • 4,487 Posts
    • 10,235 Thanks
    onomatopoeia99
    I'm not a parent, but I was a child once so here's how it was for me.

    Once I left for university when I was 19 my parents loaned me money a couple of times in my early twenties to help with car purchases when I wanted to get cars that were only six years old rather than the under 500 bangers that I had been running, and I repaid them by standing order over a couple of years,

    Before university I lived with them paying fairly cheap rent (25/week including food and laundry, in the 1980s) from after my A levels during my "year off", that I spent working full time. I paid for my own car (purchase, maintenance, insurance etc)

    Outright cash gifts or help with living costs after leaving home? No.
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek.
    Home is where my books are.
    • gettingtheresometime
    • By gettingtheresometime 10th Apr 18, 9:28 AM
    • 3,919 Posts
    • 9,916 Thanks
    gettingtheresometime
    Son bought his first house last year and because as he's earning not a lot, we've helped out with little things like TV licence and buying him bits and bobs for the house.


    If I've been out shopping and seen a BOGOF offer that I know he'd use I've bought it for him but it's not a regular thing.


    Fortunately it looks like he will be changing jobs soon to a much higher paid one so that's when I think I'll stop.
    Lloyds OD / Natwest OD / PO CC / Wescott / Argos Card cleared thanks to the 1 debt v 100 day challenge


    Next on the list - JD Williams
    • Alikay
    • By Alikay 10th Apr 18, 9:43 AM
    • 4,796 Posts
    • 12,923 Thanks
    Alikay
    One person's "financially supporting" is another's "helping out". For our family, the helping out is a lifelong thing: It could be hard cash in the form of an interest-free loan, or a donation to help with a move or major bill, or an invite to come on holiday free of charge. All of those have been done by us or for us, with our parents and children. We're lucky enough to have a bit of spare cash these days, so why wouldn't we want to make life a little easier for those we love?
    • Alikay
    • By Alikay 10th Apr 18, 9:55 AM
    • 4,796 Posts
    • 12,923 Thanks
    Alikay
    Just for clarification as people are asking, we weren't talking treats as such, more like regular living costs: Rent, food .. for a mid 20 year old
    Originally posted by ska lover
    In this situation, I'd help with initial landlords deposit, or maybe legal or removal costs, but would expect them to choose a place they could afford. I may pick up the tab for a few bits of grocery shopping, or give a bit of cash towards a bill but would only tend to step in if there were an unexpected cost like a large repair bill, or sudden decrease in income.
    • Katapolt
    • By Katapolt 10th Apr 18, 10:05 AM
    • 225 Posts
    • 286 Thanks
    Katapolt
    As the youngest child in my family i have always found this to be a hot topic.

    My two oldest siblings both regularly receive financial and "other" support (free childcare ect) on a weekly basis, but my sibling just above me (3rd) had to move back home last year due to the breakdown of a 10 year relationship, resulting in her having to leave her work and move over 100 miles to start afresh - and has had nothing but aggro from the parents about it.

    Two oldest aren't responsible, cant hold jobs down or relationships. Prioritise nights out instead of their children.

    3rd works hard, saves her money, and is trying to build her life back up after a real low. she hopes to move out soon. Parents are "cutting her off" from financial help - so making her pay additional rent, own food, and the like, making it harder for her to save to move out...


    Personally, i think it depends on the efforts being made by the child. Im the youngest, got some help to clear some debt when buying a house, but since i was 18 i have worked full time, paid rent every month, never borrowed from them until i was gifted this money.
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