We'd like to remind Forumites to please avoid political debate on the Forum... Read More »
We're aware that some users are experiencing technical issues which the team are working to resolve. See the Community Noticeboard for more info. Thank you for your patience.
📨 Have you signed up to the Forum's new Email Digest yet? Get a selection of trending threads sent straight to your inbox daily, weekly or monthly!
lost, lonely and heartbroken
Options
Comments
-
Sorry to hear you're going through this.
From the point of view of somebody who's mother eventually decided to leave on New Year's Eve, don't inflict a date of breakup like this on your children. It's 35 years since she went, and I've never spoken to her by choice since, but it sticks in the memory and I'm unable to forget about it, every year. Everybody wants to celebrate the new year and be excited, I'd rather be in bed asleep forgetting it. Was alright before I met my OH, now I'm forced into a false jolity so I don't ruin other people's nights.Make £2025 in 2025
Prolific £229.82, Octopoints £4.27, Topcashback £290.85, Tesco Clubcard challenges £60, Misc Sales £321, Airtime £10.
Total £915.94/£2025 45.2%
Make £2024 in 2024
Prolific £907.37, Chase Intt £59.97, Chase roundup int £3.55, Chase CB £122.88, Roadkill £1.30, Octopus referral reward £50, Octopoints £70.46, Topcashback £112.03, Shopmium referral £3, Iceland bonus £4, Ipsos survey £20, Misc Sales £55.44Total £1410/£2024 70%Make £2023 in 2023 Total: £2606.33/£2023 128.8%0 -
Sorry to hear you're going through this.
From the point of view of somebody who's mother eventually decided to leave on New Year's Eve, don't inflict a date of breakup like this on your children. It's 35 years since she went, and I've never spoken to her by choice since, but it sticks in the memory and I'm unable to forget about it, every year. Everybody wants to celebrate the new year and be excited, I'd rather be in bed asleep forgetting it. Was alright before I met my OH, now I'm forced into a false jolity so I don't ruin other people's nights.
It must have been a desperate situation for your mother to leave on New Years Eve. My ex walked out on Christmas Day, leaving me sitting here with 2 children, one of whom was old enough to realise what was going on.
I refused to let what he did affect me, it was tough for the first few years but gradually, we became friends. I had to do this for my children, what he did, although extremely selfish, wasnt anything to do with them, it was his decision to have an affair, not theirs. My children have forgiven him, he's still their Dad, faults and all, but thats been helped by the fact that i've forgiven him too. I made the decision that i couldn't live the rest of my life hating someone, i'm just not made that way.
I think it's really sad that you never spoke to your mother after she left but i think it's even sadder that you still let it affect you like this.0 -
I have a thread and I am going through the same thing.
OK, I am a man and we've been together 13 years, and we have two small children (5 and 2).
Read my thread if you want, all I would say is that remember whatever emotions you are feeling it is normal. Don't beat yourself up for feeling sad, happy, whatever.
Don't move out - if he wants to leave, he can leave. If he wants you out and that is what is decided, do that once the divorce is final.
Until then, the only thing you can really do is to look after yourself. It is really hard, but what I found that helps me is talking to friends. I have also had counselling just for myself, which has really helped.
The thing for me is that I still don't understand what i've done wrong to have the person I am madly in Love with all of a sudden want to leave me? Then I overthink what I have or haven't done and I still don't get answers, as the truth is that it is nothing I have done wrong, it is not my issue. Similarly with you, there is nothing you have done wrong, so don't blame yourself.
Hugs for both of us needed and all i will say is that it will get a hell of a lot worse before it gets better.0 -
Sorry you find yourself in this position.
As far as benefits go you will need to prove you are separated. That is not easy to do when still living in the same house.
You need to cut all financial links with him. Bank accounts in your own name only , no joint accounts. Separate food shopping, separate outings etc
A joint mortgage and him still in the house will complicate matters so be prepared for lots of questions.
I don't know about other benefits but for tax credits you must be permanently separated so would need proof of that such as a separation agreement.
You need to discuss with him what his intentions are. You need answers to make plans for the future. not left in the dark. You need to be part of it.
You say he wants to live apart.
How does he intend to do that? Will he move out? When?
What will happen until then?
What financial arrangement does he intend to make for you and the children.
You need to have your say in the future plans, not just him.0 -
Seems like a good idea to stay in the house you are in for the moment. Not sure why you are looking at renting somewhere, you have somewhere to live. If he doesn't want to be there, that's his problem.
Second, he needs to man up. If he doesn't want to be with you - okay - he needs to move out. Seriously, what the hell is all that crap about not giving you hope? Spare bedroom isn't gonna do it. Move out. And pay your half of the mortgage, and pay for your children's maintenance. He said he wants to live apart - fine, get on with it. He can't say he doesn't want to be with you, move into the spare room and carry one like nothing else has changed.
He has every right to be there as she, according to the lawThis is a system account and does not represent a real person. To contact the Forum Team email forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com0 -
Dont take on responsibility for the majority of the debt just because its on your name ( if its joint debt )
I second the posts that say the whole situation has to be sorted asap , keeping you in limbo isnt fair. I know two people going through similer stuff at the moment and the worse thing for them has been being fobbed off with half truths ( and some downright lies ) Its much better to know exactly what is going on and where it leaves you right from the start ( one is female and one is male btw , so its not a man bashing post )
You will get through it , but you do need to be firm in insisting every thing is sorted nowVuja De - the feeling you'll be here later0 -
You don't have to do everything at once; go slow and do one thing at a time. Now is not a time to make big decisions, make small ones and ask anyone who's willing to listen for help. Ask for support wherever you can find it.
Seems like a good idea to stay in the house you are in for the moment. Not sure why you are looking at renting somewhere, you have somewhere to live. If he doesn't want to be there, that's his problem.
Second, he needs to man up. If he doesn't want to be with you - okay - he needs to move out. Seriously, what the hell is all that crap about not giving you hope? Spare bedroom isn't gonna do it. Move out. And pay your half of the mortgage, and pay for your children's maintenance. He said he wants to live apart - fine, get on with it. He can't say he doesn't want to be with you, move into the spare room and carry one like nothing else has changed.
If she's not happy, she could ofcourse move out....0 -
andydownes123 wrote: »He has every right to be there as she, according to the law
Of course he does, but he said he doesn't want to.Debt 1/1/17 - Credit Cards £17,280.23; overdrafts £3,777.24
Debt 5/1/18 - Credit Cards £3,188; overdrafts £00 -
If she's not happy, she could ofcourse move out....
My reading of it was that she was reasonably happy until he said he didn't want to be there. Are you suggesting she should move out because of that? Doesn't seem fair. She's already taking on more than her share by accepting the majority of the debt (which she shouldn't) and by taking what seems like sole responsibility for the children. This guy can't have his cake and eat it.Debt 1/1/17 - Credit Cards £17,280.23; overdrafts £3,777.24
Debt 5/1/18 - Credit Cards £3,188; overdrafts £00 -
My reading of it was that she was reasonably happy until he said he didn't want to be there. Are you suggesting she should move out because of that? Doesn't seem fair. She's already taking on more than her share by accepting the majority of the debt (which she shouldn't) and by taking what seems like sole responsibility for the children. This guy can't have his cake and eat it.
Agree with you, it is HIS decision (maybe fault is not the word here). Just because it's unfair emotionally, doesn't mean the financial/logistical split should be unfair in anyone's advantage.This is a system account and does not represent a real person. To contact the Forum Team email forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com0
This discussion has been closed.
Confirm your email address to Create Threads and Reply
Categories
- All Categories
- 350.7K Banking & Borrowing
- 253K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
- 453.4K Spending & Discounts
- 243.7K Work, Benefits & Business
- 598.5K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
- 176.8K Life & Family
- 256.9K Travel & Transport
- 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
- 16.1K Discuss & Feedback
- 37.6K Read-Only Boards