Your browser isn't supported
It looks like you're using an old web browser. To get the most out of the site and to ensure guides display correctly, we suggest upgrading your browser now. Download the latest:

Welcome to the MSE Forums

We're home to a fantastic community of MoneySavers but anyone can post. Please exercise caution & report spam, illegal, offensive or libellous posts/messages: click "report" or email forumteam@.

    • symesd
    • By symesd 27th Nov 17, 2:19 PM
    • 121Posts
    • 90Thanks
    lost, lonely and heartbroken
    • #1
    • 27th Nov 17, 2:19 PM
    lost, lonely and heartbroken 27th Nov 17 at 2:19 PM
    Well I was planning a lovely 20th Wedding Anniversary party until 3/4 weeks ago. Me and OH have been bickering on and off for about 2 years, but I thought we are just going through a rough patch due to debt problems - which are under control and will be all paid off in 14 months (yay). Then we had a row which ended in OH saying he's had enough and its over, he has said this before. So I just apologised and said we will both need to try harder and we can sort it out but this time it was different - he now says he doesnt love me and hasn't for a while - cannot put his finger on a date but could be as long as 3 years. So when I have asked in in past if he loved me and he has said yes he was lying.

    I still love him and would do anything to save our marriage but nothing I have said or done since this admission has made a difference. He will not talk to me and has said he just wants us to separate and wants it to be amicable.

    I am going through a rollercoaster of emotions - anger and frustration and its tearing me apart. I have begged him to try again and nothing is working.

    we have been together for 23 years this is almost half of my life and I really do not know anything else and cannot imagine my life without him. We have three daughters, ages 20, 14 & 12 (our eldest is at University so is not aware of the split) don't want to tell her whilst she is away from home. I am very worried about how this will affect her studies.

    I do not know what to do, but I guess I will have to accept its over as I have tried and tried to talk him into trying again, I have asked him to go to counselling but he will not saying it would not change anything.

    We have a joint house, but it is up for sale and needs work, has been up for sale for over a year and not getting may viewings.

    We are in debt - have an IVA - I have requested that this is now split into separate ones. Majority of debt in my name as I sort out all the family finances. We only have 14 payments left then we are debt free.

    He has moved into spare room, I have said he doesnt need to sleep separate but he has refused saying he didn't want to give me false hope and did not want me to try to grind him down and get him to stay. He has been very clear wants to live apart and wants to be selfish and look after himself and be away from me.

    He says he loves me for being the mother of our 3 children but doesnt love me in the way I want him to.

    Some days I am being totally practical and looking for advice and looking for places to rent for me and the girls, others I am just in pieces and trying to get him to stay.

    I have no idea what to do

    Do I do nothing until after Xmas
    Do I look for somewhere else to love with my girls - how can I afford this - I have sent for Tax credits form to fill in but will they pay out whilst we are still living in same house.
    some days I am crying on an off all day, other days I am angry and want to leave and move on with my life then I realise how much I love him and start crying again

    I am so distraught
    Debt 34,800 - Dec 2012
    Debt 12,500 (Dec 2015)
    Current Debt 6,435 (Nov 2017)
Page 2
    • andydownes123
    • By andydownes123 29th Nov 17, 9:34 AM
    • 197 Posts
    • 280 Thanks
    My reading of it was that she was reasonably happy until he said he didn't want to be there. Are you suggesting she should move out because of that? Doesn't seem fair. She's already taking on more than her share by accepting the majority of the debt (which she shouldn't) and by taking what seems like sole responsibility for the children. This guy can't have his cake and eat it.
    Originally posted by Sarastro
    Agree with you, it is HIS decision (maybe fault is not the word here). Just because it's unfair emotionally, doesn't mean the financial/logistical split should be unfair in anyone's advantage.
    • Slinky
    • By Slinky 29th Nov 17, 4:53 PM
    • 5,189 Posts
    • 23,977 Thanks
    It must have been a desperate situation for your mother to leave on New Years Eve. My ex walked out on Christmas Day, leaving me sitting here with 2 children, one of whom was old enough to realise what was going on.

    I refused to let what he did affect me, it was tough for the first few years but gradually, we became friends. I had to do this for my children, what he did, although extremely selfish, wasnt anything to do with them, it was his decision to have an affair, not theirs. My children have forgiven him, he's still their Dad, faults and all, but thats been helped by the fact that i've forgiven him too. I made the decision that i couldn't live the rest of my life hating someone, i'm just not made that way.

    I think it's really sad that you never spoke to your mother after she left but i think it's even sadder that you still let it affect you like this.
    Originally posted by meer53
    No not desperate, she had a place all lined up to go to. She'd walked out a year previously, then come back again as living with her sister was 'ruining their relationship' and if she didn't move out 'they wouldn't be able to go on holiday together'. She then lived a separate life under the same roof as the rest of us for another year coming and going as she pleased before finally going. There was never any talk of her wanting to have us kids go with her, we were an inconvenience. And we were supposed to still be friends with her.......... She made her bed, she can lie in it.

    You may think it's sad, it is I suppose, but I will never forgive the way she treated my darling Dad. The trust is long gone.
    • The Ang
    • By The Ang 1st Dec 17, 2:46 AM
    • 45 Posts
    • 2,700 Thanks
    The Ang
    I might not be able to say something useful for you, but I am really sorry to this condition.
    Talking about love in a marriage relationship, it is very complicated. In my opinion, love has different stages, forms, and depth.
    Well, in the end, marriage will be like having an everlasting "life friend" or partner. It will not be something erotic anymore like how we were young. Therefore, I cannot interpret the word "Love" precisely.
    Wish you all the best.
Welcome to our new Forum!

Our aim is to save you money quickly and easily. We hope you like it!

Forum Team Contact us

Live Stats

2,794Posts Today

5,440Users online

Martin's Twitter
  • It's the start of mini MSE's half term. In order to be the best daddy possible, Im stopping work and going off line?

  • RT @shellsince1982: @MartinSLewis thanx to your email I have just saved myself £222 by taking a SIM only deal for £7.50 a month and keeping?

  • Today's Friday twitter poll: An important question, building on yesterday's important discussions: Which is the best bit of the pizza...

  • Follow Martin