lost, lonely and heartbroken

symesd

Well I was planning a lovely 20th Wedding Anniversary party until 3/4 weeks ago. Me and OH have been bickering on and off for about 2 years, but I thought we are just going through a rough patch due to debt problems - which are under control and will be all paid off in 14 months (yay). Then we had a row which ended in OH saying he's had enough and its over, he has said this before. So I just apologised and said we will both need to try harder and we can sort it out but this time it was different - he now says he doesnt love me and hasn't for a while - cannot put his finger on a date but could be as long as 3 years. So when I have asked in in past if he loved me and he has said yes he was lying.

I still love him and would do anything to save our marriage but nothing I have said or done since this admission has made a difference. He will not talk to me and has said he just wants us to separate and wants it to be amicable.

I am going through a rollercoaster of emotions - anger and frustration and its tearing me apart. I have begged him to try again and nothing is working.

we have been together for 23 years this is almost half of my life and I really do not know anything else and cannot imagine my life without him. We have three daughters, ages 20, 14 & 12 (our eldest is at University so is not aware of the split) don't want to tell her whilst she is away from home. I am very worried about how this will affect her studies.

I do not know what to do, but I guess I will have to accept its over as I have tried and tried to talk him into trying again, I have asked him to go to counselling but he will not saying it would not change anything.

We have a joint house, but it is up for sale and needs work, has been up for sale for over a year and not getting may viewings.

We are in debt - have an IVA - I have requested that this is now split into separate ones. Majority of debt in my name as I sort out all the family finances. We only have 14 payments left then we are debt free.

He has moved into spare room, I have said he doesnt need to sleep separate but he has refused saying he didn't want to give me false hope and did not want me to try to grind him down and get him to stay. He has been very clear wants to live apart and wants to be selfish and look after himself and be away from me.

He says he loves me for being the mother of our 3 children but doesnt love me in the way I want him to.

Some days I am being totally practical and looking for advice and looking for places to rent for me and the girls, others I am just in pieces and trying to get him to stay.

I have no idea what to do

Do I do nothing until after Xmas
Do I look for somewhere else to love with my girls - how can I afford this - I have sent for Tax credits form to fill in but will they pay out whilst we are still living in same house.
some days I am crying on an off all day, other days I am angry and want to leave and move on with my life then I realise how much I love him and start crying again

I am so distraught

ska_lover

I am so sorry. I don't have any practical advice other than to offer hugs - must be very difficult for you after such a long time together x

vulpix

Oh love I am so sorry.xxxx

I have been through this too,a long time ago.

Go to the citizen's advice they were so helpful to me at the time.

One day at a time,it will all work out ,honestly.It won't be the same but it will all be ok. xxxx

Vx

meer53

I've been through this too and come out the other side, stronger and happier. You will too. Just take your time and deal with things one at a time, if you think about everything at once it becomes overwhelming. Make lists and cross things off as you do them. If you want to spend the day in bed sobbing, do it, it's allowed. Talk to your friends, don't worry about boring them to death about how you feel, they'll understand. If they don't they're not true friends.

Your children are old enough to understand, if you can stay friends with your OH it will help a lot. It will be hard but mine coped really well eventually. Lots of bumps along the way but thats normal and looking back it was really for the best for me, a massive shock but with hindsight he did me a favour.

Good luck, try not to worry about stuff that hasn't happened, a day at a time is the advice everyone will give you.

onomatopoeia99

I can't advise you, I can only tell you that growing up in an environment where there is constant (or "on and off") bickering / rows over money and / or other things is very, very demoralizing for the children caught in the crossfire. You both had a responsibility to stop the rows way before they got to the point of ending your marriage. Not for the sake of your marriage necessarily but for the sake of your children. You may not be aware of the effect on them of the sniping at each other, but rest assured they will have felt it or the atmosphere between you, even if you haven't said anything to you.

It may be better for your children for you to split, rather than bringing your children up in a toxic environment.

There is never a need to row or bicker. Just talk to each other. It's really not hard to do.

Comms69

Have you discussed with him and your daughters about where they want to live.

spirit

Don't rush into any major decisions just yet. I believe it's still the case that your under 18s still have to be provided for by you both. So there's no rush to sell the house.


head over to the wikivorce website for more detailed help.

newatc

So sorry for your situation. It doesn't sound as if he is going to be won over in your current situation. Would a trial few months separation (with him moving out perhap after Xmas) be possible? At the end I would think thoughts would be clearer.

Good luck.

JayJay100

I'm so sorry to read this; it's always horrible when a relationship breaks down, and you don't want it to.

The only advice I can give is to go the CAB and find out what you're entitled to, and don't let him have all his own way. Trying your hardest to make him give things another go isn't working, but showing him what there is to lose, just might. Get up, dress up and show him a lot less interest than you have been. If you're cooking for him, or doing his washing and ironing, stop doing it. Arrange things for you and the kids, but don't include him. If you can get out and about, even if it's just an evening at a friend's house, do it, and don't tell him where you're going, or answer his calls when you're out. Smile as much as you can, and make sure you get a few treats for yourself.

You need to change your life and rebuild your confidence. It might make him realise what he stands to lose, and if not, and it's a good basis for you to move forward.

I wish you the best of luck with this, and I hope you can sort it out.

Sarastro

You don't have to do everything at once; go slow and do one thing at a time. Now is not a time to make big decisions, make small ones and ask anyone who's willing to listen for help. Ask for support wherever you can find it.

Seems like a good idea to stay in the house you are in for the moment. Not sure why you are looking at renting somewhere, you have somewhere to live. If he doesn't want to be there, that's his problem.

Second, he needs to man up. If he doesn't want to be with you - okay - he needs to move out. Seriously, what the hell is all that crap about not giving you hope? Spare bedroom isn't gonna do it. Move out. And pay your half of the mortgage, and pay for your children's maintenance. He said he wants to live apart - fine, get on with it. He can't say he doesn't want to be with you, move into the spare room and carry one like nothing else has changed.

JayJay100

Sarastro wrote: »

You don't have to do everything at once; go slow and do one thing at a time. Now is not a time to make big decisions, make small ones and ask anyone who's willing to listen for help. Ask for support wherever you can find it.

Seems like a good idea to stay in the house you are in for the moment. Not sure why you are looking at renting somewhere, you have somewhere to live. If he doesn't want to be there, that's his problem.

Second, he needs to man up. If he doesn't want to be with you - okay - he needs to move out. Seriously, what the hell is all that crap about not giving you hope? Spare bedroom isn't gonna do it. Move out. And pay your half of the mortgage, and pay for your children's maintenance. He said he wants to live apart - fine, get on with it. He can't say he doesn't want to be with you, move into the spare room and carry one like nothing else has changed.

I second all of this, especially the parts in bold. I understand how difficult it would be, but perhaps it could be goals to aim for, as you feel stronger. He's dumped this mess in your lap, but you do have a major say in how it goes from now on, even if it's not exactly what you want.