Buying a house with partner. He's paying deposit. We have 2 children.

Jennyrl · 16 September 2017 at 2:00PM

Hi there.

I am desperately looking for some advice.

I have been with my partner for 8 years we have two children together aged 3 and 1. We are in the process of buying our first home together. Ignorantly we had not discussed ownership options until the solicitors paperwork came in.

As my partner is puting down the full deposit from his father's inheritence he feels he should protect this and in the event of a break up I should walk away with just my 50 % share of the equity. Therefore he favours option 3 tennants in common unequal shares.

I have to say I disagree with this. Our relationship has always been equal thus far. I currently work part time and look after the kids, supporting him to boost his career. I see no reason that our relationship and anything we chose to own together shouldn't be equal.

I'm looking for the security that if feel I deserve having contriubuted thus far and plan to do so for the rest of my life. If we were married I don't think this would be an issue. Why should I be treated or have less security for my kids and I should things go wrong.

He thinks a good compromise would be to sign a tenancy in common unequal shares whereby he will write over 25% of the deposit to me on top of shared equity. The advice I have sought from all kinds of people in my life is that i should agree to no less than equal ownership. We are in a living and committed relationship. He has even divulged plans to propose to me in June. Something we have waited 8 years for. I don't see why I should wait another couple of years until we are married to feel secure.

Please please advice. We both want to go ahead with this purchase but we are struggling to agree what is right in terms of ownership. Complete loggerheads. It's such a shame as all this hurt and upset at the most exciting time of our lives is over some small possibility things go wrong some time far down the line.

gettingtheresometime · 16 September 2017 at 2:25PM

It's quite sad that a person who was committed enough to having two children feels the need to 'protect' his inheritance.

I don't know what percentage of this inheritance forms the deposit but I think I'd suggest to him that as you both have strong conflicting opinions then you either just take out a mortgage using whatever deposit you have minus the inheritance and go 50 : 50 on the house or you abandon the purchase all together.

(Mind you he sounds like a romantic soul - not! - can't help feeling he's dangling the promise of the proposal, 9 months in the future, to keep you sweet over this issue)

Red-Squirrel_2 · 16 September 2017 at 3:22PM

Why on earth are you not already married if you both want to be, you have two children and you are buying a house together?

Get down the registry office and get it sorted!

If he doesn't want to, I suppose that tells you something important about him.

I think that you should be joint tenants personally, so that your children's home will be safe if anything were to happen to either of you.

HampshireH · 16 September 2017 at 3:23PM

Is the whole deposit based on his inheritance? If so how are you going into this purchase as equals?

If not and you are also contributing to the deposit by way of savings accrued then I can see why you are concerned.

If the person he is inheriting from had wanted the inheritance to be equally split between you, you would both have received funds to combine.

My partner and I will be buying soon. There will be a legal document (I believe this is a deed of trust? But I'm not at that stage yet to be fully researching) which states that if we ever have to sell up due to the relationship ending then we will receive back the amount we have each put in towards the deposit plus 50/50 on any equity. As it stands the deposit is all my savings (14 years worth) and none of his. However we will be contributing 50/50 to a paying a joint mortgage and any large household purchases.

I can 100% see where your partner is coming from. It's far too common these days for someone to commit their life and be screwed over financially of everything they had by a bitter ex. (Not saying you would be but the original post implies you would expect half his deposit + equity should anything go wrong

Might not be romantic but it makes good sense.

If you cannot agree on this now may not be the time to buy

Prairie · 16 September 2017 at 3:29PM

I agree with the first poster . I've had friends in a similar situation with live in partners. You say you are in a committed relationship but it's clear that it's not one to him otherwise he would have proposed before these 8 long years. He doesn't want the financial risk of what might happen if things go wrong (true commitment would be taking on this risk) so he's committed to the kids, but not to you. Why would he dangle the prospect of a proposal now, which is conveniently after the house purchase would have gone through, when he would have known long before now whether he wanted to marry you or not? Sadly I doubt this marriage will happen anytime soon (if at all) because even if the house was held as tenants in common, in the event of a divorce it will just be a marital asset to be divided up as seen fit so what would be the point of him insisting on this tenants in common arrangement if he truly wanted to marry you soon? Such rights don't exist if you're simply cohabiting. In your shoes I would not be buying any house with him until a marriage (not just proposal) actually materialised. Currently he's getting all the benefits of a marital relationship without any commitment so he's desperate for this not to change.

alex_163163 · 16 September 2017 at 3:32PM

I have to slightly agree with your partner to be honest.
Although we have no children so a different situation to yourself, my boyfriend and I bought a house this year with the majority of the deposit coming from me, and we have put a deed of trust in place to say that in the event of us splitting up and selling the house, I will get my deposit money back before any equity is then split 50:50.
And if your partners deposit is coming solely from an inheritance, I can see it he would want to protect it. If something does breakdown in your relationship, then why should he have to split money that his father intended for his son? I have to say I do feel it is slightly different than if he had saved it just from his salary, as you say you have supported his career. That's just me though, and people have many different ideas of what is fair, so you will probably find many differing opinions on here. I hope you can work it out, and come to an agreement that you are both happy with.

EachPenny · 16 September 2017 at 3:42PM

Jennyrl wrote: »

...Why should I be treated or have less security for my kids and I should things go wrong....

"my kids"???? If things go wrong, what about the security of the kids if they live with and/or stay with their father? Would you be happy if a court decided the kids should live with him and therefore he gets to keep 100% of the house? Remember, you want to share equally.

Jennyrl wrote: »

The advice I have sought from all kinds of people in my life is that i should agree to no less than equal ownership.

I tend to agree. But if you and he cannot agree on this then the conclusion is obvious.

Jennyrl wrote: »

I don't see why I should wait another couple of years until we are married to feel secure.

If you don't feel 'secure' after 8 years and two kids then how do you think marriage will change anything? The main change it will make to your life is giving you both a very large bill if things go wrong in the future.

Jennyrl wrote: »

It's such a shame as all this hurt and upset at the most exciting time of our lives is over some small possibility things go wrong some time far down the line.

I don't think anyone (of either gender) who has been through divorce would agree with you. If it is an issue now then it will be a massive issue if things go wrong, and it sounds like it could be much more than a small possibility far down the line.

I don't mean to be mean, and in the nicest way possible I'd suggest some of what you've said in your post - perhaps unconsciously - indicates more significant issues in your relationship. Having helped friends (with kids) deal with difficult divorces and the consequences I'd say the best thing to do before buying together would be to have some form of relationship therapy. There are signs that on both sides things are not where they should be. Dealing with that before buying and marrying will save you enormous heartache, stress and expense.

But I do hope you are able to work through this and find a solution that you can both be happy with.

xylophone · 16 September 2017 at 5:07PM

Why should I be treated or have less security for my kids and I should things go wrong.

My? Our children?

Eight years, two children and no marriage?

He has even divulged plans to propose to me in June.

Why wait until June? Does he want to stand by your side in a garden while the roses are blooming?

Get him along to a conservatory.......

Marvel1 · 16 September 2017 at 5:07PM

If you can't do things 50/50 makes me wonder why be in relationship never mind purchase a house!

People wonder why I prefer single life.

G_M · 16 September 2017 at 5:12PM

Just get married then the whole debate becomes irrelevant.

In the event of divorce, a financial settlement, including the property, will have to be agreed. Or imposed by a court.

00ec25 · 16 September 2017 at 5:22PM

Jennyrl wrote: »

Complete loggerheads. It's such a shame as all this hurt and upset at the most exciting time of our lives is over some small possibility things go wrong some time far down the line.

so you are BOTH digging your respective heels in and arguing over money. Your relationship is what you should be looking at , not who gets what money.

you feel "entitled" to "his" money because of what you have done to date, but you are not married so don't have a claim to it

he, not unreasonably, see the inheritance as "his" money not something the "partnership" has a claim to

one of you has to give way and give way in such a manner that the relationship survives. From the way you write it looks like this will not end well and will be an ongoing cause of resentment whoever "wins"

Buying a house with partner. He's paying deposit. We have 2 children.

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