Husband has had an emotional affair

MissBessie · 11 June 2017 at 6:27PM

I have recently discovered that my husband has been texting a woman - 10 years younger than him - for 6 months. She works beside him and he says they are "just friends". A secret " friend" that he's been texting up to 50 times a day. He claims he's never seen her outside work and there was never any sex.
We have been married for 33 years, have 3 grown up children and 2 grandchildren. To say I'm devastated is an understatement. I have went between crying to anger to disbelieve and back again. I can't eat, can't sleep..........can't believe it.
He says we haven't been getting on (true), weren't talking most of the time (true) and that he just started to talk to her one day that they were on the same shift. This to me is no excuse - I didn't go and seek out a man to talk my probls over with. He says he loves me, wants to try again but I don't know if I could ever trust him. Our kids are also devastated and don't want anything more to do with him. People are totally shocked as he is one of the last people you would think would do this. Sorry this is so long

System · 11 June 2017 at 7:30PM

I cant see how it can work if he is seeing her daily.

Mojisola · 11 June 2017 at 7:33PM

MissBessie wrote: »

I have recently discovered that my husband has been texting a woman - 10 years younger than him - for 6 months.

A secret " friend" that he's been texting up to 50 times a day.

Texting 50 times still after six months - that's a total infatuation!

thorsoak · 11 June 2017 at 7:40PM

To me, a relationship that you are describing is an affair! No sex - but sex is not the be-all and end-all. It is the emotional/head attachment that is equally destructive to a marriage.

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this turmoil - stay strong, and do not make any decisions emotionally - try and use your head.x

tacpot12 · 11 June 2017 at 7:42PM

I expect it is an escape into a fantasy. I'm sure he knows that it was never going to go anywhere, and also that he didn't want it to. He just wanted to feel better. Not all men are good at realising that they have a problem or that their way of dealing with their problems might be extremely upsetting to others.

If he had shared the details of his problems with you with a male friend, would he have been less loyal? No, but the added dimension here is there might be some attraction. Realistically though, someone is more likely to open up to someone they have connected with than just anyone.

Whether you trust him, is up to you. You have the choice to see whether you can reconnect, or whether your marriage is over. If you don't try, will you regret it, or do you know already that it is over?

Please realise that children, even quite old ones, learn about relationships from their parents. How you react to a relationship crisis will stick with them forever and will affect their own relationships and what they regard as acceptable behaviours. What example do you want to set?

parking_question_chap · 11 June 2017 at 7:47PM

Probably need more information.

What do they talk about? if its work stuff and its usually a message or two every day apart from one or two days with loads of messages it might be different. Does he have many friends? Was he lonely and in need of somebody to get advice from given you two sound like you have been having difficulty?

elsien · 11 June 2017 at 7:48PM

If you weren't getting on or talking much before this happened, what were the reasons for that?
You'd also need as a couple to address the issues that were already there before he started texting this woman. Seems to me your marriage was already in difficulty before this woman came along - don't let this emotional affair take all the blame because it seems to have developed from existing problems.
So it's not just about trust it's about other things as well - how do you both feel about looking at things more deeply?

MissBessie · 11 June 2017 at 7:49PM

Thank you for your replies. To be honest, my head is in turmoil. I want us to be together - 33 years is a long time. I'm not financially dependent on him so that's not a factor at least. But at the same time I think how dare you treat me like this after 33 years! I'm a mess

Tinker_bells · 11 June 2017 at 7:50PM

I don't think that you are wrong for feeling how you do. I would be exactly the same, if not worse.

I agree with above comments, firstly don't make any decisions whilst all of this is still raw. Take some time and as much you need to calm down and figure out what it is you want to do and then go from there. I also agree that it's practically an affair! You do not need to have sex with someone to be cheating... Talking to some that amount per day is way too much for "just friends". However, sit down and talk at some point, because you don't know what was going through his mind during these conversations and you need to ask and from there it may help you make a decision.

parking_question_chap · 11 June 2017 at 7:55PM

Tinker_bells wrote: »

I also agree that it's practically an affair!

I dont understand how you could possibly reach this conclusion without even knowing what the messages were about.

I mean where then is the line between a male and female friendship and an affair?

Moreover, many men dont really do "emotion" or at least not to the extent we are defining here, so unless the "affair" involved sticking body parts in eachother they are not really going to be interested.

MissBessie · 11 June 2017 at 7:56PM

Yes, they talked about work stuff but also me. This is extremely hurtful. He was txting her EVERY day anything between 30 and 50 timed. There were also some, but not many, phone calls.
Yes, our marriage was in a terrible way. We both made lots of mistakes but this does not excuse an affair - no way! I am willing to work on it IF I decide to make a go of it.

Husband has had an emotional affair

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