Husband has had an emotional affair

Primrose

This is obviously hurtful for you but if your marriage was in as bad a state as you admit it obviously created a vacuum for your husband to find somebody else in whom to confide. Who have you been confiding In, or haven't been sharing your unhappiness with anybody? People of the opposite sex can be friends and I imagine once he found somebody sympathetic to listen maybe he didn,t realise how deep or close the relationship ship was becoming.

You both need to talk honestly in a way you haven't done for years. Going to Relate might give you both a different perspective. Throwing 30 years away in the height of emotion needs serrious thought and is bound to have a serious impact on your children too even though they are adult. It's still their family which would be broken up.

Mojisola

NeilCr wrote: »

But the OP has already said that they were having a lot of problems so he might not have felt that he could bring it to her.

That's an excuse a lot of people use for a physical affair.

If she wasn't willing to talk, he should have laid out how unhappy he was and that he couldn't go on as they were (in a letter if she wouldn't sit down and listen) - not go out and build a close emotional connection with someone else.

Were they discussing ways of managing his relationship problems? If so, their discussions haven't been successful.

If not, he's been very naive not to realise how such a lot of contact with another woman would look to his wife and family.

NeilCr

Mojisola wrote: »

That's an excuse a lot of people use for a physical affair.

If she wasn't willing to talk, he should have laid out how unhappy he was and that he couldn't go on as they were (in a letter if she wouldn't sit down and listen) - not go out and build a close emotional connection with someone else.

Were they discussing ways of managing his relationship problems? If so, their discussions haven't been successful.

If not, he's been very naive not to realise how such a lot of contact with another woman would look to his wife and family.

But it also happens quite a lot when there isn't a physical affair. I know that only too well from my own experience. There is a heck of a difference between a physical affair and an emotional connection (and I mean by this one between close friends)

While I agree that it is sometimes best to try and sort it out between the two of you (and state your case) I do also think that it is often easier said than done - especially as, as the OP says, the relationship was having a lot of problems

Look - I am not saying he couldn't have handled this better (and I agree he was naive with all the texts etc) - he may, possibly have been having an affair - but it also seems to be a huge jump to assume that he is definitely having one or that it is the "wrong" sort of emotional connection.

PeacefulWaters

thorsoak wrote: »

From a male point of view, I suppose that isn't an affair because sex has not raised its ugly head.

From this male point of view it's unacceptable and as bad as a sexual affair.

krlyr

I found out last year that my ex had gone back onto the dating site we met on and messaged (lots of!) other women. He even went on a couple of dates, though claims nothing physical ever happened, not even a hug. He claims he didn't want relationships with any, just a bit of a fantasy to boost his ego (we were having some minor niggles in the bedroom - medical/health reasons).

Sometimes I wish he had just had a physical affair, it would have been much more cut and dry for me. I found it very difficult to know if I could accept it and move past it to make things work or not. We'd been together a while (7 years) with not even an argument, so it really did shake me to find out. However, what got to me most was his ability to lie to my face every day for the month that it had been going on. From lying about what he was doing each night when he disappeared off to his office for hours before coming to bed, volunteering to walk the dog to sneak off and chat to women, to sitting right next to me on his phone, obviously having conversations, arranging dates etc. - that I couldn't get past.

I think everyone has to make the decision themselves about what they can and can't tolerate in a relationship, and sometimes you don't know the answer to that yourself until you go through it. I always thought I'd be very black and white about an affair - and I did kick him out initially, but then all those shades of grey sneak in and you question your own views. I actually found it a huge help to see a counsellor and talk things through - we did go to Relate together but I found the counsellor there not as useful as the lady I went to see on my own, and to talk about the relationship as a whole with her rather than just this one issue we were discussing together in Relate really helped clarify things for me.

I really don't envy you, I know it is a horrendous place to be and I really wish you the best in sorting through things in your head. Just make the best decision for yourself - you are your number 1 priority here, sounds like the kids are old enough to not be a deciding factor as such, and hubby will just have to make do with whatever you find you need to get through, over, past, beyond this issue - it is his own doing, afterall.

For me - well, he's an ex so obviously I decided I couldn't get past it, and I'm actually in a fantastic place in my life right now (silver lining and all - selling our house but managed to find a place I can afford myself so I'm looking forward to that little project, it prompted me to ask for - and fortunately get - a payrise and some more responsibility at work, it's driven me to work hard to finish my professional qualification a bit sooner than originally planned, and it's also made me realise how much of myself I'd given up for the relationship so I'm enjoying being me again (over a stone lost, gym membership actually being well-used, joined some social groups to get out and about more and made more of an effort to catch up with friends that had been slightly neglected!). But equally this could be the catalyst to save your marriage, if that's what you both want. I wish you the best whatever you decide

MissBessie

Thank you all for your input, I really appreciate it. My husband would never discuss our problems - couldn't talk about stuff like that. That is why I'm finding it hard to believe he could talk to her instead of me. I found out while we were on holiday, having a great time, getting on well. His phone was at my side of the bed for the time when she text at 2:30am........"I so wish you were home". More than just friends I'm thinking

PeacefulWaters

MissBessie wrote: »

Thank you all for your input, I really appreciate it. My husband would never discuss our problems - couldn't talk about stuff like that. That is why I'm finding it hard to believe he could talk to her instead of me. I found out while we were on holiday, having a great time, getting on well. His phone was at my side of the bed for the time when she text at 2:30am........"I so wish you were home". More than just friends I'm thinking

Trust your gut.

And expect a lot of lies before the full truth outs.

bagpussbear

Hugs to you OP.

It is an emotional affair, so many texts would suggest a bit of an obsession to me.

Your husband is being a fool and you have the right to be fuming.

Work colleagues don't text at that time of morning with that sort of message. He is totally into her. How disrespectful.

In your shoes I'd be suggesting a separation. He needs to understand he can't do that you. Ask him to leave for a bit, and get your head clearer about what you want to do.

FBaby

My husband would never discuss our problems - couldn't talk about stuff like that

But he can, just not with you, at least any longer. You say that you knew your marriage wasn't going well, what did you do about it to make it better?

I understand your hurt that he would turn to someone else for emotional support, but surely this is reflective that firstly he had a need for it and secondly that he felt he couldn't get it from you. Maybe he tried, and tried and tried again, but got nothing back, when you didn't realise that's what he was trying to do, maybe in a not very subtle way, and he gave up?

It's easy to put all the blame on the one who had stepped out of the 'rules of marriage, but very often, the root cause is very much joint.

If you want to save your marriage, you will also need to focus on why your marriage was not good, why you did nothing about it, and why your OH felt the need to share his emotions with someone else. Putting all the blame on him will make you feel better temporary but will certainly not resolve the issue as to why it happened in the first place.

Personally, I think the line between a close friendship and an emotional affair is not clear cut. When I go through a bad patch with OH, I need to talk about it and as OH needs are exactly the opposite and he will tense up and close down if I bring things up, I turn to my friends. It doesn't involve 50 texts a day, but it will involve opening up at a deep level.

Not only do I not feel that this is something that should only happen between couples, I also actually think that it is healthy as between friends, we help each other to see the wider picture and from our partner's perspective.

Would you have felt as upset if instead of this friend, your OH had secretly gone to see a therapist?

POPPYOSCAR

MissBessie wrote: »

Thank you all for your input, I really appreciate it. My husband would never discuss our problems - couldn't talk about stuff like that. That is why I'm finding it hard to believe he could talk to her instead of me. I found out while we were on holiday, having a great time, getting on well. His phone was at my side of the bed for the time when she text at 2:30am........"I so wish you were home". More than just friends I'm thinking

I would of been tempted to text back saying 'My husband is asleep right now. Why do you wish he was home?'