help wanted ....hubby admitted he has £50,000 debt

lucyinlove · 9 November 2015 at 8:20PM

Hi, I've just joined. At the wkend, I found statements from my husband's bank account (we have separate accounts) and was blown away by how much he'd been spending on gambling (I gave up counting after a few thousand that went back to last January) .
I was really upset, as I stick to a budget when I get paid and try not to go over it and I truly thought he was doing the same.
Years ago, he'd run up debts on credit cards , which was for household expenses etc (which I found out about at the time through overhearing him talking to a friend about it). I forgave him for lying about it, we worked together on a plan and I helped him budget to pay the debts back (which he did) . I honestly thought he'd never run up debts again after that first time, but when I tackled him about the debits from his account , he broke down and admitted he had run up debts on 3 credit cards, an overdraft on mortgage and two payday loans.....all totalling nearly £50,000. Some has went on gambling (which he explained, he started it, hoping for a win to clear some of his debts). Has always been such a good man and husband and a great dad to our 16 year old ......I'm just in shock. I feel betrayed, but I also am trying to keep a clear head so we can work out a plan and move forward . Any advice please....this is still so raw as only found out on Saturday. I've went from telling him I'll support him, to screaming at him for doing this to our family. My emotions are changing one day from acceptance to next day feeling anger, then I also feel sorry for him as he's been dealing with this two years and feeling awful about himself for it. Sorry for such a long post

January2015 · 9 November 2015 at 8:36PM

Hi

Didn't want to 'read and run'. I don't have any experience like your's, ie hidden debts. But look at my signature - we have almost double the debts.

All I can say is that you clearly think the world of your husband and providing he will work with you, you can deal with the debts together. They are not insurmountable and there will be a way forward.

I think you are amazing in being so supportive and understanding. I hope I would be the same.

Others with far more experience and knowledge than I have will no doubt be along soon to give you valuable guidance.

sourcrates · 9 November 2015 at 8:36PM

Hi,
Didn't want to read and run either, not really good on giving advice about how to sort out personal gambling problems such as these, but there are plenty of people on here who will be able to give you excellent advice on that score.

I can however advise on the debt side of things, is your husband currently able to service these debts ?

There are many different solutions to the financial side of things, it depends on an individual's income/expenditure etc.

If you could give us a little more detail about your finances, people will be able to advise you better.

Bobarella · 9 November 2015 at 9:04PM

How stressful for you. Really sorry to hear about your situation. I think I'd be keen to know if the debts your husband has admitted to are the full picture. No offense intended. But can you be sure at the moment he's told you everything? I think of it were me I'd message it as I will support you through this but I need to know that it's the full picture. And make it clear it's a one time situation. You need to know he can control whatever factors have led him to this or you could just be back in the same position in a few years.

andyfromotley · 9 November 2015 at 9:08PM

Hi Lucy.

Oh poor you. your husband has a progressive mental illness. He is a compulsive gambler. Without treatment it will get worse and he will gamble again. Treatment is free and available at his nearest gamblers anonymous meeting. When HE decides he is ready for it he will find a way out of this hell if he is lucky. Sadly people who go for the sake of their partners or their family are rarely successful, people who go because they just cant take any more fare much better.

Whatever happens with him will be a long and rocky road. Usually involving more spells of gambling and more lies and deceit, but people can and do change, i am one of them and am recovering one day at a time.

You must concentrate on yourself and your family. You need to remember the three C's of loving a compulsive gambler.
You didnt cause it.
You cannot control it.
You cannot cure it.

Take complete control of your money. You can no longer trust your husband. IMO CG's can never be completely trusted again. CG goes hand in hand with compulsive lying.

You may in time want to consider if you wish to be in a relationship with a compulsive gambler. It can be impossible for some people. To explore this and other issues you can contact GAMANON which supports the families of CG's.

I am sorry that this is happening to you. If i can help please feel free to PM me.

andyfromotley · 9 November 2015 at 9:11PM

Bobarella wrote: »

How stressful for you. Really sorry to hear about your situation. I think I'd be keen to know if the debts your husband has admitted to are the full picture. No offense intended. But can you be sure at the moment he's told you everything? I think of it were me I'd message it as I will support you through this but I need to know that it's the full picture. And make it clear it's a one time situation. You need to know he can control whatever factors have led him to this or you could just be back in the same position in a few years.

Great advice from bob. CG's are notorious for not telling the whole truth about debt.

Muhren · 9 November 2015 at 9:13PM

Hi Lucy, I know this must must be a horrible experience for you to find this out. I will try and give you some advice from my own experience of gambling.

First and foremost he has to stop gambling, that is the bottom line. He has to want to give up himself, there is nothing that you can do to stop him if he still wants to carry on. I will give you some barriers for you both to put in place but this has to come from him.

Are you willing to take over all of his finances? If you are get him to habd over all his cards and money, if he has any. He will have to come to you when he needs money, this should only be small amounts that he needs to get by, on a day to day basis. I would also recommend that he gets receipts for everything he spends his money on.

You can self exclude from bookies in your local area, you will need to get passport photos and go into the bookies to fill out a form. Don't let him do this alone as to take away any temptation. You can also self exclude online, as well as using software to block access to gambling sites, I use K9. If he has a smartphone, get rid of it and get a phone that has no access to the internet so he can't gamble that way.

I go to Gamblers Anonymous and found it really helpful, some don't but I would give it a try as he will be around people in a similar situation who can offer help and support. I have been off nearly 3 years now and still go along to meetings once a week to keep myself 'topped up'.

There are probably lots of things I have missed so if you want to ask me anything feel free, you can PM me if you like. This is a horrible disease but is one that can be beaten, I wish you and your husband all the best in overcoming this.

Muhren · 9 November 2015 at 9:16PM

Bobarella wrote: »

How stressful for you. Really sorry to hear about your situation. I think I'd be keen to know if the debts your husband has admitted to are the full picture. No offense intended. But can you be sure at the moment he's told you everything? I think of it were me I'd message it as I will support you through this but I need to know that it's the full picture. And make it clear it's a one time situation. You need to know he can control whatever factors have led him to this or you could just be back in the same position in a few years.

Yep I would second that, ask him to be brutally honest with you now. He might find this hard but you don't want something come back to bite you on the backside further down the line.

12_month_challenge · 9 November 2015 at 9:32PM

Hi Lucy and sorry to hear you are having a rough time at the moment.

I wanted to wish you luck and hope that you manage to sort it out with your OH.

There has been some very good advice given so far. Stick around it really helps.
x

rolls99 · 9 November 2015 at 9:44PM

I can only add this to all the advice everyone so far has given you.

A small story.

Some years ago a work colleague of mine who had a gambling habit asked me for a loan of a couple
of hundred quid. I knew (as did everyone) he had a gambling habit "Under control".

The story was, he'd used the shopping money, and of course his wife (who was also someone I worked with) would find out and hit the roof.

I gave him the money, for the purpose of getting food and so on although I knew his history.

I was resigned to not getting it back, although the guy had said "I will pay you back"; the thing is, he
really did "Mean" this when he said it - but intentions and capability are two different things.

Eventually, the guy kept saying he couldn't pay me "just yet" and although I should have maybe just put it down to experience, I suggested a compromise.

I was decorating at the time (wallpapering, which I detested) so I said to the guy "Give me a hand, we'll call it quits for the money".

I wasn't being totally charitable, I was getting "Something" back (wallpapering) - but at the same time, I really did want to let the guy feel he'd done something in return because he did feel guilty about not paying back.

Of course, then his wife began to wonder why I hadn't "Slipped him a few quid" for helping with my decorating, and - well, it wasn't "unpleasant" but there were some issues.

That was the first and only time the guy asked me for any money, not the first time his wife had read the riot act and so on, but other than that the guy was as genuine as could be - except for the gambling.

My mistake for lending (giving) the money, but I'd never do it again, and if anyone told me they'd been asked I would say "No".

With your husband, you MUST be FIRM but clear and calm. Take control of the money and other than what he needs for bare essentials, give him access to nothing.

Whatever the future holds, you have to remove the temptation and ability to gamble. Its the only way.

lucyinlove · 9 November 2015 at 9:51PM

Yes this is all the debts. I have now taken over his finances and I only agreed to help him if he was completely honest and told me everything.... Together we logged on to all his accounts etc which I now have access too. He has already took a few steps to help his situation a few months back(again, I didn't know) with regards to paying back credit cards ( he has iva in place) with help of stepchange charity. With regard the gambling, it was more a recent thing (well the last 10 month) as a way to try and win some money to pay off the debts he accumulated through his credit cards . He has now closed these accounts ......I have taken over his phone , emails , bank account everything as he knows I can't trust him to do the plans we have set in place to start clearing these . He still has his phone as he needs it for work, but I made him agree that I can check his accounts daily . I don't trust him with regards money anymore, but I do believe he's relieved it's out and that I'm standing by him. He knows I'm no walk over, if I find even £10 that he's taken out of his account unaccounted for, I'm gonna know. Hate having to be so extreme, but unfortunately that's how it has to be now

help wanted ....hubby admitted he has £50,000 debt

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