help wanted ....hubby admitted he has £50,000 debt

comeandgo

Good luck to you - you are a better person than I am, My first marriage failed as my role within the marriage changed to a mother, supervisor role to my husband. It was not a role a could cope with regardless how good a father he was.

lucyinlove

Moneyfordreams wrote: »

This is my first post on another page my heart goes out to you.
I don't know about gambling. My husbands debt was from his business partnership with his brother. It was probably over a hundred grand in the end. There are many reasons why they failed. Too many to go into.
Debt felt like a disease and to get free of that disease is a huge relief. I walked for miles the day I begged my husband to get a job. It was that or throw in the towel. I've worked overtime for years. I was paying the mortgage and the bills. many of the debts were getting paid except VAT. They found a £50k historical debt not paid. Mind you , that could have been lies too.
I took control. I bought my husband out of the house with a mortgage. His wages get paid into my account. I still don't trust him financially. I went apoplectic earlier this year when I found he had a credit card. He's still paying the OR until next year. It's made us stronger. We are a team. Mind you he's chef, chauffeur, dad, granddad , cleaner. I'm milking it. Good luck xx

We both work and we will get through it.....he's a great dad and I know he's been in bits about it. He told me many a time he just felt like running away so we could move on without him or his debts . He's relieved it's all out and has also confided in his mum and dad about it . He's been carrying this for two years on his own, digging himself deeper and deeper into debt. It's just so heartbreaking, but thankfully we still have our home and support of family. I just worry that although I'm telling him we'll get through it together, next minute I'm resentful and shouting at him for doing this ......my emotions have been up and down . X

Queen.Bess

Well done Lucy, it really looks like you've taken control and that your husband is grateful that it's now out in the open.

I had a similar situation 6 years ago where my husband was lying to me about working but not being paid and that 'the money he was owed was coming'. Of course it never did and he eventually admitted that he'd only been able to get volunteering work and there was no money to come. By which time I was £30,000+ in debt just having to pay the bills. I could've run or kicked him out, but he was relieved it was out in the open, he felt he could move on and admit that he had an anxiety problem, which he sought help for. We've halved the debt and now have 2 beautiful children. He is full time carer of them and he says they've given him purpose - and confidence - and we are a happy team.

And by looks of things, you will be a team too. There will be some tough times, but also a sense that you're moving forward and for that I think he will be grateful. Sometimes people don't know how to admit they've messed up, but the relief when it comes out is there and I hope he will do exactly as you say and be the loving husband to you as you clearly are the loving wife to him.

I wish you the very best of luck! QBxx

lucyinlove

comeandgo wrote: »

Good luck to you - you are a better person than I am, My first marriage failed as my role within the marriage changed to a mother, supervisor role to my husband. It was not a role a could cope with regardless how good a father he was.

I've only found out about it all at wkend, so I'm trying to be supportive, but on other side of the coin I can feel resentment building up and I know I need to deal with that or its gonna catch up with me . I know exactly what you mean tho.....I want a partner, not another child to look after. Will just have to take one day at a time and have faith we can get through it. Time will tell .

lucyinlove

Puddylove wrote: »

Hi
I'm so sorry to read about your husband's behaviour. It's admirable that you are planning to support him, and help him through this.

I just want to tell you that you don't have to. You are not responsible for his bad behaviour, whether due to a gambling addiction or not - and you have a duty to look after yourself.

It will be a very long road back - repaying debt but more importantly rebuilding trust. Can you trust him not to lie again? My ex lied about money, and turned out to be £26k in debt. I stood by him, helped him, took on a horrible job to give us free accommodation.

In the end, I realised that a liar's lies don't stop with money; they lie about anything if it's to their selfish advantage.

You can say 'enough' and leave.
P x

Thank you, I know I don't have to stay ....I just need to try . One day at a time. If I can't overcome the hurt and betrayal, I won't hesitate to leave (he knows this) .....but I have to try as I still love him . I don't trust him with money at all now , but I still trust he loves me and that he's truly sorry for the hole he dug himself into. He's stood by me in the past when I have had depression etc and supported me through tough times. I need to at least try ......I'm not naive tho, I don't think it's gonna be easy, but we will see. X

Muhren

I wouldn't be where I am today without th help and support from my family, I'm glad they didn't write me off. Obviously there is only so much someone can take but if you still love him and really believe that he can change it is worth sticking by him and helping him through this horrible period?

I have been told in no uncertain terms that if I gamble again, that's it I'm by myself.

crazy_cat_lady

The trouble is - when do you say enough is enough? My husband suffers terribly with mental health issues, and has done for years. I have tried everything and I have run out of ideas of what to do next to help him. I know it's not the same - but it's still watching someone you love disappearing in front of you. And there's this horrible hope that they will come back but you just never know.
I wish you and your hubby the very best of luck and I hope that things work out for you.

andyfromotley

FireWyrm wrote: »

I have to agree with AndyFromMotley. This will never improve. You will never be able to trust him again and since a partnership is based on trust, that essentially means that the partnership is finished. There are consequences to one's actions and he must have known that there would be consequences for this. Losing a few hundred can be forgiven, losing a full house deposit, half a pension or a dozen cars is just impossible to overlook.

Compulsive gamblers are like compulsive alcoholics...they are only temporarily sober until they fall off the wagon yet again. I'm really sorry for you, but its time you started thinking about how to exit this nightmare.

Hi Fire,

Whilst this is true in the majority of cases (perhaps even the vast majority of cases!!) its not always the case. People can and do successfully recover from gambling. This imo is nearly always through, regular attendance at GA, Living the 12 step programme, working it hard and tackling this one day at a time. It is true though that all CG's are only ever one day away from a bet.

I just thought it important to point out that there is hope and a way through this for those that are determined to beat it. The road is neither smooth nor straight and is often too much for family and partners, but its a road nonetheless.

Moneyfordreams

Ive had my very angry times. My emotions have swung like a pendulum. Even I wouldn't know how I would react with things around. My husband is a good man. He just made a few mistake. He kept trying to get the better contract, find more work. In his field he had big outlays.
I can still feel resentful and bitter. But that is only a tiny about of time now. Life's too short. I didn't want to make my best friend and children's father homeless. We've had some humdinger rows. But we have a certain peace now.
I'm £500 a month worse off for an extra 13 years. But it only money. Good luck in finding your path. Xx

lucyinlove

Muhren wrote: »

I wouldn't be where I am today without th help and support from my family, I'm glad they didn't write me off. Obviously there is only so much someone can take but if you still love him and really believe that he can change it is worth sticking by him and helping him through this horrible period?

I have been told in no uncertain terms that if I gamble again, that's it I'm by myself.

Thank you,
at the end of the day I believe we are only human, we all make mistakes.......at the same time I also believe we have choices and if my husband continues to make the wrong ones , then he knows I can't stay.
I will help him and stand by him, so long as he admits he has a problem and accepts the help and support I can give him.
If after that, he continues to make poor choices, then he knows (trust me, I've made it clear) I'll be gone......I'll always love him, but I won't compromise my families needs to stand by him .
X