help wanted ....hubby admitted he has £50,000 debt

lucyinlove

Moneyfordreams wrote: »

Ive had my very angry times. My emotions have swung like a pendulum. Even I wouldn't know how I would react with things around. My husband is a good man. He just made a few mistake. He kept trying to get the better contract, find more work. In his field he had big outlays.
I can still feel resentful and bitter. But that is only a tiny about of time now. Life's too short. I didn't want to make my best friend and children's father homeless. We've had some humdinger rows. But we have a certain peace now.
I'm £500 a month worse off for an extra 13 years. But it only money. Good luck in finding your path. Xx

Thank you, I feel the same about my husband......I'm not naive, I know he's been foolish, but he's human. We all make mistakes , but your story has given me hope and at the end of the day, if we don't have hope and faith then what's it all for? Saying that, I'm no pushover.....if I find so much as 20p overdrawn in his account , he'll be searching for it through the binbags on the front lawn !. I love him, I'll support him, but I'm only human also . X

NinjaLemur

You have not mentioned yet if your other half has started going to GA meetings to help with his illness, make no mistake
"Compulsive gamblers are like compulsive alcoholics...they are only temporarily sober until they fall off the wagon yet again."
as mentioned by the previous postee is a very true statement, unless he starts to go to meetings there will come a time maybe many years in the future when he thinks oh just a little bet won't hurt.
It helps to hear how gambling has destroyed other people and to realise you are not alone in your suffering the GA meetings offer a network of support from people who understand the disease.


I do think the posts telling you to leave your OH are rather harsh it has to be your decision same as going to the meetings and wanting to stop have to be his decision - yes he can go because he wants to keep his family together but ultimately he needs want to change himself.
The destructive behaviour will end up in only 3 places in the gutter, in prison or dead.


I am writing this as a recovering Compulsive Gambler I attend weekly meetings and am pleased to say my partner has supported me even though I sometimes feel like I don't deserve it.


feel free to message me

girlsmum

lucyinlove wrote: »

Hi, I've just joined. At the wkend, I found statements from my husband's bank account (we have separate accounts) and was blown away by how much he'd been spending on gambling (I gave up counting after a few thousand that went back to last January) .
I was really upset, as I stick to a budget when I get paid and try not to go over it and I truly thought he was doing the same.
Years ago, he'd run up debts on credit cards , which was for household expenses etc (which I found out about at the time through overhearing him talking to a friend about it). I forgave him for lying about it, we worked together on a plan and I helped him budget to pay the debts back (which he did) . I honestly thought he'd never run up debts again after that first time, but when I tackled him about the debits from his account , he broke down and admitted he had run up debts on 3 credit cards, an overdraft on mortgage and two payday loans.....all totalling nearly £50,000. Some has went on gambling (which he explained, he started it, hoping for a win to clear some of his debts). Has always been such a good man and husband and a great dad to our 16 year old ......I'm just in shock. I feel betrayed, but I also am trying to keep a clear head so we can work out a plan and move forward . Any advice please....this is still so raw as only found out on Saturday. I've went from telling him I'll support him, to screaming at him for doing this to our family. My emotions are changing one day from acceptance to next day feeling anger, then I also feel sorry for him as he's been dealing with this two years and feeling awful about himself for it. Sorry for such a long post

I am so sorry you are going through this, his behaviour is classic for a compulsive gambler, it is a mental illness. My dad was one and i saw my mum suffer like you are. Firstly he needs to admit to having a problem and seek help, gamblers anonymous helped my dad, and my mum went to the support group too. getting him to admit is the first hurdle. Once he gets help you can then start looking at how to clear the debts, its not the end.

p00hsticks

FireWyrm wrote: »

Compulsive gamblers are like compulsive alcoholics...they are only temporarily sober until they fall off the wagon yet again. I'm really sorry for you, but its time you started thinking about how to exit this nightmare.

FireWyrm, it sounds like you've been badly bitten - whilst what you say often true, it's also very pessimistic and there is another side to the story.

I've been the partner of an alcoholic for nearly 30 years now, but he's not had a drink for the last twenty of those.

Both he and I recognise that he'll always be an alcoholic, however long he goes without a drink but I do now trust him and I'm very glad that I stayed with him to see him sober up - it was worth the wait.

satchmo1

I hope you both work together to get this sorted.


I noticed you said he only has money for diesel and lunches at work. Sorry, he should be making himself packed lunches, he can't afford to buy lunch.

lucyinlove

satchmo1 wrote: »

I hope you both work together to get this sorted.


I noticed you said he only has money for diesel and lunches at work. Sorry, he should be making himself packed lunches, he can't afford to buy lunch.

Oh he is ! Absolutely.....I just meant I'll give him money to buy the essentials he needs to make it and keep it aside for lunches

lucyinlove

Hi , just an update for everyone who helped me through a tough couple of weeks...thank you so much, it helped me in ways you have no idea. My husband and I are working together day by day, one day at a time.
My husband has contacted a financial advisor (through a work charity for civil servants) ,and she is calling out on Fri 27th Nov . Hopefully she can reassure us and offer advice on our planned course of action. Possibly , she may be able to give us tips/ other advice on working through our debts....I will update when she's been.
In meantime, my husband and I have worked together to reduce monthly costs (in the hope to reduce his debts) .
This includes monthly savings of ....cancelling our sky package (£30) and cutting oil heating use in the house (cut down from 5 hrs a day to two hrs ) and my husband takes packed lunch to work , instead of buying takeaway (which has saved £20 a wk ). Also have had to make changes in grocery allowance and mobile SIM contracts (saving 20 pound ).
Obviously, we still have this debt, I'm still hurt and annoyed that it got to this stage.....but I'm feeling hopeful that we can continue to cut down our spending and I'm so grateful for those of you who took the time to reply to my post.

crazy_cat_lady

Thanks for coming to update us Lucy - pleased to hear that you have a plan and are making progress. Hope it all goes well for you.

lucyinlove

lucyinlove wrote: »

Hi , just an update for everyone who helped me through a tough couple of weeks...thank you so much, it helped me in ways you have no idea. My husband and I are working together day by day, one day at a time.
My husband has contacted a financial advisor (through a work charity for civil servants) ,and she is calling out on Fri 27th Nov . Hopefully she can reassure us and offer advice on our planned course of action. Possibly , she may be able to give us tips/ other advice on working through our debts....I will update when she's been.
In meantime, my husband and I have worked together to reduce monthly costs (in the hope to reduce his debts) .
This includes monthly savings of ....cancelling our sky package (£30) and cutting oil heating use in the house (cut down from 5 hrs a day to two hrs ) and my husband takes packed lunch to work , instead of buying takeaway (which has saved £20 a wk ). Also have had to make changes in grocery allowance and mobile SIM contracts (saving 20 pound ).
Obviously, we still have this debt, I'm still hurt and annoyed that it got to this stage.....but I'm feeling hopeful that we can continue to cut down our spending and I'm so grateful for those of you who took the time to reply to my post.

Guys just a quick update as I feel it may help others who find themselves in my situation.......gradually things have been improving this last few months. There is hope.....it dosent have to be the end of the road. Together we came up with a plan to reduce our monthly spends,also my husband was in touch with a charity through his work, which advised on managing debt. They helped us write letters which made it clear to his creditors how much he could afford to pay back monthly and thankfully to date, they have accepted that. We still have a lot of debt, but the difference now is we are taking control of it , little by little.
P.s I still check his bank account every few days to make sure he's not going backwards again, but he knows I need to do this to build up the trust again......his 'word' is not enough.
I'm so thankful tho, I stood by him and we tackled this together, as we have come out stronger than ever.
I literally went from feeling completely hopeless (in Nov 15) to realising there is hope and just to take things one step, one day at a time. I just want to let others know who may be in a similar situation , that you can get through it. It seems overwhelming at the time , but there is always help .Good luck all and thank you for all who took the time to help me through after my initial post xxx

andyfromotley

Hi Lucy,

lovely to have a positive update.

Can i be a bit grit in your oyster? What has he done to tackle the compulsive gambling? If he is just self managing this fair play but it is my (sadly extensive) experience that this tends not to be successful over the long term.

Whilst I absolutely agree that you should be checking his bank accounts regularly i personally do not think that this goes anywhere near far enough. Compulsive gamblers can be hugely devious. I would add to that, check his credit report once a month, open all of his mail, check his internet and phone histories regularly. I know people will throw their hands up in horror at the prospect of such 'nannying' behaviour but stuff like this actually helps compulsive gamblers stay true to their recovery.