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    Former MSE Penelope
    Real life MMD: Should I pay off her debts?
    • #1
    • 4th Aug 11, 10:49 AM
    Real life MMD: Should I pay off her debts? 4th Aug 11 at 10:49 AM
    Money Moral Dilemma: Should I pay off her debts?

    I've been dating this girl for 8 months now and she told me she had debt problems so bad she avoided opening her post for over 18 months. She hasn't told anyone else about this problem, not even her family. Over the past few months I've been helping her sort out all her statements and helped her enrol in a debt management plan. She earns a modest salary and the level of debt she is in means she's going to have very little personal spending money for at least 4 years before the debt is paid off. I earn a lot of money but I've always lived a modest lifestyle and I've never been in debt my whole life. I've got more than enough savings to pay off her debt, which is close to 16,000. I really like her and would love to take the stress away from her but at the same time I have doubts about if it's the right thing to do.

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Page 1
    • emidee
    • By emidee 9th Aug 11, 9:17 PM
    • 71 Posts
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    • #2
    • 9th Aug 11, 9:17 PM
    • #2
    • 9th Aug 11, 9:17 PM
    Dating for only 8 months? I wouldn't do it!

    How would you feel if you paid it off & then she left you next week?!
    • Decluttering
    • By Decluttering 9th Aug 11, 9:25 PM
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    • #3
    • 9th Aug 11, 9:25 PM
    • #3
    • 9th Aug 11, 9:25 PM
    You could pay off her debts, you are in a comfortable financial position to do so and you really like her. But will she really learn how to control her money effectively if she ignores her mail for 18 months and dates a guy who will make it all disappear for her?

    I personally think that your support and maybe suggestions on how to pay it off would be of more use to her than the money.
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    • skylight
    • By skylight 9th Aug 11, 9:30 PM
    • 10,424 Posts
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    • #4
    • 9th Aug 11, 9:30 PM
    • #4
    • 9th Aug 11, 9:30 PM
    8 months??? 16k for 8 months?? I'll date you for that!!

    No. Don't pay off the debts but you can help her to pay them off herself. Advise, support and getting the help thats needed is the way to go. You could offer to pay for more nights rather than her paying if you wanted to support her in a different area; that way she has more of her own money to throw at those debts.

    Make sure she goes to a free debt charity - not a company you find on Google and will charge her silly amounts for setting up payment plans etc.
    • Twiggy_34
    • By Twiggy_34 9th Aug 11, 9:31 PM
    • 678 Posts
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    • #5
    • 9th Aug 11, 9:31 PM
    • #5
    • 9th Aug 11, 9:31 PM
    No, not after just 8 months, there's no knowing what the future holds at this point. There's no any guarantee you'd see the money again & sometimes it serves better to let a person learn the hard(er) way.

    If it were me, I'd pay for a few treats every now and again if she's not going to be able to afford them herself. Maybe the occasional trip to the cinema, or take away etc. That way you're still helping her out, but without making any (risky) long term commitments.

    If I were constantly on the receiving end of the acts of generosity I've suggested, I'd probably feel quite guilty for using your cash for such means, but there are loads of ways of making it more palatable. E.g. being the free one on Orange wednesdays, or nabbing the free Domino's pizza on Two for Tuesdays!
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    • DigForVictory
    • By DigForVictory 9th Aug 11, 9:31 PM
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    • #6
    • 9th Aug 11, 9:31 PM
    • #6
    • 9th Aug 11, 9:31 PM
    Absolutely not.
    So far, you have no financial bad habits. The young lady however, needs to learn several tough lessons & just making her debt disappear is not how she'll learn.
    Plan together for a serious holiday (honeymoon?) in 4 years time. You may not get that far together, but she has an additional incentive.
    • seasideDreamer
    • By seasideDreamer 9th Aug 11, 9:42 PM
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    • #7
    • 9th Aug 11, 9:42 PM
    • #7
    • 9th Aug 11, 9:42 PM
    Def not, Ive still 4700ish of debt and don't think I'd want BF to pay it off. Ill learn more by doing i myself. He shouldnt pay it off but maybe treat here every so often once she reaches a certain milestone.
    Debt free and busy treating myself

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    • Owain Moneysaver
    • By Owain Moneysaver 9th Aug 11, 10:41 PM
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    • #8
    • 9th Aug 11, 10:41 PM
    • #8
    • 9th Aug 11, 10:41 PM
    No way.

    Absolutely no way.

    No matter how many 'very special kisses' she offers you.
  • mayling03
    • #9
    • 9th Aug 11, 10:53 PM
    • #9
    • 9th Aug 11, 10:53 PM
    8 months is not a very long time in terms of dating. she needs to learn the hard way. Helping her with the debt management plan is the way forward and you should sit down with her and go through every outgoing and incoming. Where is her money going? Is she actually trying hard to pay it off?
    • MsSupertech
    • By MsSupertech 9th Aug 11, 11:10 PM
    • 78 Posts
    • 38 Thanks
    Not yet. If you're still together when she's halved her debt, maybe help out then. But don't tell her that's the plan...
    In the meantime, support her in other ways. Help her identify where her money goes and keep her budget on track. Pay for some treats and trips but not too often. Can you help her find a better paid job?
    Good luck!
    • beargirl
    • By beargirl 9th Aug 11, 11:11 PM
    • 73 Posts
    • 84 Thanks
    I help my boyfriend to pay his debt off through the CCCS, only an extra 60 a month but as I earn a bit more than him and haven't got much debt I don't mind, plus we have been together for 7 years and live together too. To be honest if we had only been together 8 months I probably wouldn't. I can see where you are coming from but I would say rather than pay off the debt, as someone suggested above, maybe treat her to trips to the cinema or meals out etc, that way she will still learn how to manage her money better but you still get to do the nice things!
    • mickadoon
    • By mickadoon 9th Aug 11, 11:42 PM
    • 5 Posts
    • 10 Thanks
    Help pay off the debt?
    No, No, a thousand times no, I married one of these and didn't get out of the red until we divorced 21 years later.
    • dobsoncrew
    • By dobsoncrew 9th Aug 11, 11:55 PM
    • 121 Posts
    • 42 Thanks
    No way. She has to learn the hard way
    • scotsbob
    • By scotsbob 10th Aug 11, 12:00 AM
    • 4,461 Posts
    • 6,958 Thanks
    Dump her and move on, she is trouble.

    If you really do want to waste 16,000 on women then there are more enjoyable ways that will give you more value for your money.
  • Solstice_Twilight
    No. My OH and I have been together for four and a half years, engaged for eighteen months. He brought several k of debt to the relationship. I had my own baggage after my divorce (ex left me paying all the joint debts). Now all my debts are almost clear, but OH has been doing the "head in the sand" routine about his.

    I spent a lot of years trying to support my ex after he decided he didn't want to work. At one point, I was paying the mortgage, bills and debt on my own salary, and he was going out and drinking 30 a day in the pub and not earning a penny to contribute to the household. After I got us back on track and supported him into a new job, he left me for someone else, took our joint bank account 900 over limit and promptly quit his job again. As much as I adore my fiance, I won't ever do again what I did with my ex. I don't mind paying a little extra towards household bills while he pays off his debt and being emotionally supportive while he digs himself out, it's a hole that he dug for himself and I feel if I bail him out, what's to stop him from making the same mistakes all over again? OH earns pretty much the same salary as me, so he can work to clear it just as I've worked to clear mine.
    Probably sounds heartless and I do love him to bits and would do pretty much anything for him, but I draw the line at the risk of my own financial security.
  • Cheekymonk
    I have never posted on this forum before but felt compelled to do so today, just to say, don't do it!
  • robynprincess

    Sorry I didnt expend but I dont feel that I need to really. Maybe in a few years you will get married and maybe then you could pay them off for her or at least pay for other things so she can pay things off herself but seriously, what are you thinking? You must be a lovely person to even think of doing something so selfless and you should be proud of yourself for thinking of doing this but PLEASE listen and dont do it. I too have done it in your situation, in fact i took out loans in MY name to clear my ex's debt and he sodded off and quit paying me back after 2 repayments. I then took him to court and won (8k i might add!) and then he made himself bankrupt so I will never see the money again. You wont be helping her by paying it off, maybe you could suggest she puts most of her money into paying it off and you pay for meals out etc?
    Last edited by robynprincess; 10-08-2011 at 12:48 AM.
  • havana
    no do not pay off her debts, you have already helped her by sorting out the debt and if you break up you have then lost your savings and would need to start again.... what you could do is think of cheaper dates to go out or free ones while she is paying back the money
  • erdd2
    One of the fastest ways to break up a relationship/friendship is to lend/borrow money. Your intentions are admirable, but you would really not be helping her in the long run....helping her devise and manage a debt plan is more than most would do....most would be running in the opposite direction!
    • Saetana
    • By Saetana 10th Aug 11, 4:47 AM
    • 1,216 Posts
    • 2,332 Thanks
    Hey, a money moral dilemma on which we all (so far) agree, now that is unusual! Definitely do NOT pay off your girlfriend's debt for her, aside from the fact she would learn nothing from the experience you have not been together long enough and, even if you had, paying that kind of sum out at once would be idiocy given you can get the interest frozen on all her debts if you go about it the right way via the CAB or other free debt advice agency. Help her out instead by paying for your dates and supporting her as she pays back her debts.
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