Teens and holidays

mai_taylor · 19 June 2017 at 2:52PM

OP he lives under your roof so needs to follow your rules. Allow him his games but only once he's done an hour helping you round the house and an hour of homework / revising. You can't just let him get away with what he wants or he will be trying to do that for the rest of his life. Does he have friends he see's or a part time job? It's really unhealthy for a 16 year old to do nothing but play games and you need to stop that now or his bad attitude is not going to get any better. Tell him if he wants WiFi he'll have to pay for it.

As for the holiday, may be easier if you pick about 4 options and just get him to pick the one that he likes the sound of the most but a holiday is a treat so I wouldn't be taking him anywhere until his attitude improved.

Caroline_a · 19 June 2017 at 4:37PM

Rosemary7391 wrote: »

The bold might be true, but it might not be. I'd suggest that the OP needs to be very sure that is the case if that's the line they're going to use. It would've been counterproductive for me because I didn't fail my GCSEs, and wouldn't have even if I'd spent more time online. It's important that things you say are true, otherwise it undermines the credibility of everything else.

It might not be... but the OP did say

As with gaming and xboy - this is a battle I have lost. He and both of us have taken professional help, he has seen therapists, but wont listen to any help offered. It has affected his health, our relationship, but I have decided to move on. He let me down on father's day (said he would go for lunch today, then he got up late, his "homework" was on xbox all afternoon!)

It's too late if he does fail, and then the decision will have to be made what to do next. He may think he can be a 'professional gamer' or game tester but in reality those jobs are as rare as hens' teeth, and those that do exist require some very chunky qualifications. OP - what are his school reports like?

fairy_lights · 19 June 2017 at 4:45PM

I don't understand why it's so important that he's involved in booking the holiday. In theory it's a great idea to involve teens in that sort of thing, so they learn how to do it and can have a say in your plans, but if he's not motivated enough then why push it?
Why not say "you mentioned you wanted to go to X destination, so I'm booking us in at Y resort, let me know if you have any other suggestions or I'll book it tonight."

Torry_Quine · 19 June 2017 at 5:43PM

I'm not a parent but have read this thread with incredulity. When I was a child and until I left school at 17 and was earning I wouldn't have been given the options the child here has been given.

Fireflyaway · 19 June 2017 at 8:46PM

Not blaming you because at 16 kids are pretty much their own person and its hard to negotiate! However he sounds quite ungrateful and gaming to the extent you do nothing else and are even rude enough to prioritise it over a funeral is unacceptable. Tell him - tell don't ask- that you need to know by the end of the month if he is sure he wants to go and if so where. If he is not forthcoming then arrange a holiday for you. Could he stay with a family member whilst you go? If he did go would he be inside gaming anyway?
I think the issue here is not the holiday but the gaming. How will he get qualifications? Get a job? Find a boyfriend / girlfriend? Enjoy all the world has to offer? Yes you might be subject to tantrums but he lives in your home. You support him and feed and clothe him. You deserve respect and unless he has a learning disability then he needs to take more responsibility. Its kind of you to offer him a holiday let alone a say in the destination. If he is ungrateful don't beg him. Go on your own and have a great time!

mutley74 · 19 June 2017 at 8:57PM

Gosh so many replies thank you
Let me answer some points raised, so many good points and suggestions :

1. I am a single parent Father! :eek: (more than 10yrs now)

2. Son does go out occasionally, he has a few friends, and they all seem to be the same ones online when he is playing. I would say in a typical school holiday week, he will go out maybe 2-3x in the week. During term weekends he is basically gaming from AM to PM.

3. School - his recent mock GCSE results amazed me, I was expecting him to be "D" level student (find graded easier to compare), but he is more "B" rated, which exceeded my expectations for him. For a kid that basically does not spend much time on homework/revising, it is quite shocking! He has no motivation to be to be "A" student and get 8s/9s in his subjects (all teachers have told him a bit more effort he will be top student).

4. 3 years ago, he would rebel, fight, argue etc etc if I try to control his gaming/wifi use. To the point my health & our relationship was affected thus I sought professional help. It has helped things a bit, but only if I don't really interfere. Only time I stop him or tell him off when his gaming noises wake me up at night (most nights). I had no choice, I could try help him, control his gaming use, offered him alternative hobbies, sports = he was not interested. I had to let go. He has seen teenage counsellors, therapists etc etc (he is not depressed or has no mental illness), I think most of them have given up with him. I am told teens gaming/wifi/SM 24/7 is a common problem they have to deal with.

Back to holidays......:rotfl:
I told him yesterday, to give me some ideas where you like to go and do, but Tuesday. Today when I come home he is just sitting there on xbox. After an hour of playing I said he could easily spend a few mins looking for ideas, options etc. He said he was too busy and needs to relax after school and his response (with a harsh tone) "later in the week".
For the people thinking I am expecting him to book and do all the details planning...no. But it would nice if he researched some suggestions what see/do/where is best to stay/ how to travel around etc.

I really wanted to go with him, but after hearing his constant horrible attitude & manners the way he speaks with me, I am now having 2nd thoughts. Do I really want to spend a week away putting up with this??

Jojo_the_Tightfisted · 19 June 2017 at 9:05PM

mutley74 wrote: »

Gosh so many replies thank you
Let me answer some points raised, so many good points and suggestions :

1. I am a single parent Father! :eek: (more than 10yrs now)

2. Son does go out occasionally, he has a few friends, and they all seem to be the same ones online when he is playing. I would say in a typical school holiday week, he will go out maybe 2-3x in the week. During term weekends he is basically gaming from AM to PM.

3. School - his recent mock GCSE results amazed me, I was expecting him to be "D" level student (find graded easier to compare), but he is more "B" rated, which exceeded my expectations for him. For a kid that basically does not spend much time on homework/revising, it is quite shocking! He has no motivation to be to be "A" student and get 8s/9s in his subjects (all teachers have told him a bit more effort he will be top student).

4. 3 years ago, he would rebel, fight, argue etc etc if I try to control his gaming/wifi use. To the point my health & our relationship was affected thus I sought professional help. It has helped things a bit, but only if I don't really interfere. Only time I stop him or tell him off when his gaming noises wake me up at night (most nights). I had no choice, I could try help him, control his gaming use, offered him alternative hobbies, sports = he was not interested. I had to let go. He has seen teenage counsellors, therapists etc etc (he is not depressed or has no mental illness), I think most of them have given up with him. I am told teens gaming/wifi/SM 24/7 is a common problem they have to deal with.

Back to holidays......:rotfl:
I told him yesterday, to give me some ideas where you like to go and do, but Tuesday. Today when I come home he is just sitting there on xbox. After an hour of playing I said he could easily spend a few mins looking for ideas, options etc. He said he was too busy and needs to relax after school and his response (with a harsh tone) "later in the week".
For the people thinking I am expecting him to book and do all the details planning...no. But it would nice if he researched some suggestions what see/do/where is best to stay/ how to travel around etc.

I really wanted to go with him, but after hearing his constant horrible attitude & manners the way he speaks with me, I am now having 2nd thoughts. Do I really want to spend a week away putting up with this??

Can you imagine the furore if the hotel wi-fi wasn't up to scratch?

Enjoy a holiday of your choice. And I'd unplug the router now just for speaking to me like that one too many times. If I didn't feel up to having the full on 'well, that's what happens when you p*ss off the person who pays for the broadband', I'd say something like 'oh dear, something must have gone wrong with it, I'll contact the company in the morning' and then come up with a 'typical broadband, they can't get an engineer out for six weeks'. And use your laptop upstairs.

Yes, he'll go ballistic. But tough luck. He's earned it.

ETA: he has no mental health issues or disabilities. That means he's just being a d*ck.

Loz01 · 19 June 2017 at 9:12PM

What is he going to do post GCSE? Does he have a plan?

mutley74 · 19 June 2017 at 9:12PM

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Can you imagine the furore if the hotel wi-fi wasn't up to scratch?

Enjoy a holiday of your choice. And I'd unplug the router now just for speaking to me like that one too many times. If I didn't feel up to having the full on 'well, that's what happens when you p*ss off the person who pays for the broadband', I'd say something like 'oh dear, something must have gone wrong with it, I'll contact the company in the morning' and then come up with a 'typical broadband, they can't get an engineer out for six weeks'. And use your laptop upstairs.

Yes, he'll go ballistic. But tough luck. He's earned it.

ETA: he has no mental health issues or disabilities. That means he's just being a d*ck.

Just a stubborn, selfish teenager.

Although a counsellor told me I am lucky that he at least not getting into trouble with drink or being told off by police etc., which he told me is common with his other teenage patients. In fact son said it is one reason why he left some of his groups of friends, as all they do is drink/smoke in parks.

It is his loss, I am now going to just do something with friends instead, or go away in September myself. :beer:

Rosemary7391 · 19 June 2017 at 9:23PM

Just as an aside... it used to really bug me when my folks expected me to drop whatever I was doing right now to do what they wanted. Just like someone else wouldn't want to put a good book down halfway through a chapter. An element of forward planning might help him feel more in control and get a better attitude. For instance, over breakfast say - we need to sort the holiday tonight, would you like to do it before or after dinner? And depending on the answer make sure he doesn't get started gaming just when you want to do it!

Teens and holidays

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