Dont want to offend her but dont feel right about situation
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Leave well alone is my initial advice. However, if you do get to know and like the child, things may change. Take it slowly until you know more about the situation: after all, you only know one part of what looks like a difficult situation. For one thing, you don't have any idea how the child's mother views the situation: whether she accepts or rejects it, you just don't know.
As for 'extended families' - well I am granddad to 4 smashing grandchildren who have no blood relation to me and I have been granddad to each one from the day there were born. I was first granddad to hold each one on those days and I cannot tell you how much I love them. The eldest is 25 and the youngest is 14. Tomorrow we all go out to celebrate 2 birthdays: 22 yo granddaughter and her Bf. Bf's parents and brothers will be there and we will have a glorious time. We get together because we all like - no - love each other and we will wind up with a massive Group Hug.
Point being, you don't have to be a blood relative to take on a relationship. It just takes time and that is what you currently need.
I take your point but I don't think anyone is saying that it's not possible to be a 'step' grandparent. I'm sure OP would treat the child who's recently been introduced to the family in a friendly, welcoming way but to be expecting someone to be called Grandma after a very short while isn't right for anyone IMO. Take it slowly and don't commit yet would be my advice.0 -
The child’s four years old and you’re probably going to see very little of them. I don’t see how it really matters what the child calls you.
Personally I think it’s really your husbands decision. He’s managed to build a relationship with his daughter so I’m not sure he would appreciate you causing problems in this relationship for something that is basically harmless.0 -
The child’s four years old and you’re probably going to see very little of them. I don’t see how it really matters what the child calls you.
Personally I think it’s really your husbands decision. He’s managed to build a relationship with his daughter so I’m not sure he would appreciate you causing problems in this relationship for something that is basically harmless.
The child’s mother might not consider it harmless. It doesn’t seem like the best way to be handling a big transition for a 4 year old.0 -
I'd feel uneasy with it too, but I think I would lean towards just ignoring the photos she sends etc. But I am interested to know what does your husband think about it? I think if anything needs to be said, then he should be the one to do so.0
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Thank you for the replies, just to clarify a few points.
My husband feels exactly as I do that its too much, too soon and is uncomfortable with it. I would never do anything to upset him or his relationship with his daughter.
She actually threw her arms round me at our very first meeting and told me she was now the 'Daughter I never had' as she knew I had sons.
She has her own mum and stepdad and siblings but she does not seem close to them. she is close to her maternal grandparents though.
She is very 'Full on' and has come across as very clingy and needy but we have put that down to it being a new relationship with her dad and me and as time has gone it seems to be lessening especially now she has met this man.
We do know from what she has told us that his wife is very angry at the situation, they had been together for over 10 years but had only married 2 years ago.
I have also noticed that when we are talking that she is very critical of the way that the childs mum brings her up. Up until very recently she complained constantly that the mum was being a 'b----' in not letting her see the child and that her boyfriend had to go to the family home if he wanted to see his daughter. I did at that point tell her that perhaps that was understandable and she may very well feel the same if the roles were reversed an to give it time.
The mum has obviously relented on this now as the child has started to spend Saturday day and night with them. However the child has been told to call my stepdaughter 'Mum 2' as 'Im now your dads partner'.
6 months ago she was in an unhappy marriage and really would probably have benefitted from some time alone but she has jumped straight into this new relationship. Her facebook profile is open and there are lots of photos of 'Me and my wonderful man' who is 'The most genuine and supportive person I have ever known' and I don't think she has any concept of how this may be hurting his wife.
I think the child may be very confused as well.
As far as extended families go and being called grandma I would have no issue at all given time. We have never met her boyfriend although we did meet her husband before she left him. They do live a long way from us but we have travelled to see her and she has been to see us a couple of times.
I jut cant help but feel that it is if she is playing happy families a bit too brazenly at someone else's expense and expecting to be almost praised for it. My husband and I are in complete agreement, he feels uneasy but is just keeping his fingers crossed that she finds happiness with this man. But we both feel we are being pushed too quickly. At the moment its continual photos but probably next weekend it will be phone calls and Skype. Her boyfriend has only shouted 'Hello' when her dad has been on the phone to her and he has never met or had a conversation with us so it seems odd to be calling his daughter our grandchild.0 -
I'm not surprised, i wouldn't be comfortable either, definately need to be :silenced:
I feel sorry for the wife too, having this plastered around as if it's your step daughters child with the circumstances.
Telling the child to call her mum 2 is ridiculous, should be up to the child whatever she is comfortable with, if she decides mum after a while on her own accord then that is up to her and comfortable with.
Happened with a mate of mine, met someone who had a young son, son has regular contact with their father, friendly breakup. Months later moved in together. Months after son asked mum if he could call my mate dad rather than first name (he told me) and mum said whatever you are comfortable with.0 -
This is an odd way to approach this situation and it doesn’t sound like your step daughter is very mature in terms of how she handles relationships. It’s good you are approaching all of this so thoughtfully. In my experience, as long as parents and grandparents remain friendly, supportive and non-judgemental in these situations, it works out ok in the end and it sounds like you are that kind of person. The biggest issue I can see here is that your stepdaughter is likely to somehow come out of it badly, she sounds like she’s on a path towards getting very hurt.
All of which is to say, keep doing what you’re doing as far as I can see. Be non committal, be pleasant about the child and her father and hopefully it will sort itself out over time.0 -
I don't think she has any concept of how this may be hurting his wife.
Sorry but I am going to come straight out with this!
There is indeed a first class b---h in all this and it isn't the wife! Indeed, for the wife to be behaving so utterly reasonably while in anger/agony over the whole scenario is integrity of the highest order, in my opinion.
I don't have an issue with marriages breaking down nor recognising that affairs happen. I do have an issue with the spineless man in all this - he is allowing your stepdaughter to muscle in (on a mother's holy ground for want of a better description) where angels would blanch at treading!
I understand that neither you nor her father want to rock this newly acquired boat but you could quite reasonably make cool responses and hope that she gets the message that full on is not appropriate.
Most of all, I hope that the innocent child in all this is not being set up for heartbreak and loss in the future if this new relationship breaks down.
Your concern is entirely reasonable. Good luck.0 -
I've been "the wife" in this scenario. My ex was taking our 3 year old to see his new GF whilst I was in bits. It hurts a lot but I gritted my teeth for my 3 year olds sake. I had no idea whether his new relationship would last but went along with it to avoid passing on any bad feeling to my child, they loved going, my ex's GF made a fuss of her, just as the OP's stepdaughter is doing. It's not an ideal situation but can work out OK if handled well. To the OP i'd say just take things as they come, if you're uncomfortable with the child calling you "Grandma" just say you'd prefer that they call you by your name or something else you agree on ? Things will settle down eventually, it's really early days for all of you, it can be as complicated as you make it, I decided to take it a day at a time and eventually my ex and his new GF split up but my daughter still has a relationship with her, as do I, we've become friends, which is hilarious really if you think about it !0
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My husband feels exactly as I do that its too much, too soon and is uncomfortable with it. I would never do anything to upset him or his relationship with his daughter.
She has her own mum and stepdad and siblings but she does not seem close to them. she is close to her maternal grandparents though.
She is very 'Full on' and has come across as very clingy and needy
Could these things be related? Maybe her close family have been through stuff with her so many times that they've chosen to distance themselves from her dramas?paddy's_mum wrote: »I understand that neither you nor her father want to rock this newly acquired boat but you could quite reasonably make cool responses and hope that she gets the message that full on is not appropriate.
Your concern is entirely reasonable.
I agree with all this - keep your distance, physically and emotionally.0
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