Dont want to offend her but dont feel right about situation

swingaloo

gomer wrote: »

So she was an adult when she found out the man she always thought was her father wasn't actually her dad? What do you imagine that sort of bombshell would do to a person emotionally? Do you suppose it might just shake the very foundation of everything you thought you knew, and dare i say make you a bit insecure?

You must surely be able to see where i am coming from with this? No wonder she's so messed up.The very foundation of her entire life has just been pulled from under her.

Might not be what you want to hear of course, but you did ask.

Im not sure where you are going with this 'It might not be what you want to hear' thing. Its as if you are trying to imply some blame. Of course I understand what has happened to her has had an impact. Perhaps you are reading me wrong but I actually have a great deal of affection for her and Im worried sick that she is going to get hurt but that doesn't mean that I don't have worries about how she is pushing things with the little girl.

gomer

Alright, I'll spell it out for you. You seem more irritated by her behaviour then you are in actually looking beneath it & looking at WHY she might be behaving the way she is.

It's not about blame & it's not about you. Please just try absorbing the points i have raised. With what little you have revealed about her I'm not even surprised she is so insecure and behaves the way she does, you however seem unable to understand why she is behaving the way she is & feel uncomfortable about it.

To me it's pretty obvious why she is so desperate to play happy families & has such a confused idea about relationships. Her whole world has been turned upside down & now she is having to question everything she thought she knew.

Perhaps stop taking it so personally & look at it from her perspective. Nobody said you are not worried about her but you will be a lot more able to help her if you actually understood why she behaves the way she does & I'm trying to offer you some insight here. I just get the feeling that if you truly understood her behaviour you wouldn't have posted this topic. Clearly you are struggling to understand her & i have offered you quite a large insight.

Like i said, you did ask.

maman

I still think you're right that she's pushing things much too quickly with this 'happy families' thing so I'd keep it as cool as possible.

You're right that what's happened will have had an impact which could be affecting her current behaviour but that doesn't make it right or sensible for her to rush headlong into this new situation and drag a small child into it too. The child could end up as confused as she is herself.:(

Blackpool_Saver

She is probably doing it to wind up the mother because she is jealous, or the mother is ok with it and all get on well.

Whatever is the situation, if YOU butt in, you will become the enemy.

Don't get involved and as a previous poster said just say oh that's nice.

As for the grandma thing, say you don't feel comfortable with it, but send little gifts and be friendly.

hollydays

As others have said, this isn't going to end well.
Your husband and yourself might start to pass on , your ways of dealing with stress. I have an inkling she won't have good coping strategies , and he and you will be left to pick up the pieces.

swingaloo

gomer wrote: »

Alright, I'll spell it out for you. You seem more irritated by her behaviour then you are in actually looking beneath it & looking at WHY she might be behaving the way she is.

It's not about blame & it's not about you. Please just try absorbing the points i have raised. With what little you have revealed about her I'm not even surprised she is so insecure and behaves the way she does, you however seem unable to understand why she is behaving the way she is & feel uncomfortable about it.

To me it's pretty obvious why she is so desperate to play happy families & has such a confused idea about relationships. Her whole world has been turned upside down & now she is having to question everything she thought she knew.

Perhaps stop taking it so personally & look at it from her perspective. Nobody said you are not worried about her but you will be a lot more able to help her if you actually understood why she behaves the way she does & I'm trying to offer you some insight here. I just get the feeling that if you truly understood her behaviour you wouldn't have posted this topic. Clearly you are struggling to understand her & i have offered you quite a large insight.

Like i said, you did ask.

Thank you for your insight, however you haven't actually 'offered' me anything that I hadn't already known. I do understand her behaviour and the issues she has but even so I don't think having issues with your past justifies playing happy families at another womans expense nor do I think that this man is good for her but all the same both my husband and I are trying to be as supportive as possible.

gomer

maman wrote: »

I still think you're right that she's pushing things much too quickly with this 'happy families' thing so I'd keep it as cool as possible.

You're right that what's happened will have had an impact which could be affecting her current behaviour but that doesn't make it right or sensible for her to rush headlong into this new situation and drag a small child into it too. The child could end up as confused as she is herself.:(

That's the whole point though - her whole idea about what is right & sensible is the problem here because it has been influenced by what she has experienced herself.

Yes it's weird. Yes it's potentially wrong. But it didn't just happen from nowhere.

Mojisola

gomer wrote: »

So she was an adult when she found out the man she always thought was her father wasn't actually her dad? What do you imagine that sort of bombshell would do to a person emotionally? Do you suppose it might just shake the very foundation of everything you thought you knew, and dare i say make you a bit insecure?

As she's already had one marriage to a controlling man, it sounds as if her issues go back beyond finding out about her genetic father.

maman

gomer wrote: »

That's the whole point though - her whole idea about what is right & sensible is the problem here because it has been influenced by what she has experienced herself.

Yes it's weird. Yes it's potentially wrong. But it didn't just happen from nowhere.

I think we're at cross purposes. Of course, it does seem that the daughter's past experience is driving how she behaves now.

But that doesn't make it the best thing to do for her or the young child involved and the OP joining in and encouraging her would make it worse IMO.

gomer

maman wrote: »

I think we're at cross purposes. Of course, it does seem that the daughter's past experience is driving how she behaves now.

But that doesn't make it the best thing to do for her or the young child involved and the OP joining in and encouraging her would make it worse IMO.

Nobody is saying it makes it the best thing to do, or that the op should join in. Is everyone mis reading me on purpose tonight?

Isn't it pretty obvious what i am saying? It is happening for a reason. The reason is obvious. If perhaps people focus on that reason rather than their own personal feelings about it, they might find a solution. Nobody is saying it is right or appropriate.

We can all commiserate with the op about how wrong it is and how awkward it is and how she should keep out of it, but that's not actually going to change the situation. Working out why it's happening might be more productive then putting the daughter down & operating from a place of stern judgement.

The fact it it's happening. Deal with it or don't deal with it, it's not going away.