Dont want to offend her but dont feel right about situation

swingaloo

Thank you for all the responses. Her dad and I spoken about it at length and agree that she seems to be quite immature. Her dad says he just wants her happy and he is not in a position to be telling her what to do but he has gently advised her to take her time. She seems besotted so we don't want to say anything negative to her about him nor do we want to come across as too critical of the way she is behaving as we don't want to lose her. Neither of us are condoning the behaviour but we are having to tread lightly.

I do agree with the person who says the boyfriend is out of order as well because he is posing on these photos and clearly has no qualms about rubbing his new relationship in his exs face. He is also a good few years older than my stepdaughter which does not matter at all but you would think he had a bit more maturity about him.

There is a lot of manipulation going on as well as she posts photos every day of what she is wearing and its always 'Todays outfit chosen by my partner'. He tells her what she must cook each day and wont let her shop alone, either for food or clothes as he wants to choose.

She tells us all this in a kind of 'excited' way as if he is marvellous. I tried jokingly saying to her that if her dad told me what to wear I would cut 2 inches off the bottom of all his trousers. To which she laughed and replied that she loves the way he 'Looks after her'.

She told me a couple of weeks ago that the childs mum had asked that the dad buys her some shoes for starting school. My stepdaughter said that she was going to take her for them while dad watched the football as she 'Knew what type she thought she should have'.

I think there is a strong possibility that her close family have distanced themselves as she has always got a bit of a drama going on even before this man came on the scene. Looking back at what she has told us about her childhood (although obviously we only know what she has told us) I think that she is crying out for her idea of a close family unit.
Her ex husband was very controlling from what we saw of him and I think that to a degree she sees the control as a form of love. She was also trying to get pregnant with her ex husband but even though they tried for 6 or 7 years they were not successful and she has always said she really wants children and feels time is running out so maybe that explains a little as to why she is so full on with this child.

Im stuck between wanting to hug her and shake her at the same time.

Marvel1

swingaloo wrote: »

There is a lot of manipulation going on as well as she posts photos every day of what she is wearing and its always 'Todays outfit chosen by my partner'. He tells her what she must cook each day and wont let her shop alone, either for food or clothes as he wants to choose.

Oh dear, clearly in a controlling and abusive relationship.

paddy's_mum

The child's father/boyfriend must think he is in seventh heaven. He's got a besotted girlfriend that he can rely on to bow to his superiority and his wishes, a wife who he clearly cares nothing about and can legally 'smack between the eyes' using her child to attack, and gets to sit watching the football on tv while (what d'ya wanna bet?) the silly girl keeps the house clean, the bed warm and does his tasks with the little girl!

The saddest part of all this is going to be the day he treats your stepdaughter to the same carp and moves on again. Perhaps by that time there will be other children in the picture who will feel unloved, abandoned and lost.

I know very well what you mean by the shake and hug comment and I hope that you have found some reassurance that your perceptions and concerns have been validated by the comments of other responders.

Again, I wish luck to all of you.

onwards&upwards

Marvel1 wrote: »

Oh dear, clearly in a controlling and abusive relationship.

It might not be true, might just be her showing off how ‘bonded’ they are, marking her territory.

Doesn’t ring quite right to me.

maman

onwards&upwards wrote: »

It might not be true, might just be her showing off how ‘bonded’ they are, marking her territory.

Doesn’t ring quite right to me.

Marvel1 wrote: »

Oh dear, clearly in a controlling and abusive relationship.

Either might be true but I know women who are quite accepting of men choosing their clothes or how they spend their free time.

Ironically I know many women who shop for their partner's clothes and lay them out ready to wear. I don't think of that as abusive, just lazy and immature and wanting a substitute mum!

Mojisola

swingaloo wrote: »

There is a lot of manipulation going on as well as she posts photos every day of what she is wearing and its always 'Todays outfit chosen by my partner'. He tells her what she must cook each day and wont let her shop alone, either for food or clothes as he wants to choose.

Her ex husband was very controlling from what we saw of him and I think that to a degree she sees the control as a form of love.

Just be there in the background - this is not going to end well.

gomer

I hate to say this & i almost feel like i am pointing out the glaringly obvious, but did it not occur to you that the fact she has only been in your lives a couple of years might actually be relevant in all this?

This isn't to point fingers, but perhaps having not had her own father in her life so long has resulted in what you are now seeing - insecurity, neediness & being desperate to have a perfect happy little family of her own?

I know on the surface it does all look a bit wrong & i would feel just as uncomfortable, certainly telling a 4 year old to call her mum is a no-no for me, but (big but), perhaps you need to look a little more deeply rather than just looking at the surface symptoms here as the reason she is the way she is may well be a little nearer to home than you might like to admit?

If just witnessing what is being played out psychologically is making you feel uncomfortable, then looking deeper at where her underlying emotional needs may have come from is going to make you feel even more uncomfortable.

Sorry to be the bearer of this little insight but her newly found relationship with her own father after so long to me screams out as more than just a tad relevant & explains a lot.

paddy's_mum

Well, I think we all caught on about that, gomer, but as fast as I recognise the validity of what you're saying, I also think the fact that this stepdaughter has a very cool relationship with most other blood relatives says a great deal too.

I would also suggest that if she was so 'damaged' by the distance of her father (and who can say who said what to whom and when in that scenario?) then exactly why is she aiding the boyfriend to do pretty much the same thing to the little girl of the marriage?

At the end of the day, all anyone can say with any sense of truth or certainty is "nowt so queer as folk"!

swingaloo

gomer wrote: »

I hate to say this & i almost feel like i am pointing out the glaringly obvious, but did it not occur to you that the fact she has only been in your lives a couple of years might actually be relevant in all this?

This isn't to point fingers, but perhaps having not had her own father in her life so long has resulted in what you are now seeing - insecurity, neediness & being desperate to have a perfect happy little family of her own?

I know on the surface it does all look a bit wrong & i would feel just as uncomfortable, certainly telling a 4 year old to call her mum is a no-no for me, but (big but), perhaps you need to look a little more deeply rather than just looking at the surface symptoms here as the reason she is the way she is may well be a little nearer to home than you might like to admit?

If just witnessing what is being played out psychologically is making you feel uncomfortable, then looking deeper at where her underlying emotional needs may have come from is going to make you feel even more uncomfortable.

Sorry to be the bearer of this little insight but her newly found relationship with her own father after so long to me screams out as more than just a tad relevant & explains a lot.

She was brought up by her mum and dad and had no idea that her dad wasn't her natural father till she was mid 20s.

Likewise my husband didn't know of her till she turned up on the doorstep. He had divorced due to his wifes adultery and he had no idea that his ex was pregnant when they split. She kept quiet because she had already moved on to the new guy and wanted to bring the child up with him and consequently moved to the other end of the country so she would not be seen.
They are still together and went on to have more children so she has had a stable upbringing.

And yes, before anyone asks, my husband is definitely her dad and he has been over the moon to have her in our life.

gomer

So she was an adult when she found out the man she always thought was her father wasn't actually her dad? What do you imagine that sort of bombshell would do to a person emotionally? Do you suppose it might just shake the very foundation of everything you thought you knew, and dare i say make you a bit insecure?

You must surely be able to see where i am coming from with this? No wonder she's so messed up.The very foundation of her entire life has just been pulled from under her.

Might not be what you want to hear of course, but you did ask.