Dont want to offend her but dont feel right about situation

maman

gomer wrote: »

Nobody is saying it makes it the best thing to do, or that the op should join in. Is everyone mis reading me on purpose tonight?

Isn't it pretty obvious what i am saying? It is happening for a reason. The reason is obvious. If perhaps people focus on that reason rather than their own personal feelings about it, they might find a solution. Nobody is saying it is right or appropriate.

We can all commiserate with the op about how wrong it is and how awkward it is and how she should keep out of it, but that's not actually going to change the situation. Working out why it's happening might be more productive then putting the daughter down & operating from a place of stern judgement.

The fact it it's happening. Deal with it or don't deal with it, it's not going away.

gomer wrote: »

Nobody can do anything thats the whole point, yet many (bar 1 or 2) seem happy to pour scorn on the daughter without understanding the flawed reasoning behind her decisions. She clearly has issues i wouldn't be getting involved with. There is no advice in a situation like this. Just understand why it's happening and stay at a safe distance so you are not sucked into it. facebook has unfollow & block buttons for a reason.

I don't get the feeling that most posters are putting the daughter down. They appreciate that what she's found out in recent times may well be affecting her behaviour/judgement on relationships.

It's OP that's posted not the daughter so people are just expressing the opinion that (for whatever reason) the daughter is rushing too quickly into a relationship and getting a young child into it too. OP's husband has gently suggested she takes her time, we've advised OP to be pleasant but not encourage the 'happy families' situation. I think that's reasonable and allows OP and her husband to support the daughter and also be prepared for any pitfalls along the way.

pickledonionspaceraider

I would stay out of it OP, if I were you, I would use facebook unfollow or even come off of facebook TBF I am starting to struggle to see the merits of facebook in any circumstance these days

Just stay out of it - your opinion (and ours) is not required. It doesn't matter what you think, as the step daughter is an adult and living her own life

maman

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

I would stay out of it OP, if I were you, I would use facebook unfollow or even come off of facebook TBF I am starting to struggle to see the merits of facebook in any circumstance these days

Just stay out of it - your opinion (and ours) is not required. It doesn't matter what you think, as the step daughter is an adult and living her own life

I don't disagree in principle but some people get really upset if they are 'unfriended' on Facebook and OP doesn't want to alienate the daughter, they've recently forged a relationship. I'd suggest just an occasional friendly message and, if asked, say she's cooling off social media.

I don't use Facebook myself but I know DH uses it a lot. He belongs to groups based on his hobbies where Facebook seems to offer a cheaper, more dynamic alternative to a website.

TBagpuss

OP, I think it is reasonable for you and your husband to feel uneasy about this - it does sound a bit as though your step-daughter is so excited about being able to 'play happy families' with her partner's child that she has lost sight of what might be best for th child.

That said, I think that you are doing the right thing by staying out of it as much as you can. I think that, if and when the opportunity arises, it is reasonable for you to sound a slight note of caution, for instnace by mentioning that everything seems to be moving very fast, and that it might be better to give the child a bit more time and space, and let them decide for themself what they want to call her, and/or suggestng that it's likely to be best for the child if they can see that their mum and dad, and any new partners, are all respectful of each other, so hopefully she and her partner can set the example but being polite about Mum, and making sure that they don't seem to be critical of her or trying to compete with her, but I think it's unlikely to be productive to try to have thatkind of conversatipon online.

With regard to her giving you photos of the child, I think you can push back a little bit - maybe something like "thank you for showing us the picture, it's nice to see [name] and I hope that , in time, we will get to meet her, but of course we wouldn't dream of calling orselves her grandparents unless she was happy with that, and had got to know us well enough that it felt appropriate tp her and her mum and dad, as well as to us."

That way, you are making it clear that she and the child are both welcomebut also that you aren't trying to rush to claim a relationsip that doesn't, yet, exist. hopefully if you focs on it being that you and your husband don't know the child yet and that you would want to make sure she and both her paretns were comfortbale with it, you don't come over as rejecting her or criticisng your step-daughter.

I agree that your step-daughter may well be bringing her own experience into this, but I am not sure that that necessarily changes your approach!

Like a couple of other commenters, the fact that her partner wants to pcik out her clothes and doesn't want her shopping alone raise red flags about the relationship, it sounds very controlling. However, even if that is the case, it's unlikely that you would be able to help her unless she decides she wants to leave - with that in mind, i would suggest that you make an effort to kep in contact with her and to continue to see her (even if her partner is unwelcoming or rude) so you are there if and when she needs you.

hollydays

I also wonder if it's the partner that's encouraging her, or telling her to do this.

gomer

maman wrote: »

I don't get the feeling that most posters are putting the daughter down. They appreciate that what she's found out in recent times may well be affecting her behaviour/judgement on relationships.

It's OP that's posted not the daughter so people are just expressing the opinion that (for whatever reason) the daughter is rushing too quickly into a relationship and getting a young child into it too. OP's husband has gently suggested she takes her time, we've advised OP to be pleasant but not encourage the 'happy families' situation. I think that's reasonable and allows OP and her husband to support the daughter and also be prepared for any pitfalls along the way.

If you read back through the thread in its entirety. There really is quite a bit of unpleasant negative sentiment being directed personally toward the daughter herself here. I just think that is looking more at the symptoms rather than at the underlying issues behind this.

If that makes me an arrogant know it all, then that must be what i am. Am i bothered about that? What d'ya reckon? :A

paddy's_mum

gomer wrote: »

quite a bit of unpleasant negative sentiment being directed personally toward the daughter herself here. I just think that is looking more at the symptoms rather than at the underlying issues behind this.

I agree...and I was one of those directing sentiment. Do I apologise? No. Why?

For the same reason that I would have an unpredictable biter of a dog put down before it mauls some child's face. The reasons driving the behaviour don't actually come into it - they make no difference to the danger and the probable outcome, however sympathetic I might feel towards the genetic problem or the brain tumour causing said conduct.

I don't see why this stepdaughter's past unhappiness or reasoning matters. The fact remains that she is tantamount to commandeering another woman's child. That child doesn't need a Mummy2 - she isn't an orphan and it is that behaviour that I find so distasteful.

In this, as so often in life, people have to agree to disagree. What's that old saying about defending to the death your right to express an opinion that I might loathe?

gomer

Well i would reply but someone might run to teacher telling tales :rotfl: