Dont want to offend her but dont feel right about situation

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  • Anoneemoose
    Anoneemoose Posts: 2,258 Forumite
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    gomer wrote: »
    Rather than making personal remarks and coming across as rude and confrontational, perhaps you'd like to give us all the wealth of your own advice? I don't 'obviously' think anything.

    I never said I had any advice to impart.
  • gomer
    gomer Posts: 1,473 Forumite
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    :iloveyou: ;)
  • hollydays
    hollydays Posts: 19,812 Forumite
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    gomer wrote: »
    Rather than making personal remarks and coming across as rude and confrontational, perhaps you'd like to give us all the wealth of your own advice?

    I don't 'obviously' think anything of the sort. I didn't give advice because I don't have to.

    I just pointed out the uncomfortable truth the rest of you were ignoring because you were all too busy pouring scorn on the daughter to perhaps question why she was behaving the way she is.

    I think I covered that in post number 5

    "I was wondering what sort of things she may have experienced in the rest of her life."
  • gomer
    gomer Posts: 1,473 Forumite
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    :grouphug:
  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 7,323 Forumite
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    I think you are doing the right thing, staying in the back ground ready to be supportive if it goes wrong. Yes, there are indicators that there are some 'not right' things about this (including the fact that her bf had an affair and then walked away from a relationship) that are not good indicators, plus the things you have pointed out.

    Yes her world has been turned upside down. So has that of all her family as she is falling over herself to make a relationship with her newly found father. I don't like to think how they feel.

    All you can do is be there if it does go wrong.

    I have a son in a similar situation (manipulative relationship he can see is manipulative but still thinks he can 'rescue' her). Totally sympathise with simultaneously wanting to hug and shake lol.
  • cheeky-peach
    cheeky-peach Posts: 327 Forumite
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    I'm genuinely shocked that they have been introduced so soon regardless of living arrangements, and that she is called 'Mum 2' already! Wow.
  • pollypenny
    pollypenny Posts: 29,393 Forumite
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    Hmm, you're right to be concerned, OP. Far too much, too soon, both from the wider family's point and certainly for that poor child!

    I seriously wonder about the stability of the daughter, who seems to have thrown herself into her new relationships, both with her father and yourself, and with this BF and his little one.

    Why the estrangement from her mother and that family?

    I'd just keep it light and polite. If it works out in the long run, great. If not, prepare for the fallout and be supportive.
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
  • paddy's_mum
    paddy's_mum Posts: 3,977 Forumite
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    The only things that someone other than the stepdaughter herself can do to alter, change or affect the current situation are, in this country at least, totally illegal. Short of shooting the boyfriend, kidnapping the child or imprisoning the stepdaughter, what can anyone actually do?

    The stepdaughter would appear to be late twenties, perhaps thirty and therefore must make her own choices and decisions and stand by the results of them. I'm sure many of us could claim events in our young lives have led to this or that hang-up but that is neither fault nor failing on the OP's part. Indeed, she seems to have approached the whole issue with compassion, understanding and concern. The stepdaughter is also old enough to look around at how the world works and ask herself questions about her own reasoning, reactions and behaviour.

    I could voice an opinion that clearly a propensity for adultery seems to run in the distaff side of that family - would that be an equally valid "uncomfortable truth" and even if it was, what does that revelation bring to the party?

    Swingaloo appears to me to be seeking an unbiased, independent viewpoint in order to clarify her own thinking and for that I applaud her.
  • gomer
    gomer Posts: 1,473 Forumite
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    Nobody can do anything thats the whole point, yet many (bar 1 or 2) seem happy to pour scorn on the daughter without understanding the flawed reasoning behind her decisions. She clearly has issues i wouldn't be getting involved with. There is no advice in a situation like this. Just understand why it's happening and stay at a safe distance so you are not sucked into it. facebook has unfollow & block buttons for a reason.
  • Marisco
    Marisco Posts: 42,036 Forumite
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    How did she find out that the man who brought her up was not her biological dad? Maybe that could have a bearing on her current state of mind/behaviour?
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