Dont want to offend her but dont feel right about situation

swingaloo · 19 October 2019 at 8:37PM

My husband has an adult daughter who only came into our lives 2 years ago. Things are good between them and she has become a big part of our family although she lives a fair way from us.

She has recently left her husband for a man she works with and he in turn has left his wife and they have moved in together very quickly. We have never met him. It has all happened in 4 months. He and his wife had a child of 4. Im not comfortable with how it happened but its not up to me and I don't feel Ive known her long enough to be 'straight talking' as I would be with my own kids. I don't want to rock the boat and cause any awkwardness as her dad is so happy that she is now in his life.

One issue that grates with me is that she is playing happy families with this child at weekends and posting numerous photos on facebook/Instagram of them out together/baking/etc and posting about taking her out for school shoes and she has even taken her to get her hair cut. im feeling its so disrespectful to his wife as they live in the same village.

But the main issue is that she keeps sending me photos of the child on Facebook and also sent one in the post so I could put it in a frame as I am now 'a grandma'.

We have never met this child and in my mind she is simply the daughter of my step daughters boyfriend. We are not this child's grandparents nor do we have the right to call ourselves that. I don't think its right for the child to have to regard us as such.

It just all feels wrong to me but while I don't want to upset my stepdaughter I don't think its right to have the child of someone I have never met regard us as grandma and grandad.

Is it just me being funny?

hollydays · 19 October 2019 at 8:47PM

Do have any gut instinct of why she might be doing this?

maman · 19 October 2019 at 8:48PM

I agree with you but I think it's quite common for people to behave like this.

I can see that you don't want to talk to her directly about it. I think that's very sensible.

I think I'd just respond to any messages with non committal remarks like 'You sound really happy', least said soonest mended.

Incidentally, what does your husband think?

maman · 19 October 2019 at 8:50PM

hollydays wrote: »

Do have any gut instinct of why she might be doing this?

If you mean the Facebook posting then I'd say it's looking for confirmation and approval of what she's doing. Best to keep out of it IMO.

hollydays · 19 October 2019 at 8:51PM

maman wrote: »

If you mean the Facebook posting then I'd say it's looking for confirmation and approval of what she's doing. Best to keep out of it IMO.

Sort of, but all of it.
I was wondering what sort of things she may have experienced in the rest of her life.
I could guess how the mother might feel, but I might guess wrong.

iammumtoone · 19 October 2019 at 8:59PM

The step family side are now considered grandparents etc, this is common. The child will know (if not now then when shes a bit older) that you are not maternal grandparents.

Would you feel the same way if she meet this man in different circumstances?

I would stay well out of it, you will only come off the bad person. How do you know that the wife in this situation is not happy about it, for all you know the wife had been wanting to split up with her husband.

paddy's_mum · 19 October 2019 at 9:10PM

swingaloo wrote: »

Is it just me being funny?

I don't think so. It strikes me as very odd behaviour, almost compelling you to accept and applaud her conduct. It certainly smacks of manipulation as you are no relation to this child whatever. They have not even been together long enough to allow the child to know or like you let alone feel love.

I also think this conduct has the potential to cause huge trouble for the child's father if the mother has her toes trodden on badly enough. I can't imagine any mother enjoying having her husband's Other Woman muscling her way even further into the family dynamic.

It really is an unsavoury way of going on and in your shoes, I would be feeling just as uneasy.

POPPYOSCAR · 19 October 2019 at 9:19PM

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I don't think so. It strikes me as very odd behaviour, almost compelling you to accept and applaud her conduct. It certainly smacks of manipulation as you are no relation to this child whatever. They have not even been together long enough to allow the child to know or like you let alone feel love.

I also think this conduct has the potential to cause huge trouble for the child's father if the mother has her toes trodden on badly enough. I can't imagine any mother enjoying having her husband's Other Woman muscling her way even further into the family dynamic.

It really is an unsavoury way of going on and in your shoes, I would be feeling just as uneasy.

I agree.

It sounds all too much too soon.

Robisere · 19 October 2019 at 9:26PM

Leave well alone is my initial advice. However, if you do get to know and like the child, things may change. Take it slowly until you know more about the situation: after all, you only know one part of what looks like a difficult situation. For one thing, you don't have any idea how the child's mother views the situation: whether she accepts or rejects it, you just don't know.

As for 'extended families' - well I am granddad to 4 smashing grandchildren who have no blood relation to me and I have been granddad to each one from the day there were born. I was first granddad to hold each one on those days and I cannot tell you how much I love them. The eldest is 25 and the youngest is 14. Tomorrow we all go out to celebrate 2 birthdays: 22 yo granddaughter and her Bf. Bf's parents and brothers will be there and we will have a glorious time. We get together because we all like - no - love each other and we will wind up with a massive Group Hug.

Point being, you don't have to be a blood relative to take on a relationship. It just takes time and that is what you currently need.

bouicca21 · 19 October 2019 at 9:31PM

Gosh, I know someone who has been in the life of a quasi grand child for over two years. He and the step parent are still feeling their way very, very slowly with the welfare of the child at the centre of their thoughts.

4 months! I doubt you can stay out of it completely, but Maman's suggestion of 'you sound really happy' is a good one. If they visit, then it's just like having a visit from any child - entertain the child and let her choose what she wants to call you.

paddy's_mum · 19 October 2019 at 9:35PM

Robisere wrote: »

.Take it slowly

Point being, you don't have to be a blood relative to take on a relationship. It just takes time

Lovely sentiments, Robisere, and I agree with much of what you say.

However, OP's point is that the stepdaughter is NOT taking it slowly or allowing time for a sound relationship to develop and I suspect it is that rushing in with both big feet that is making people feel so uneasy.

Dont want to offend her but dont feel right about situation

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