Issues with in-laws?

When it comes to the christening the teaching of the church is that the child should be christened in the church local to where he/she will be brought up.

Pops158 wrote: »

Hi everyone, I'm hoping to get some advice with a situation? My husband and I are currently trying for a baby, and we've let our parents know because they were all waiting in anticipation for such an announcement (though we are yet to become pregnant). The issue has started arising from my in-laws. They are very devout christians and massive horders.

My husband's mother has made it clear that she expects the child to be christened and to attend her church every Sunday (about a 2 hour round trip for us). I refused when she said, but my husband is now being guilted into saying yes by both his parents. I don't have an issue with religion, but I don't think I want to drive 2 hours each sunday when there's a church 5 min walk away if we decided to raise the child of that faith, and I see no point in getting the child christened?

A second, slightly more serious issue, is the state of her house. She is adamant that our child will spend equal time with both my parents and her, but her house is not somewhere I would feel safe having a small baby?

She has carpets throughout her house, but hasn't hoovered in the 31 years they've lived there, and there are boxes piled easily talled than myself throughout the house, quite precariously. I have found broken glass, sewing needles, black mold, and what I think may be rat droppings. Every surface is filthy and I've been personally hit twice by calling boxes, at one point fracturing my foot.

I have attempted to help her tidying in the past, even hired a skip for her as ghey had no money, the skip was unused because she couldn't find the time and nothing needed thrown out, she now doesn't entertain ideas of sorting out the house, saying it will be cleared when they die.

I have said they can come to our house when they want to see the child etc. But they said my house makes them feel uncomfortable because I spend too much time cleaning it?? (About an hour a day)

I can understand where she is coming from, my parents live a 8 minute walk away, and will likely see the child more, as they like a 40 min drive, but she is being so stubborn about the cleaning, and won't understand what a safety issue it could be? My husband refused to talk to her about it saying it's how they want to live let them?

I don't know what to do. It feels almost silly to be worrying about it before we've confirmed pregnancy, but I feel like I need to set a precedent or they'll wanting to babysit at their house and planning a christening. I don't want to upset anyone, but I also don't want to bring a baby to such a house, or travel 2 hours each week to a church I don't believe in.

Sorry for the really long post!

Tell your in-laws that cleanliness is next to godliness.

I think step one is that you and your husband need to discuss, and agree on what line to take with his parents. You an he ned to be able to agree on, and kep to, the same boundaries, so your husband needs to be ableto stand up to his parents.

This is probably someting you and he need to have a serious discussion about now, not when / if you become pregnant, so that you can present a united front to others.

if your husband is not ready or willing to stick to what you and he decide, when faced with pressure from his paretns, then you are going to have endless problems and hat would potentially be a huge red flag for how you will be able to work together if you beome paretns yourselves.

In relatin to the church / christening thing: Is your husband devout? Does he go to church every week? If so, then unless you actively object, it may be reasonable for you to agree that any cild can be baptised in the church he attends, and that he can attend church and take the baby with him.

Just becuase his paretns want you / the baby to attend their chuirch, there is no reason you need to do so.

It might be kind to visit and attend church once or twice so they get to show of their grandchild to all their chrch friends, but a simple "Oh, that wouldn't work for us" and changing the subject is preferctly reasonable if they are putting pressure on.

(although if/when the baby arrives, you might seddenly decide that having your husband and the baby out of the hosue for several hours on a Sunday morning while you get some time to yourself i9s actualyl something you are OK with!)

There is no assumption that the child will spend the same amount of time with both sets of grandparents. This is your child, not theirs, and you get to decide where and with who they spend time.


I think it is would be unusual to have an absolutely equal split in any family - rela life tends not to work that way. If your paretns live much nearer, it is almost inevitabl that they will see you and any baby more often.

It is perfectly reasonable to set boundaries.

Those might be "You are welcom to come to visit to see [baby] - just call first to check we are up for guests"

It might be "we're happy to bring baby and meet with you at [somewhere local to them, or half way between their home andyours].

It's also totally fine to say "We won't be able to bring baby to your house, because of the clutter and dirt,it wouldn't be safe"

They may get upset, but thatis their problem, not yours.

You are not even pregnant yet, so your husband can talk to them now, and let them know that if they want any future baby to be able to vist their home, they will ned to deal with the hoarding and clenliness issues now and then keep the place clean and safe. That gives them at least 9 mpnths to make changes, if they want to. If not, then when any child is born you are able to say to them "As we told you when we first told you were were hoping to stsart a famil, for us to bring baby to the house, the house needs to be clean, and tidy enough that it doesn't put any of us at risk. When that happens, we will be able to com and visit, ubntil then, you're welcome to see baby, at our home, or if we meet up in the park / for coffee / whatever"

The issue with regard to his dad and brothes isn't yours to solve. You and your husband can tell all ofthem what needs to happen for you or the baby to be able to vist their home, whether or how they achieve that is up to them.

But the key thing is that your husband needs to be able to commit to sticking to whatevrboundaries you and he decide are appropriate, and to prioritse you , as his wife, and any baby, over his parents.

It's a hard habit to break, if he is used to giving in to his parents, but it's fundemental if you and he are to have functional marriage.

I think you need to stop seeing this as a problem with your in-laws, and start to see it as a problem with your husband. If he is saying you are unreasonable in saying you don't want to spend time, or take a ababy to a house which has not ben cleaned in30 years and where you have actually ben injured due to the hoarding, then he is a hige part of the problem. I would suggest that you put any thoughts of trying to get pregnant on hold until you have addressed the issues in your relatinship with your husband.

(Even if your concerns about your in law's home were not totally reasonable, which based on what you desacribe, they are, the fact that his response is to dismiss them and call you unreasonable, instead of rying to work with you to reach an acceptable compromise, is a huge red flag)