Issues with in-laws?

UKTigerlily

I would tell them that if they want to have you visit with the baby, then they have to understand it needs to be a clean & safe environment, and it's their choice as to whether they clean up or not. At least that way it's on them, not you.

The Church issue, as neither of you are religious, seems simple . . . the child won't be going until old enough to decide for themselves

Your Husband definitely does need to work on saying no & boundaries, but as he is in Therapy hopefully he is working on this already

Rosieandjim

I would not even contemplate bringing a baby into this situation. Get both of yourselves empowered first.


What is the matter with parents who cannot accept their children are now adults and have their own lives to lead

halogen

Sea_Shell wrote: »

However, do/can you appreciate that your home would not be a safe environment for a baby or small child? OPs parents don't and that's the difference.

no. The house I grew up in was much worse than mine is.


I think the religion thing in this is a much bigger issue.

halogen

-taff wrote: »

Maybe the decluttering thread on the old style board would help you too...I read that for inspiration but I don't post on it.

I've ventured there occasionally but find it too horrific and run away.

DigForVictory

First of all, best wishes with your endeavours. I can vouch for the little dears being along on their schedule (or, if your in-laws prefer, in God's time) so enjoy the process and the relative tranquility.

That relative is because not only does having another person in the house make a heck of a diference to what might be laughingly referred to as your free time, but also your in laws sound a bit of a hazard & your darling husband is definitely not intending to rock the boat.

How old are the outlaws? Still decades in them, a bit tottery, or will be carehomed in the next 6 months?
How much time persuading husband that actually you'll need him on side over trivia like cloth nappies or not, general maternal guilt & outmanoeuvering his parents do you you think you'll need? As he may acquire a robust backbone once he has a baby to protect but if he doesn't see there's a problem, I might consider staying on a pill a little longer (which would mean I was expecting twins in days - the Fates have a really sideways sense of humour.)

There's a church locally? Excellent. Drop in a couple of times, get a feel for the place, is this somewhere you could stand going for an hour a week & would a baby be welcome? Plus are there any bonus features like access to a really good primary & or secondary plus a pool of reliable babysitting talent? (I'm looking for an upside For You here, not to keep the outlaws happy, or to annoy your husband.)

Two hours? Each way? To an unhygenic environment? And wildly unsympathic brothers in law? For an hour every three months maybe. Meeting on middle neutral ground, monthly, sure. Develop travel sickness. Beastly inconvenient, simply uncomfortable in the car for prolonged periods.

The skip was a nice (& possibly tactless) idea but until the outlaws want to change, it isn't going to happen. To be gruesomely fair, once jnr arrives, you will need that 60 minutes a day to drop to about 3. Life is short, little un needs to develop a robust immune system & anyway your parents will understand. Or should.

Your husband can hang onto the line of that's how they want to live. The quid pro quo is, if they want to see their grandchild it will be on grounds of your choosing & he had better back you up on that. As if he's under pressure now, it'll be worse every day of those 9 months & I might even be thinking carefully about registering the birth but making certain his name wasn't on the certificate. Which would pretty much scupper any chance of being reconciled to the outlaws & likely crash your marriage, but think on it a bit.

A christening is just a large family party with a few minutes religion - and if you agree with the local cleric that actually you'd rather have a blessing & let the child make an informed decision later (subject to still feeling welcome & getting the church benefits re education) so much the better. The cleric may feel a token gesture towards joining the family of christ etc is required for school, so do not start this chat until you have read up on the school policies, Ofsted etc. If husband is ferociously against The Lot, even unto reliable babysitters, then drop even the blessing idea although that's doing your family out of a knees-up they might enjoy.

If you feel a bit stressed now, without the pregnancy & mother hormones flooding the system, you will be ferocious defensive with babe in arms. So do the local church research, check up on meeting places midway & discuss the whole palaver with your husband. Who may yet be reasonable, or who may need the sight of his tiny fragile lifelong responsibility to wake & grasp the nettles.

You don't want to take the little one to be to their house - so don't.
You don't want to go to church 4 hours away - so don't.
Just have reasonable explanations & alternatives lined up.

It is possible you are a bit of a neat freak for whom cleanliness is right next to godliness & his folks can't cope with you much as you can't cope with them. Just your standards are going to have to dip a bit in the face of motherhood (and noone will blame you) whereas it sounds like theirs couldn't dip much further without raising mental health alarm bells. Either way, meeting on neutral ground really can only help! Garden centres, golf courses, stately homes - fresh air & open spaces with places to retreat to if the weather turns nasty & a reliable supply of tea & cakes. (Send husband to recce sites in advance?)

"It is perfectly reasonable to set boundaries." Absolutely. Just make sure husband will back you on them.

"Start to see it as a problem with your husband" - yes. In point of fact, I think quietly going back on the pill while these matters are sorted might be a good idea.

The outlaws are insisting on church & their place?! Blimey, the sooner another son can marry a docile girl & get her knocked up, the simpler your life will be. As frankly therapy can only do so much, running away to sea might be simpler.

Have any offers of disowning/shunning/striking his name from the family bible been made yet?

There are definitely issues. I'd start with wanting to help my husband out from under the family cosh and I might tell the outlaws that - "oh we're taking a break from that & just enjoying being together". Once you have a solid ally, then possibly 'taking seriously what was poked at you in fun' could return, but til then I myself wouldn't be taking any chances.

Mummy2cheekymonkeys

Do you and your husband drive to their church every Sunday now? Also what are your husbands attitudes to cleaning? Does he also think it is women's work? If you didn't do it would your house resemble your in laws?
They say they want to see the baby the same as your parents so you could always say to them that your parents always visit your house to see baby so they are expected to do the same. Personally I think they sound pretty horrid. You'll be surprised how much you will tolerate when your baby is born. I was always polite and bit my tongue with my in laws. I haven't spoken to them since my eldest was born due to arguments about my son.

rachel6188

Although me and the oh aren't married we do have 2 boys and have been together nearly 14 years.

My oh grandma etc was extremely religious but I have to say she never once pushed it on us and we have said if the boys wanted to be christened when they are old enough to make that choice they can.

My oh went to his mums house a few months ago and it was disgusting dirty (he can't believe her as she used to make their lives hell for leaving mess) and he took our youngest son to see her again and he said he will not be taking him again due to how bad it is and also she spoke to the 4 year old terribly and the oh told her straight she's out of order. (we don't go around to hers often due to the amount of things my 5 year old who is severely autistic could break) so she usually comes here.
My oh used to say nothing to her but since the first was born he will do what is right for his family and doesn't care who the other person is.

I hope you are OK hun. My inbox is always open. Xxx

onwards&upwards

rachel6188 wrote: »

My oh went to his mums house a few months ago and it was disgusting dirty (he can't believe her as she used to make their lives hell for leaving mess) and he took our youngest son to see her again and he said he will not be taking him again due to how bad it is and also she spoke to the 4 year old terribly and the oh told her straight she's out of order. (we don't go around to hers often due to the amount of things my 5 year old who is severely autistic could break) so she usually comes here.
My oh used to say nothing to her but since the first was born he will do what is right for his family and doesn't care who the other person is.

I hope you are OK hun. My inbox is always open. Xxx

Someone who used to be really clean but is suddenly living in filth is a bit worrying actually, might be a sign of illness.

Blackpool_Saver

The problem is with your husband, not the outlaws......YOUR house YOUR rules, YOUR kid, YOUR rules. You need to present a united front, if he won't do that your problems are much bigger than the outlaws

Pollycat

The OP last logged on 2 hours after making the initial post.
On 15th July.
I think if they had anything further to say they would have posted before now.
It's a dead thread.