The Garden Fence - proper Old Style support and chat!

monnagran · 5 December 2017 at 10:09PM

VJsmum, It's horrible that these things happen just before Christmas. Well, it's horrible at any time but much harder to deal with when everything around you is festive and everyone else is, or is pretending to be, happy and jolly. Not only that, but it taints all the Christmases to come. There is a certain poignancy about facing the loss of a parent, no matter what your age. Especially so if it has been a good relationship.
Don't worry about venting, that's what we are here for.

MMF007 · 5 December 2017 at 10:14PM

VJsMum, so sorry to hear that about your dad, what a shock for everyone ((((0))))

My dad spent the entire morning being very vociferous about his situation and how cross he is that he has not died yet and why can't they just give him a needle and have done with it. You can imagine how this left my mum feeling. He has not asked once how mum is coping (she's 78 and she has incurable cancer herself), whether she is OK, or thanked her for any of the million caring things she has done while being at his bedside for 2 weeks (and in all the years previously). I am heartbroken for mum that even now he can't just say thank you, just once, when she attends to his every whim.
I hope tomorrow finds him much calmer for his sake and for mum's.

greenbee · 5 December 2017 at 10:21PM

MMF - you just need to remember that this is his coping mechanism (and remind your mum of that too). But it might be worth having a chat with him - maybe talk to him about how much he has meant to you and what he has done for you and then remind him that now is his time to say his goodbyes while he can and talk to his family about what they have meant to him... and if necessary point out to him that he needs to let your mum know she is appreciated and leave her with positive memories.

I overhead my dad's last conversation with my mum, and it was lovely. He knew it would probably be the last (although she and I were probably both still in denial) so made the effort to make sure it was a good one. We spent his last few days making sure he knew how much he was appreciated as people often start to question what they have achieved in life when they are getting to the end.

VJsmum · 5 December 2017 at 10:23PM

monnagran wrote: »

VJsmum, It's horrible that these things happen just before Christmas. Well, it's horrible at any time but much harder to deal with when everything around you is festive and everyone else is, or is pretending to be, happy and jolly. Not only that, but it taints all the Christmases to come. There is a certain poignancy about facing the loss of a parent, no matter what your age. Especially so if it has been a good relationship.
Don't worry about venting, that's what we are here for.

It was 8 years ago tomorrow that my mum died...:(

I was concerned because "a bit of a bad knee" has escalated so quickly and they've kind of jumped to this diagnosis because "it's unlikely to be anything else". But, I know you shouldn't Google , but I have and I can kind of see where they're coming from but I am going to try to push for more tests...

Thanks all. MMF so sorry...

Floss · 5 December 2017 at 11:12PM

I know from experience thru both parents that they don't always state the extent of any discomfort, because of differing pain thresholds and / or to shield loved ones from the knowledge that they are uncomfortable, particularly in front of children.

MMF your thoughts of reinforcing your (and others) love to your dad are inspired xx

VJsmum talk with your dad's doctors about confirming thrir thoughts - it may be easier on your dad to have scans / a less invasive way to reach a prognosis.

MMF007 · 5 December 2017 at 11:22PM

greenbee wrote: »

MMF - you just need to remember that this is his coping mechanism (and remind your mum of that too). But it might be worth having a chat with him - maybe talk to him about how much he has meant to you and what he has done for you and then remind him that now is his time to say his goodbyes while he can and talk to his family about what they have meant to him... and if necessary point out to him that he needs to let your mum know she is appreciated and leave her with positive memories.

I overhead my dad's last conversation with my mum, and it was lovely. He knew it would probably be the last (although she and I were probably both still in denial) so made the effort to make sure it was a good one. We spent his last few days making sure he knew how much he was appreciated as people often start to question what they have achieved in life when they are getting to the end.

You are right and I know he is trying to cope with a horrendous situation. I have suggested he thanks mum for everything she has always done for him but i think he sees that as a sign of weakness (admitting that he has been looked after!) and as my brother said, it is not his way.
My brother and I have both spent ages reminiscing with dad about funny memories of times we've all had together and have said our thank you for everything he has done for us over the years.
I shall visit him tomorrow and carry on being patient and trying my level best to make his final days as comfy as possible. I have to accept that he is not going to change now and that i have to be strong for my mum's sake. Yes, i do feel guilty for moaning when it's he who is dying, but I am so worried about mum.

MMF007 · 5 December 2017 at 11:28PM

Floss wrote: »

I know from experience thru both parents that they don't always state the extent of any discomfort, because of differing pain thresholds and / or to shield loved ones from the knowledge that they are uncomfortable, particularly in front of children.

MMF your thoughts of reinforcing your (and others) love to your dad are inspired xx

VJsmum talk with your dad's doctors about confirming thrir thoughts - it may be easier on your dad to have scans / a less invasive way to reach a prognosis.

I think the inspiration about reinforcing the love was from greenbee, not me. I'm having a bad day and have just whinged, even though others are in a far worse position than me. I do apologise. It is self-pity and I will get over it.

Floss · 5 December 2017 at 11:43PM

MMF rant away and VJsmum too. It is a really challenging time that you are both going through and there is aleays an impartial place for your wirds & thoughts here xxx

shanks77 · 6 December 2017 at 5:39AM

Sending hugs to MMF and VJMum xx

monnagran · 6 December 2017 at 5:51AM

MMF and VJsmum I woke up early today thinking about you both.

Just had a long post disappear on me. Inspiration has now flown so I'll leave you with a thought and then get on with the business of feeding the 5,000.

THOUGHT FOR TODAY

I've just got home and found all the windows and doors open, and everything has gone.
Now what kind of sick, twisted person does that to someone's Advent Calendar?

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The Garden Fence - proper Old Style support and chat!

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