MMD: Should I leave money to my gambling son in my will?

tain · 4 April 2018 at 9:42AM

m1kjm wrote: »

We're used to these so-called dilemmas being bad but this has to be the worst one yet:

Should I enable someone's addiction?

Umm, no.

What's bad is having to read this drivel on every single dilemma. This is actually a fantastic, complex dilemma. I find it flabbergasting that some people have so very little to do with their time that this is the highlight of their morning.

tain · 4 April 2018 at 9:45AM

Have you spoken frankly with your son about this? It's really easy to gamble away your own money, but if you've discussed that he's only to spend your money on something valuable to him, then he may take a level of responsibility for that, especially as you will have died.

Bellisima · 4 April 2018 at 10:02AM

I assume most of the inheritance will come from inheriting your house? In this case it cannot be given now, obviously. I think to treat a one child differently to the others (if there are any) will cause a family break up. I know of a family where one child was left more and it caused the family to fall out and fall apart. Is gambling the money any worse than spending it all on holidays abroad? Who are we to judge. Leave the money equally to all the children. You!will be dead so It will not be your problem.

AaronAAaronson · 4 April 2018 at 10:09AM

I think the possible mental health aspects should at least be considered. It is easy to point the finger and say “gambler” as a fixed label, but in most cases I think gambling (and addictions in general) stems from some kind of unhappiness or unsatifaction with life. Often complex emotional problems.

While I appreciate your Son may not be receptive to help, it sounds like he has admitted he has a problem. I think the greatest investment you could make with any money you can spare (in the now) would be to get your son a series of counselling or therapy sessions.

If you can help him to address whatever is driving the gambling then you could give him the gift of a happier more fulfilling life – what parent could want more?
Perhaps even provide the funds so he can afford to take time off work and take time for self-reflection and improvement with the guidance of a professional.
Even if he manages to beat the gambling addition (without help) something else, like a work, drink or consumeristic addition may just fill the gap - which will probably impact any grandchildren.

scotscanny · 4 April 2018 at 10:12AM

I had the same problem as I inherited a large sum. I gifted it by variation of Will and my 3 adult children each received £100,000. My elder son had a gambling addiction and his share bought a house via a Trust set up especially. It was the best thing because several years later he was made bankrupt and the house would have been lost. At least his wife and children were secure. It is not a happy situation to be in and can seem unfair to treat him differently but the reality of addiction (and gambling is the worst because there are no visible physical signs) means the head must rule the heart.

maisie_cat · 4 April 2018 at 10:14AM

silvercar wrote: »

You never know how the future will pan out when you are not around.

Leave everything equally to all your children and let them take responsibility for their own actions.

Agreed, treating offspring differently is never good

DigForVictory · 4 April 2018 at 10:24AM

maisie_cat wrote: »

Agreed, treating offspring differently is never good

Yet sometimes, unfairness is the fairer call. My parents gave my sister her house (when we had mortgage help) as she had severe mental health issues & wasn't going to follow the usual paths - if she survived to make 50. We'd no quarrel with that, then nor now. She's better, she's alive & largely managing.

It isn't fair but we're all on board with the hows & whys.
Not sure what choices OP has, but it sounds a lumpy bed no matter which way he rolls.

happyinflorida · 4 April 2018 at 10:30AM

Are you doing this through a solicitor's or is someone in the family or a friend being executor?

If it's a solicitor's they could, if you stipulate this in your will, give your son some money every year, or however often you decide - so he doesn't get a lump sum that he may gamble away.

Has your son sought help for his addiction? Some people benefit from hynotherapy - so maybe stipulate that he's got to go and see a hypnotherapist first - paid for by money in your will, and afterwards he can have a lump sum a year later maybe.

If your son wants help, he could do this now of course!

You could just pay off his gambline debts in your will and then leave money for a later time in life.

All is possible, it's your choice. I think it would be a shame to leave him nothing as he is your son.

I hope he sorts his addiction out and soon. This is quite a problem for some people and he's not alone - at least it's just £2,000 - I've known some with far higher amounts £10,000 and £35,000 - so hopefully he's going to sort it out and he's been honest with you in telling you about this, which is a good sign IMO.

archie1411 · 4 April 2018 at 10:49AM

Don't differentiate - give them all the same. If he fritters it away gambling (and why would that be different to eg buying a flash car) then that is up to him
"Responsibility for your actions" is what they need to learn!

lilmisstrouble · 4 April 2018 at 11:02AM

Put it in a trust and specify what it can be used for ie not gambling debts

MMD: Should I leave money to my gambling son in my will?

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