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Levels of support in a relationship
Comments
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I don't think your boyfriend has done anything wrong.
Some people are pretty much black and white about life (your boyfriend) and other people are more intuitive/feeling (you). Just different personality types.
He did offer to cancel his plans, and when you said no he would surely have taken that as you were 'ok'. What you are expecting him to do is read your mind or just know that you needed something from him more.
With people who are more black and white, you have to be direct and clear to get the best out of them.
As another poster has already pointed out, I agree with them that maybe your boyfriend is not the right person to lean on over the loss of your husband. Perhaps your boyfriend finds the fact you still have such a bad day as long as 8 years after his passing, difficult? And hence why he wanted to go out. (I don't mean to be heartless when I say this, I do realise grief doesn't have a set time).
Let this go, say sorry for the passive aggressive text and perhaps lean on friends or family for those difficult moments remembering your late husband.0 -
He is not a mind reader and you said no to cancel!
I'm not surprised at his reaction to your text.0 -
Sounds as if your boyfriend has been supportive over the years, so I wouldn't dwell on this and would let it go. Agree with others, perhaps it wasn't the best thing to do in texting him.
Of course it's a very sad and special day for you and I would suggest maybe chatting with a close friend and sharing your emotions with them.0 -
Maybe his ex was on to something, you’re only getting his side remember.0
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Awww no OP, you poor thing
It is a very sad day for you
In my opinion, I think you need to clearly communicate your needs and expectations to your other half
There is no shame in asking for support at all, when we are in need..
None of us are mind readers and like others have said, if you don't say, how is he to know
Take care xThe opposite of what you know...is also true0 -
My dad died a few years ago, and this weekend is really hard for me as everyone takes different anniversaries differently. I'm Irish, it's St Patricks Day, I can't have a hug off from the most huge, warm, loveable arms. Last year, I think I pretty much locked myself away. My husband would say did I want anything and I'd say no. He then left me alone. Because that was what i wanted. I wanted to be sad, I wanted to mope, I wanted to wallow in self pity because i didn't have my Dad. And I did. I woke up the next day, dusted myself down and got on with a new day. It was like the last 24 hours hadn't happened.
Had I wanted company I'd have said yes and he would have been there. I think you are being particularly harsh on him, but I think your other feelings are causing this.
Had you said yes to his OFFER to cancel, you don't know he would have resented it, you are playing out a situation in your head that didn't happen. If he did - then you'd be in the right to feel annoyed, after all he offered. But that wasn't the scenario you took.
text him, call him, say yesterday was a horrid day for you, you appreciate the thought and are sorry for texting what you did and move on. Because being sad for 24 hours is fine, but don't bring the past into the present.
Excellent, wise post. :TMember #14 of SKI-ers club
Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.
(Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)0 -
Its a very difficult day for both of you, you spending all your time thinking about an Ex, him having nothing he can do.
I am with a Widow too and I know how your other half feels. I think your sarcastic message was out of order.0 -
I think what you wanted was for him to simply cancel. Not to ask if he should, but just to do it. He asked, and you said no - because by asking he was missing the point.
It's very hard for you. I wonder if, going forward, you could make a little tradition, something you do on his birthday, that's just for you. Watch a movie you both enjoyed, or visit a place you both liked, just you.No longer a spouse, or trailing, but MSE won't allow me to change my username...0 -
But the OP was expecting her partner to read her mind.trailingspouse wrote: »I think what you wanted was for him to simply cancel. Not to ask if he should, but just to do it. He asked, and you said no - because by asking he was missing the point.
It's very hard for you. I wonder if, going forward, you could make a little tradition, something you do on his birthday, that's just for you. Watch a movie you both enjoyed, or visit a place you both liked, just you.
It was only 'the point' for the OP.
I think it's very hard for the OP's partner too.0 -
He is not going to feel the same about that day as you are, and because you told him not to cancel going out, he assumed you were OK.
Him offering to cancel WAS his way of showing support.
The text you sent was not nice, you need to apologise for that.. And when you do so, explain that it was because you were feeling down (not that that excuses it), and you just wanted a hug or whatever.
Next time TELL him what you need, he is not a mindreader.(AKA HRH_MUngo)
Member #10 of £2 savers club
Imagine someone holding forth on biology whose only knowledge of the subject is the Book of British Birds, and you have a rough idea of what it feels like to read Richard Dawkins on theology: Terry Eagleton0
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