Levels of support in a relationship

beckysbobbles1

Hi all,


I'm just wondering what levels of support people give/receive in their relationships?


Unfortunately the word 'support' seems to be a trigger word for my boyfriend. His ex used to always say he never supported her however he did an awful lot. He worked full time, did all the cooking, looked after the kids and all the usual domestic duties however this still wasn't enough for her (she had some mental health issues).


However, this isn't about her this is about us and what is a healthy level of support in our relationship.


Yesterday was a difficult day for me. I lost my husband nearly 8 years ago and yesterday would have been his birthday. It's always a tough day for me and it would have been nice to have had some comfort from my boyfriend.


He is usually very good and understanding about my past however yesterday he barely contacted me and was out after work (he did offer to cancel but I didn't want him to miss out as he rarely goes out).


I tried to explain to him all I needed was a call or a nice message before he went out however because I messaged him late last night saying "Thanks for all your support today" I've then received a message this morning from him saying he doesn't appreciate a snooty message from me when he's out!


I feel like I must be talking another language or something as it seems so clear to me that he should have made some effort to see if I was ok - am I being unreasonable? I know if offered not to go out but I also know that he rarely goes out so it would've been unfair to ask him to cancel.


I don't really know how to proceed with this. It's really shocked me as usually he's so supportive and he said he understands my past so I don't think he feels threated by this. I think it genuinely didn't enter his mind that I would be this upset but now it's difficult to move forward as he can't see that he's done anything wrong.

AylesburyDuck

TBF, he did offer to cancel. if you thought you needed the support you should have said yes.
In his mind, you turned down the offer so thought you'd be ok, in which case then yes the text would have come across as snooty.
Next time just say yes, you'd like the support.

beckysbobbles1

AylesburyDuck wrote: »

TBF, he did offer to cancel. if you thought you needed the support you should have said yes.
In his mind, you turned down the offer so thought you'd be ok, in which case then yes the text would have come across as snooty.
Next time just say yes, you'd like the support.

Thanks for the reply. The issue is, if I had yes to him cancelling then I think he would have resented me for it. I didn't need him with me, I just needed him to show me that he was there if I needed to talk.

Comms69

beckysbobbles1 wrote: »

Hi all,


I'm just wondering what levels of support people give/receive in their relationships?


Unfortunately the word 'support' seems to be a trigger word for my boyfriend. His ex used to always say he never supported her however he did an awful lot. He worked full time, did all the cooking, looked after the kids and all the usual domestic duties however this still wasn't enough for her (she had some mental health issues).


However, this isn't about her this is about us and what is a healthy level of support in our relationship.


Yesterday was a difficult day for me. I lost my husband nearly 8 years ago and yesterday would have been his birthday. It's always a tough day for me and it would have been nice to have had some comfort from my boyfriend.


He is usually very good and understanding about my past however yesterday he barely contacted me and was out after work (he did offer to cancel but I didn't want him to miss out as he rarely goes out).


It's an important day for you; not for him. Your thoughts are on a past relationship - which is fine - but you cant expect your current partner to have any link to that.


I tried to explain to him all I needed was a call or a nice message before he went out however because I messaged him late last night saying "Thanks for all your support today" I've then received a message this morning from him saying he doesn't appreciate a snooty message from me when he's out!



I'm inclined to agree, that is a passive-aggressive message to send. You could've said something along the lines of, "could do with hearing your voice, I'm a bit down" (or similar). Instead you made him responsible for your feelings.

I feel like I must be talking another language or something as it seems so clear to me that he should have made some effort to see if I was ok - am I being unreasonable? I know if offered not to go out but I also know that he rarely goes out so it would've been unfair to ask him to cancel.



You're sending very mixed signals, no wonder he's annoyed.

I don't really know how to proceed with this. It's really shocked me as usually he's so supportive and he said he understands my past so I don't think he feels threated by this. I think it genuinely didn't enter his mind that I would be this upset but now it's difficult to move forward as he can't see that he's done anything wrong.

Can you see what you've done wrong?...

Comms69

beckysbobbles1 wrote: »

Thanks for the reply. The issue is, if I had yes to him cancelling then I think he would have resented me for it. I didn't need him with me, I just needed him to show me that he was there if I needed to talk.

So you want him to be at your beck and call; not able to relax - in case you called and interrupted his evening?!...


Wow, what a piece of work

SuperPikachu

Absolutely tell him you want support next time - my girlfriend *has done this at times (in the past) and it is literally infuriating.

Pollycat

beckysbobbles1 wrote: »

Hi all,


I'm just wondering what levels of support people give/receive in their relationships?


Unfortunately the word 'support' seems to be a trigger word for my boyfriend. His ex used to always say he never supported her however he did an awful lot. He worked full time, did all the cooking, looked after the kids and all the usual domestic duties however this still wasn't enough for her (she had some mental health issues).


However, this isn't about her this is about us and what is a healthy level of support in our relationship.


Yesterday was a difficult day for me. I lost my husband nearly 8 years ago and yesterday would have been his birthday. It's always a tough day for me and it would have been nice to have had some comfort from my boyfriend.


He is usually very good and understanding about my past however yesterday he barely contacted me and was out after work (he did offer to cancel but I didn't want him to miss out as he rarely goes out).


I tried to explain to him all I needed was a call or a nice message before he went out however because I messaged him late last night saying "Thanks for all your support today" I've then received a message this morning from him saying he doesn't appreciate a snooty message from me when he's out!


I feel like I must be talking another language or something as it seems so clear to me that he should have made some effort to see if I was ok - am I being unreasonable? I know if offered not to go out but I also know that he rarely goes out so it would've been unfair to ask him to cancel.


I don't really know how to proceed with this. It's really shocked me as usually he's so supportive and he said he understands my past so I don't think he feels threated by this. I think it genuinely didn't enter his mind that I would be this upset but now it's difficult to move forward as he can't see that he's done anything wrong.

Well, you're not talking my language.
He offered to cancel, you told him not to.
What do you honestly expect the guy to do?
I do think you're being unreasonable.

Your text was sarcastic, I'm not surprised that he didn't like it.
I don't think he's done anything wrong either.

If it were me I'd be offering an olive branch for not being clear about my expectations of him on what is an important day for you.

AylesburyDuck

beckysbobbles1 wrote: »

Thanks for the reply. The issue is, if I had yes to him cancelling then I think he would have resented me for it. I didn't need him with me, I just needed him to show me that he was there if I needed to talk.

Trust me on this (35 years of marriage), if a man offers to cancel and be with you, just take it at face value. Because you reacted the way you did, unfortunately you have just come across as high maintenance. How did he know you just " I didn't need him with me, I just needed him to show me that he was there if I needed to talk." unless you directly said that to him then i'm afraid he probably didnt have his crystal ball with him.
Sorry, i know its not want you want to hear.

Missyajt

Oh hun, you are speaking my language.... I came out of a really bud relationship completely battered (emotionally and physically). My partner I have now been with for almost 8 years has been fantastic, first few years were hard as I didn’t fully trust anyone. It all came down to clear lines of communication, we could talk and I could be brutally honest, I would tell him ‘I need you to be home by x o’clock for x reason’ and he understood that if he wanted the relationship to work he had to build that trust. He was completely infuriated at times by my crazy behaviour and demands but he persevered and 8 years later we trust each other completely and we both can do whatever we want whenever we want and not fear that somethings up, i hope you two can start some construction communication and get things back on track

-taff

Well to be honest, it's a difficult day for him too. You're spending the day feeling down about losing your husband while you expect support from your current boyfriend who has to contend with you're feelings about something he can't change and he can't live up to.
Then you send a snotty message to him.
I don't blame him for being annoyed, I would be too.
Maybe your idea of support needs a bit of tweaking. Or you should have looked for some support from friends instead of him in this instance.

anna_1977

Maybe he thought you needed to be on your own with your memories rather than have him around.

I'm totally inclined to agree with others that he did offer and you refused. I'd be thoroughly p***ed off if I'd had a crappy text when I was out.

Cut him some slack. I'm sure you're reading far more into it than necessary.