Levels of support in a relationship

Pollycat

Missyajt wrote: »

Oh hun, you are speaking my language.... I came out of a really bud relationship completely battered (emotionally and physically). My partner I have now been with for almost 8 years has been fantastic, first few years were hard as I didn’t fully trust anyone. It all came down to clear lines of communication, we could talk and I could be brutally honest, I would tell him ‘I need you to be home by x o’clock for x reason’ and he understood that if he wanted the relationship to work he had to build that trust. He was completely infuriated at times by my crazy behaviour and demands but he persevered and 8 years later we trust each other completely and we both can do whatever we want whenever we want and not fear that somethings up, i hope you two can start some construction communication and get things back on track

And that's where the OP went wrong.
She didn't clearly communicate her expectations and when her boyfriend failed to read her mind, she resorted to sarcasm.

MothballsWallet

You've also got to consider that a text message is comprised of just that: text - even if you put smileys/emojis in.

Text, especially in SMS or on forum posts, tends to be seen as "dry", without any emotion, even when you are putting emotion into it.

I agree with Aylesbury Duck - your best option is to be clear what you want or are asking, people (generally) can't read minds.

Speaking for myself, I'm naff at reading body language and facial expressions as well.

-taff

MothballsWallet wrote: »

Speaking for myself, I'm naff at reading body language and facial expressions as well.

You're in Gibbs mode

jackieblack

Pollycat wrote: »

She didn't clearly communicate her expectations and when her boyfriend failed to read her mind, she resorted to sarcasm.

Exactly this ^^^ 100% :wall:

onomatopoeia99

beckysbobbles1 wrote: »

I didn't need him with me, I just needed him to show me that he was there if I needed to talk.

Did you explain what you needed before he went out?

Your text message was misjudged, you shouldn't have sent it.

Alikay

I think the word "support" is massively overused these days. When in a relationship with someone, it's normal to share jobs, take up the slack if the other one is busy, be nice to each other and sometimes make allowances for each other if one of them has got a lot going on emotionally or practically.

I don't think support to get through a anniversary of losing previous partner should necessarily come from present partner: Maybe OP should've sought that kind of help from someone else...perhaps somebody who knew her late husband. And sarky texts at bedtime is never a good idea.

MothballsWallet

-taff wrote: »

You're in Gibbs mode

Well, I am starting to look like him in real life (just with a pair of glasses and messier hair).

Plus, I'm always in Gibbs mode

thorsoak

beckysbobbles1 wrote: »

Thanks for the reply. The issue is, if I had yes to him cancelling then I think he would have resented me for it. I didn't need him with me, I just needed him to show me that he was there if I needed to talk.

Then don't tell us - tell him!

74jax

My dad died a few years ago, and this weekend is really hard for me as everyone takes different anniversaries differently. I'm Irish, it's St Patricks Day, I can't have a hug off from the most huge, warm, loveable arms. Last year, I think I pretty much locked myself away. My husband would say did I want anything and I'd say no. He then left me alone. Because that was what i wanted. I wanted to be sad, I wanted to mope, I wanted to wallow in self pity because i didn't have my Dad. And I did. I woke up the next day, dusted myself down and got on with a new day. It was like the last 24 hours hadn't happened.


Had I wanted company I'd have said yes and he would have been there. I think you are being particularly harsh on him, but I think your other feelings are causing this.


Had you said yes to his OFFER to cancel, you don't know he would have resented it, you are playing out a situation in your head that didn't happen. If he did - then you'd be in the right to feel annoyed, after all he offered. But that wasn't the scenario you took.


text him, call him, say yesterday was a horrid day for you, you appreciate the thought and are sorry for texting what you did and move on. Because being sad for 24 hours is fine, but don't bring the past into the present.

MysteryMe

Remember the happy times with your late husband on his birthday. Have a laugh, have a cry but don't wallow in self pity.