DS violent when staying with non resident mother

Person_one · 8 July 2014 at 11:29AM

lincsdan86 wrote: »

I think suggesting that would go down like a lead balloon, but it might have to be an option as there is no formal contact arrangement it is just what has been agreed in the past.

Stopping him from seeing his mum isn't an option. Get it out of your head now and start thinking of better ways. It doesn't matter how formal or informal the agreement is, it would not be fair on your son to deny him his other parent just because you don't think they're doing a perfect job. Imagine that being done to you, would you be on board with it and think it was best for your son?

This sort of behaviour is not uncommon with a new sibling, the reason you aren't seeing it is because there's no new baby with you!

Are you and your ex civil enough with each other that you can sit down together like grown ups and come up with a plan to help your son cope better with this huge life changing event he's gone through?

tea_lover · 8 July 2014 at 11:33AM

Person_one wrote: »

This sort of behaviour is not uncommon with a new sibling, the reason you aren't seeing it is because there's no new baby with you!

Just what I was going to post. A lot of children react this way to a new baby in the house. My sister used to hit me, put me outside and offered me to anyone who came to the house.

Don't disrupt his routine anymore, poor thing probably already has no idea whether he's coming or going.

krustylouise · 8 July 2014 at 11:34AM

lincsdan86 wrote: »

DS told us that he made the wrong decision and had hurt his mother

If DS told you he'd done this and admitted he made the wrong decision has this been a one time thing and you're just reading far too much in to this?

Kids are kids and they can't always be perfect 100% of the time!

Also if DS is with his Mum over every weekend, that is when he isn't tired from school and when he hasn't got routine and structure {like he would on a normal school day when you have him} perhaps he is bored?

FBaby · 8 July 2014 at 11:34AM

Without being stricter just having different expectations might be enough to trigger outbursts in frustration. Maybe you give him more time to for in with a task whereas when she asks him to do something she wants it done now. I really think it is an issue for her to deal with not you especially if you are going to jump to serious conclusions without really knowing the reasons for his behaviour.

lincsdan86 · 8 July 2014 at 11:36AM

This is not the first instance of it happening, both the last two visits he has acted violently and a couple before then as well.

krustylouise · 8 July 2014 at 11:42AM

lincsdan86 wrote: »

This is not the first instance of it happening, both the last two visits he has acted violently and a couple before then as well.

He's 5. I really do think you need to give it a little longer. Maybe he is telling you to get a reaction out of you?

quidsy · 8 July 2014 at 11:45AM

He has a new sibling, splits his time between 2 houses, both of them strange new houses, is soon to move schools, is dealing with your very short but seeminly very serious relationship (9mths & you are living together already) & you are wondering why he might be lashing out. Just becuase he doesn't do it at your house doesn't mean the NRP is doing something wrong.

Maybe he just dfeels more able to lash out there, maybe he fears you more than he fears the NRP, maybe he is stretching his boundaries there becuase the NRP feels less able to willing to discipline him too much.

But as he was able to admit, articulate & feel sorry for the lashing out, I think the NRP probably dealt with it just fine.

Stop looking at ways to blame, just monitor it & speak with the NRP & find a way for you both (and your new bf/gf's) to agree on strategy if & when this kind of bad behaviour occurs.

burnsguitarman · 8 July 2014 at 11:48AM

Maybe alternating weekends would be an option? Can he not stay longer with his mum at times? Does she have an active role in his upbringing or is she just performing her duties if you see what I mean?

Alikay · 8 July 2014 at 11:51AM

It is possible that your son feels angry at his mum for not living with him, and feels she has "replaced" him with his younger half-brother, and probably is furious with the half-brother for having his mummy 24/7! I imagine your ex must be doing her best to reassure him that she loves him just as much, and you could back that up too by making sure he knows mummy is thinking of him while they are apart and how much she loves having him to stay.

Mid-week phone calls from mum may help (not too near bedtime as it may unsettle him) and he's big enough now to read a short email or text so he knows mummy is thinking of him. Maybe his mum could also help by getting the little brother to say a quick hello to him on the phone, buy him the odd little gift or draw him a picture.

balletshoes · 8 July 2014 at 12:09PM

lincsdan86 wrote: »

No she has not asked for help in dealing with his behaviour, but as far as I am concerned repeated outburst of violence isn't something that I am going to ignore either, I want to get to the root of the problem. He is never like this when he is at home.

Its up to his mum to deal with it - its happening on his access visits with her, she is his parent too. Its not unusual, because of different households having different set-ups, that your child will act differently in each one, especially at such a young age. Its up to his mum, as she's the one who is seeing this, to deal with it when he's with her.

DS violent when staying with non resident mother

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