DS violent when staying with non resident mother

Errata

So much upheaval in such a young child's life, and the latest upheaval is that he now has to sleep in his half siblings bedroom which possibly makes him feel like a 'guest' in the house.

duchy

Pretty much agree with everything above. He's only five. Both of you have new partners, both have new homes and now having just settled into school you are moving him again.

He probably is jealous of his brother yet another person to have to share a parent with. Give him time and give his Mum support . Instead of threatening to stop her access talk to her about how you can help. Maybe back her up with a joint reward when he is good with his brother. The better you two can communicate and support each other the better. One day it'll be you struggling ..far better to have ally in the other home than the other adult undermining you.

Pricivius

Apologies for being pedantic/technical, but just to clarify your son has a half-brother, not a step-brother. As they share the same mother, they are blood relatives. I am probably reading far too much into this, but is it possible that you have been at all negative about your son's mum? Or about her new partner or his new half-brother? They are his family just as much as you and your new partner. Have you asked him about his new half-brother, or his new house, showing an interest in his life away from you?

As some have suggested, it could be as simple as sibling jealousy, or it could be much more. But whatever it is, teamwork and communication will be vital. Everyone needs to work together if the next 15 years/lifetime are not going to be intolerable and painful for all concerned.

lincsdan86

Pricivius wrote: »

Apologies for being pedantic/technical, but just to clarify your son has a half-brother, not a step-brother. As they share the same mother, they are blood relatives. I am probably reading far too much into this, but is it possible that you have been at all negative about your son's mum? Or about her new partner or his new half-brother? They are his family just as much as you and your new partner. Have you asked him about his new half-brother, or his new house, showing an interest in his life away from you?

As some have suggested, it could be as simple as sibling jealousy, or it could be much more. But whatever it is, teamwork and communication will be vital. Everyone needs to work together if the next 15 years/lifetime are not going to be intolerable and painful for all concerned.

Sorry I get my terms mixed up he has a half brother and step sister (mothers partners). The first thing we ask when he comes back from his mothers is what did he get up to, did he have fun etc so we try to encourage him to talk about everything and show an interest in his life away.

whitewing

Would it suit him better to go Thurs or Fri after school and come home on Saturday evening? Then he starts the week with you and maybe Sunday is unwind/calmer time.

mcja

lincsdan86 wrote: »

DS told us that he made the wrong decision and had hurt his mother

Oh poor little tinker. Is he ok at school? That sounds like school speak to me. He sounds like he's a right pickle at the moment and doesn't know how to deal with all the emotions he is battling.

lincsdan86

whitewing wrote: »

Would it suit him better to go Thurs or Fri after school and come home on Saturday evening? Then he starts the week with you and maybe Sunday is unwind/calmer time.

Unfortunately his mother doesn't want him after school as she "didn't get enough time with him".


The arrangement used to be Thursday/Friday night one week and Saturday/Sunday Night the next.

sacha28

Poor little man, what an awful lot of changes in a very short period of time. All the moving, coupled with a new half-brother must be very unsettling for him.

My OH has a 5yo dd who has similar behaviour but the other way round, she behaves like an angel at ours but quite regularly 'loses the plot' at her mum's house. The amount of times he has phoned to speak to her (he phones twice a week) and his ex has had to tell him to phone back as she is shouting, screaming and throwing things in the background is unbelievable!! More often than not he is told that it is something tiny that has set her off but she is so far away that he will never really know the truth.

We had an incident when our ds was born that was a shocker tho.....whilst feeding him she came up and said 'I'm going to smack my brother in the face'. To say we were shocked is an understatement and after her being removed from the room and an hour of hysterical crying she finally said 'I didn't want a brother as my other brother X is better than me' We took this to mean (without voicing it to her) that, as her mum longed for a son after having 3 girls, he was seen as the golden child. When she isn't having a tantrum her and our son speak on the phone, they are now very close.

I guess what I'm waffling is that there is ALWAYS a reason why kids behave, they don't have the understanding to be able to explain what emotions are happening and why. I don't recall reading that you have actually ASKED your son if something is bothering him (dd has voiced on more than one occasion that she doesn't want to live so far away and asked in May if OH could tell her mum she wasn't going back :eek: she was uprooted from all family and friends in the middle of the night and didn't get to say goodbye to anyone at the time)

Try asking him what makes him angry, he may just surprise you with an answer!!

lincsdan86

We often try to have conversations with him whilst doing other activities, whilst at the park I will speak to him, whilst horse riding my partner will speak to him or when just playing with some lego, more often then not if we try to steer the conversation towards what happens at mummys he doesn't respond and/or changes the conversation.

shegirl

lincsdan86 wrote: »

We often try to have conversations with him whilst doing other activities, whilst at the park I will speak to him, whilst horse riding my partner will speak to him or when just playing with some lego, more often then not if we try to steer the conversation towards what happens at mummys he doesn't respond and/or changes the conversation.

Could he be fed up with you asking?You do come across as you have issues with his mum and you are asking a bunch of strangers rather than her.

His statement to you doesn't tell you much.Have you asked his mum what happened?

You seem 'shut down',short and firm on here.Perhaps that is showing in real life to your son too?