DS violent when staying with non resident mother

lincsdan86

Hi all,

This is my first post on this forum so please bear with me, will give you a little bit of background before we come to the issue.

I have a DS who is 5 1/2, he has lived with me for the last 3 1/2 years as it was decided that I was the "best" parent to look after him when me and his mother split (her words not mine).

Life goes on and all that, his mother is in a relationship and has had another child and moved a number of times. I am in a new relationship and in Feb we moved to our new family home but kept DS in the same school as was close to work. I have a new job so in September DS will be moving to a new school which we have discussed and he thinks its a two thumbs up positive thing (something that my partner does with him)

Anyway, there have been a number of occasion that when DS is staying with his mother he get violent and hits out at her and throws things at their new child and her new partner. Saying that he hates her and does not want to be there. Apart from these outburst she says he is normally fine. She has recently moved to a new house and I believe he is now sharing a room with his younger step brother.

In the entire time that I have been with my new partner, 9+ months, with moving house etc he has never been violent towards any member of our house.

We are getting a little concerned as to why he is acting out in this way when he visits his mothers, should we consider stopping the visits for a while (which wont go down very well) or just monitor the situation?

Thanks for reading through the ramble and any help/advice would be gratefully received, we want DS to be as happy as possible.

Person_one

They aren't 'visits', they're his contact with his other parent, so no you can't stop him having that due to a bit of a behaviour issue.

The little guy has had a lot of change in a very short space of time. Parents split, both parents move house, both parents add new partners to the mix, a new sibling arrives at one house and now a change of school when he' only just settled into his first one. Its a heck of a lot in 3.5 years no matter how well the adults handle it!

Has your ex asked you for help in dealing with his behaviour while he's having contact with her?

krustylouise

Your little one sounds very jealous, which is entirely understandable, he has had a lot going on in his short years, parents splitting up, both parents moving on with other people, house moves, siblings...

Can I ask how often DS sees his Mum and is this a regular thing or does it happen now and again?

Does DS get any alone quality time with his Mum {like his step brother does?} maybe this might help too?

I have a DD who is 6, she went through a phase of not wanting to see her Dad, and rightly or wrongly I gave her the choice. It made her feel more in control. As first she didn't want to go at all, then after a couple of weeks she decided she did want to see her Dad but not stop over and now she is staying over again.

Maybe this is an option for you?

It's not an easy situation to be in and I really feel for you and DS, I hope things work out for you all soon.

lincsdan86

Person_one wrote: »

Has your ex asked you for help in dealing with his behaviour while he's having contact with her?

No she has not asked for help in dealing with his behaviour, but as far as I am concerned repeated outburst of violence isn't something that I am going to ignore either, I want to get to the root of the problem. He is never like this when he is at home.

lincsdan86

krustylouise wrote: »

Your little one sounds very jealous, which is entirely understandable, he has had a lot going on in his short years, parents splitting up, both parents moving on with other people, house moves, siblings...

Can I ask how often DS sees his Mum and is this a regular thing or does it happen now and again?

Does DS get any alone quality time with his Mum {like his step brother does?} maybe this might help too?

I have a DD who is 6, she went through a phase of not wanting to see her Dad, and rightly or wrongly I gave her the choice. It made her feel more in control. As first she didn't want to go at all, then after a couple of weeks she decided she did want to see her Dad but not stop over and now she is staying over again.

Maybe this is an option for you?

It's not an easy situation to be in and I really feel for you and DS, I hope things work out for you all soon.

DS mother has him Sat night to Monday morning on a weekly basis.


She has said she tries to have alone time with him, I can only take her at her word.


I think suggesting that would go down like a lead balloon, but it might have to be an option as there is no formal contact arrangement it is just what has been agreed in the past.

FBaby

Maybe she is stricter than you and he has tantrums because he doesn't like it?

lincsdan86

FBaby wrote: »

Maybe she is stricter than you and he has tantrums because he doesn't like it?

It is possible she is but I doubt it

burnsguitarman

When I was young, we moved house quite often, thus changing schools several times. I used to, and even still do at times, wake up at night after dreaming I was at the wrong house or school.
Even though I had both parents and siblings, I was still very unsettled despite always being told what was happening and involved.
What I'm trying to say, is your son has had so many changes in such a short time, it's understandable.
What does your ex suggest and how does she cope with him?

krustylouise

lincsdan86 wrote: »

DS mother has him Sat night to Monday morning on a weekly basis.


She has said she tries to have alone time with him, I can only take her at her word.


I think suggesting that would go down like a lead balloon, but it might have to be an option as there is no formal contact arrangement it is just what has been agreed in the past.

Personally if this was happening with DD I wouldn't not suggest something for fear of how it may be received...

How do you find out DS lashes out? What does his Mum do when he does that?

lincsdan86

krustylouise wrote: »

Personally if this was happening with DD I wouldn't not suggest something for fear of how it may be received...

How do you find out DS lashes out? What does his Mum do when he does that?

DS told us that he made the wrong decision and had hurt his mother

Mojisola

lincsdan86 wrote: »

DS mother has him Sat night to Monday morning on a weekly basis.

So he spends every weekend with her? That's an unusual arrangement - alternate weekends is more common. If a child is only with the resident parent during the week, they don't spend any of the more relaxed weekend 'down time' together.

Maybe he would prefer to have some weekends at home with you - his behaviour may be a result of him not knowing how to express this.