What should I do?? Please don't judge

prettykitty · 19 November 2011 at 10:00PM

Hi there, hoping someone can advise me on a "man situation"... here goes...

I have been seeing a "friend with benefits" once or twice a week. Now me and this acquaintance did have a fling about three years ago after the collapse of our marriages. We worked together at the time. However I realised that although he was separated he was still very emotionally involved with his wife and I called time on it, met someone else and that was it until recently, although we continued to have occasional drinks together and he has remained a supportive friend.

Anyway now I am divorced and living alone again, and he lives on his own and is in the process of getting divorced. His relationship with his wife is cordial and he has dated other women.

To be honest my issue is that we are in a relationship in all but name - we spend time together, we can sit in comfortable silence, he is incredibly intimate, we both admit that the chemistry is incredible, we are on the same wavelength intellectually, blah blah. He seems to be suffering from some conflict about this though - he says he doesn't know what to do and when pressed he says that he can't tell anyone about me, we should be with partners of our own age and he feels it would be seen as inappropriate.

I suppose that I should add that there's an age difference of 15 years, but I am in my thirties. He is from a different background to me and is reasonably wealthy, so I guess I might be viewed with suspicion and he is worried about looking like an old fool. His marriage failed due to his wife's repeated infidelity and I know he felt emasculated and can't risk that again. I would not even be considering getting further involved with him if I didn't have the feelings, I know what rejection is like.

I really do like him a lot though and would like to just give it a try as a normal couple. I suppose my question is whether I am just being blind to the fact that I am being used, or if there's more to it than that and all he needs is time and patience?? He keeps "reminding" himself out loud that I am just there for the sex (not in a nasty way) so I wonder if feelings are running deeper. Perhaps I'm the fool, any advice welcome.

blossomhill_2 · 19 November 2011 at 10:10PM

Suggest you spend some time apart and then see if you miss each other and are not just together for convenience or habit, then get back together on agreed different terms. Age irrelevant.

Tropez · 19 November 2011 at 10:14PM

If you are emotionally attached to him is having sex with him healthy for you? Not judging, just a question.

I suppose you could lay it out in rather blunt terms - you're both going to die one day so why waste time !!!!!footing around when you could be engaging in something meaningful that may or may not last but you might as well try. Life's too short to waste time wondering what if... if he doesn't want a relationship with you then he'll still say no.

You could well meet someone who does want to be with you. You shouldn't allow yourself to dedicate yourself to someone who isn't willing to make a commitment to you. Sex for fun is fine but when emotions are involved it becomes difficult. I don't know whether he is taking you for a fool - only he knows that - but what you need to do is decide whether you're willing to remain emotionally involved in someone who doesn't wish to be with you as a couple, knowing that other opportunities may pass you by until ultimately you never get what you want. Of course, if you have decided for now there's no point looking then maybe it isn't such a big deal whether an opportunity passes you by, but it still is worth considering how much you're willing to tie up in such a relationship.

EDIT: I didn't swear, I used a word that describes a cat...

victory · 19 November 2011 at 10:20PM

Has it ever been said that there is hope to take it further?

Bumpmakesfour · 19 November 2011 at 10:24PM

prettykitty wrote: »

He keeps "reminding" himself out loud that I am just there for the sex (not in a nasty way) so I wonder if feelings are running deeper. Perhaps I'm the fool, any advice welcome.

Even if he doesn't mean ^^ in a "nasty" way I'm not sure I'd appreciate him actually saying that,especially if he knows your feelings run deeper than just being shagbuddies

Errata · 19 November 2011 at 10:27PM

Ask him to tell you where he thinks you both stand in relation to each other. if you can't ask him, or he doesn't know, then you need to ask yourself what's going on - because something is.

prettykitty · 19 November 2011 at 10:44PM

Bumpmakesfour wrote: »

Even if he doesn't mean ^^ in a "nasty" way I'm not sure I'd appreciate him actually saying that,especially if he knows your feelings run deeper than just being shagbuddies

Thanks, I mean it's like he is telling himself that I am there for the convenience and not because I really like him, i.e. not to let himself get attached. But I think he might be. He is the only man I have ever been with who doesn't turn over and go straight to sleep, if you know what I mean. He just doesn't let go all night which is not usual in a man.

Also thanks for the other replies, yes we have talked about making it "official" before but he thinks it would be inappropriate and he says he won't marry me (not that I have ever even hinted at such a thing!), I just think it's really stupid not to give it a go, like Tropez says, we'll be dead one day.

However, I suppose if it's going nowhere it's best to call it off.

jayII · 19 November 2011 at 10:47PM

I'd go with spending a few weeks apart, it will give you space to think and give him a chance to miss you. If he doesn't miss you then you have your answer.

I think he is either using you or taking you for granted, but you'll never know which unless you ask him directly or do the above.

heretolearn_2 · 20 November 2011 at 1:21AM

I don't think he is using you, as such, you started off both happy with an f-buddy arrangement after all, but I also don't think he has any intention of making this a real relationship. It's a '-f buddy' situation, and that's all it ever will be for him. It's not his fault if you have decided you want that to change, and he doesn't, but it's also not your fault if you are getting too attached to him. If you are getting emotionally involved and wanting it to be more, then my advice would be to get out before you get hurt.

all this stuff about age and appropriate etc is just a way of letting you down gently, I think. If he wanted to move this on to something else, he wouldn't be making all these excuses. But he is very clearly telling you that this is going nowhere different. It's just your emotions making you try to read something deeper in this.

I had an f buddy for 2.5 years so I'm not judgemental, and we were undoubtedly fond of each other, and yes, we could talk for hours and were affectionate etc etc etc, it's not like meeting up for an appointment for sex and nothing else is it, but don't fool yourself that it means more than being friends who also bonk.

I really think you are setting yourself up to get hurt here if you don't get out. You are at a point in your life where a f-buddy type thing just isn't enough for you, go and find something more then. If I'm completely wrong about him (and I don't think he is a bad guy or anything, just more realistic than you) and you quit this, he will realise what he has lost and come after you. Don't play games though, don't be sitting at home hoping he will, you need to genuinely move on.

make_me_wise · 20 November 2011 at 10:15AM

Firstly I would like to say that I dont think there is anything to judge you on. You come across as someone who has had a bit of a rough time with relationships. As does the guy you are in such an emotional tangle with right now. Not many of us here haven't been in that situation at some point or another.

I think this guy needs some space to decide what it is he wants. At the moment his head is probably all over the place about relationships. I agree with the poster who recommended some time apart and then see how you both feel. Not talking a long weekend or even a couple of weeks. I would keep some distance for a couple of months and really think about things.

The crux of the problem may be the timing of when you first got together. You two have never had an affair, but he was only seperated from his wife and you say yourself that it was obvious he still had feelings for her. Maybe he is carrying feelings of guilt around for being involved with you then, unecessarily in my opinion. It could be casting a shadow on how he views being with you now.

Straight talking and then a break from each other might help you both see things clearer.

God help us if being in you late 40s or early 50s leaves you being an 'old fool' in a relationship :eek:

Lotus-eater · 20 November 2011 at 10:21AM

Although I try not to judge the 15 year age gap and it certainly can work out fine, I have seen family members with the same gap and in the end it didn't work out fine.
Just think through what you have and what you want from life.

Then if you want to, I think an ultimatum is best for him, you either want a proper relationship or nothing, or you are going to be really hurt.

What should I do?? Please don't judge

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