Feeling miserable and down

RoxieW

Sorry for the self indulgent post - just feel the need to offload and gain some perspective as feel I could burst into tears right now.

I'm pregnant btw so not sure if hormones playing part or am just feeling sensitive to OH's behaviour.

Basically, OH and I have been together 8 years, married for 1 with two children age 5 and 4 and one more on the way. I just feel like I keep seeing a different side to him - setting alarm bells ringing - and I dont know what to do about it or if I'm making something out of nothing which is I'm sure how he'd see it.

Things came to a head Sun night when we went to a gig with some friends inc his brother - he always gets more 'laddish' when around this group and I hate it. He made several comments that I found tasteless and disrespectful ie (about a popstar) "I'd shag her if our lass wasn't there" (but he then denied that he'd said it) - then asked me to text a male friend with "bet i've seen more pairs of tits than you today" (in reference to the girls who flash at concerts (which there actually were non and he seemed very disappointed).
As well as these comments he was also very unconcerned with what I wanted to do ie I wanted food but because noone else did he would nt come with me -then 5 mins later he went to get food with his mates. I also went to get a cuppa and was stood in a queue for 35 mins but he didnt seem at all concerned at the length of time I'd been gone. At the end of the night we ended up having a big row in which he called me miserable, boring and antisocial (as well as a few other choice names) and I ended up feeling bad and apologising.

This laddish behaviour he displays has only started coming out the past year or so. In fact, one of the reasons I fell in love with him was that he wasnt like that at all. Now when he's had a drink it seems to come out ie last time we went out he was oggling anything in a skirt (he denied it).

I know I'm insecure and would like others perspectives as to whether I'm being paranoid. I had an abusive childhood and he's the first person I've ever put my trust in and that took about 5 years to build. Then it was smashed last year when he went to a lapdancer then lied over and over about it until I read some very tasteless comments he'd made on his social networking site. On this site he seems like his laddish self and i've also read comments on their about 'fit' birds whereas he described me to his friend as 'a good woman who looks after him' and also said he was looking forward to a lads festival more than his wedding. He's since changed his passwords nad is cagey if i come near the computor when he's on facebook or whatever.

I think all this has built up leaving me quite insecure and last night he said I was too clingy! Previously he's said that the fact I'm so loving is one of the things he loves about me.

Am I being too OTT about little things? In normal day to day he's lovely but I see a different side of him at times which makes me feel like i;'ve been conned and that I dont know him at all. This is the side he shows on social networking or when hes' had a drink. It makes me wonder if i can trust him

Sorry for the big post - I just feel like I could cry. I want to have it all out with him but I know he'll say I'm being stupid/paranoid etc and i'll end up feeling like an idiot and apologising.

Him and my boys are all that I have and I'm terrified of losing him. He's the first person to ever show me love and he's stuck by me through some very difficult times. I guess what I'm scared of is that he doesnt love me and I'll lose him.

All opinions welcome - sorry again - just needed to vent.

Kylie

You poor girl. I can understand why you feel so down. This sort of behaviour is unacceptable, and you certainly should not be apologising for it!

I am sure someone will give you some advice very soon, but in the meantime, don't feel that this is in any way your fault. He sounds like he needs a serious reality check. BIG TIME.

Glen0000

Could it be the drink talking? I can be a right tit when I have had a drink, so I lay off it. Wanting to be one of the lads is all well and good, but if I want to keep my wife talking about fit birds will not do me any favours.

We are men and we all think it, but saying it out loud is another matter. He needs to grow up and show a bit of respect.

belfastgirl23

I think you need to recognise that your hormones are playing a large part in how you feel. I'd guess you could take some of this in your stride in other circumstances but the combination of the body changes involved in pregnancy and the hormones have knocked you a bit off balance.

BUT I do think he should probably make some allowances for this too. Can you sit him down and talk to him and tell him that you're not sure whether it's hormones or what but this is really upsetting you. From what you've said it really does sound like he cares about you. If this sort of stuff is coming out as a bit of a whinge then he probably can justify ignoring it (I'm paraphrasing into man language here btw ) but if you tell him sincerely and acknowledge that it isn't just about his behaviour, it's about how you're feeling as well, you might just persuade him to tone it down. The other thing though is to try to change a bit yourself as well, to notice when he's loving and kind, to try to reassure yourself a bit as well and not always expect him to do it. Acknowledge to yourself that it's partly the hormones, it will help a bit.

It does sound though like you've basically got a good man who loves you but unfortunately is not always the man you want him to be!

Kylie

Women who say you can't change a man just aren't trying hard enough.

He has changed into some obnoxious and rude "lad" - change him back... or start poisoning his food.

RoxieW

Thnaks all for your kind replies. I'm now sat in tears like an idiot. Good job my little boy is engrossed in the chronicles of narnia.

Most of the time things are great - we get on, we can have a laugh and just enjoy family life. We're quite a loving couple and there are lots of cuddles although now I feel abit stupid about that after his comment last night - like he's secrectly wishing I'd leave him alone!

I know I get overly upset by comments or him looking at other woman because I'm insecure myself. I hate the way I look and then i hate myself for being paranoid and insecure with him. I had built up some confidence but that changed when he went to a lapdancing club and had a lapdance. Some women dont see it as a big deal but it left me feeling disgusting. Even now if I think about it it really hurts imagining him oggling another woman - prob thinking how much better her body is then mine. The thing is, he knows how long its taken for me to trust him and for me to build confidence and for him to just do it anyway really makes me think does he actually care about me at all.

I guess its added up to me feeling like I'm just abit convenient. I try really hard to be a good wife and show him that I love him but it seems taken for granted. or never enough - for example, he recently commented that I needed to 'pull my finger out and do some ironing' (I had but he didnt have the jeans he wanted).

He has alot of good points and I adore him - but these little comments about other women destroy me inside. And seeing how he oggled people when we went out makes me wonder - if he's like that when im there - what is he like when I'm not!

I'd like to talk to him about it but I know he's say I'm being childish, stupid, paranoid et and he wont listen, he'll just get angry. Then I'll end up feeling bad and apolgising.

Kylie

I would feel exactly like you (and have in the past). You are not over-reacting. He needs to be sorted out sooner rather than later. Perhaps suggest marriage (husband) counselling - he won't go but it will show him you are deadly serious about his behaviour. It needs to change. I really hope he wises up. Unfortunately it does seem to be the wives that are good to their husbands seem to get taken for granted. Love him, but don't be a doormat. Put your foot down and be prepared to stay at your mum's house for a few nights when he has to do his own ironing... You have to be cruel to be kind sometimes.

RoxieW

Thanks Kylie - unfortunately I dont have any where else to go. After an abusinve childhood I dont see my family so at times I do feel very trapped. Some times I wonder if I had that 'safety net' whether OH and I would still be together. But I also realise that I look to him for my confidence and self esteem and that I perhaps shouldnt be so reliant. Thats why I guess it really hit a nerve when he said i was too clingy.

My friends in the have said why do I put up with it - if their boyfriends made comments like that they'd be out of the door etc and i do wonder if i'm letting too many things slide. But I feel like if I bring it up with him I cant win because he'll say I'm being childish, paranoid etc. I wish he'd listen but I dont think he will and because i part agree with him that I am abit paranoid its easy for him to turn it around on me and make me feel bad for bringing it up. But is it really too much to ask for a bit of respectfulness? I'd never comment on or oggle other men in front of him. He's all I need anyway but apart from that, I actually care about his feelings. He doesnt seem to feel the same because he thinks my feelings are irrational so therefore invalid.

Have stopped crying now! Think I just needed to clear the system abit!

Mips

RoxieW wrote: »

Thanks Kylie - unfortunately I dont have any where else to go. After an abusinve childhood I dont see my family so at times I do feel very trapped. Some times I wonder if I had that 'safety net' whether OH and I would still be together. But I also realise that I look to him for my confidence and self esteem and that I perhaps shouldnt be so reliant. Thats why I guess it really hit a nerve when he said i was too clingy.

My friends in the have said why do I put up with it - if their boyfriends made comments like that they'd be out of the door etc and i do wonder if i'm letting too many things slide. But I feel like if I bring it up with him I cant win because he'll say I'm being childish, paranoid etc. I wish he'd listen but I dont think he will and because i part agree with him that I am abit paranoid its easy for him to turn it around on me and make me feel bad for bringing it up. But is it really too much to ask for a bit of respectfulness? I'd never comment on or oggle other men in front of him. He's all I need anyway but apart from that, I actually care about his feelings. He doesnt seem to feel the same because he thinks my feelings are irrational so therefore invalid.

Have stopped crying now! Think I just needed to clear the system abit!

NEVER EVER believe what your friends say.

Would they really? You would be surprised how Women actually react to stuff like that and the strongest Women will be the ones frightened to let their husbands go.

You need to give him a chance, have some very honest chats with each other and take it from there

Kylie

Sounds like you have some separate friends. You need them. Keep and build on that support network. The last thing you need right now is to feel alone.

RoxieW

I do have friends but alot of them live in yorkshire whereas we moved to derbyshire. My friends locally are great but alot are quite 'new' friendships and I dont really want to moan on - hence the cyberspace offloading!

Thanks dippychick - this is what I aways thought. At the end of the day everyone has their faults - noone has the perfect partner. Although my 2 best friends have OH's who worship them and would never ever so much as raise their voices to them, let alone call them names etc so its easy for them to be horrified.

I think i'm just feeling massively insecure after being called boring, miserable and now too clingy. I dont want to make it worse by bending his and being a nag - I guess cos I'm terrified he'll meet someone 'fun' and independant and think that the grass is greener. God i sound pathetic - I used to be quite strong and go mad about things and demand 'respect' but over the years i think I've given in as I dont win and just end up apologising for getting angry or feeling pathetic for needing reassurance and making things worse.

I just really feel at times that he doesnt care and that I'm the convenient clothes washer, cooker of dinners and bed buddy.