Intimacy with husband/wife

starbump

Do you have any kids? Some people seem to be keen to get back to it after having a baby within a few weeks/months but I reckon it can be really (physically) uncomfortable for women for up to a year afterwards. If this is the case, you'll just have to be patient.

DigitalJedi

Depends on the person I guess and the situation. Its normal for the frequency to drop if you have young kids.

I remember with my first ex, sex was rare and often felt like I was allowed as an act of mercy than mutual enjoyment.

That said, also what some have said about making an effort is also true. My mate's line to his wife is often "Come on then, we've not done it for x months." I mean i'm no expert on women but even I can see thats hardly a line thats gonna work! In fairness he did take his wife to a posh hotel and used the slightly better line of "We're not going out til we've done it cos this hotel's costing me a fortune!". Ahhh class!

BlondeHeadOn

DigitalJedi wrote: »

Depends on the person I guess and the situation. Its normal for the frequency to drop if you have young kids.

I remember with my first ex, sex was rare and often felt like I was allowed as an act of mercy than mutual enjoyment.

That said, also what some have said about making an effort is also true. My mate's line to his wife is often "Come on then, we've not done it for x months." I mean i'm no expert on women but even I can see thats hardly a line thats gonna work! In fairness he did take his wife to a posh hotel and used the slightly better line of "We're not going out til we've done it cos this hotel's costing me a fortune!". Ahhh class!

This sounds like true MSE style !!!
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Alikay

DigitalJedi wrote: »

Its normal for the frequency to drop if you have young kids.

Ha! You wanna try and have a sex life with 3 teenagers around!! It's even more difficult than when I was a teenager living under my parents roof! DH tends to quote Sun reader's average as a guide to how much he's "entitled" to. Needless to say I'm heavily in debt!! :rotfl:

CB1979_2

just give her a bit of oral pleasure matey and make sure you're good at it.

she'll be wanting it all the time then

Anxious1

I hope you don't mind but I am going to share my story. My marriage of 2 years (together for 6) ended this year because I was apparently frigid. Years ago when I first noticed my sex drive dry up I tried to get help but GP couldn't and I didn't have anywhere else to turn, at the time I was extremely worried about it as I had been incredibly horny all the time before I met my husband. I truly believed I had a big problem and it was my problem alone and I think that did the damage. In the end I think we stopped trying not just in the bedroom and in general. I think he got fed up of trying to make the first move with sex and of course being turned down. I found the pressure unbearable that he'd want sex every night and I was always so exhausted from doing my busy work day then evening before I could even sit down. I didn’t feel a little bit sexy and if I had been honest with myself I’d let myself go abit, worse unflattering clothes put on a considerable amount of weight, I just didn’t like myself very much.

If I could have looked in from the outside I would have told myself to get everything I was feeling out in the open.

What I realise now is he made no effort with me and didn't treat me so well, I managed the home, bills, cooking, cleaning, etc and actually this is quite a major responsibility plus I have a very demanding job, I am the main earner so what I realise is I was totally stressed out by this for years. I never realised at the time of course so never did anything about it.

His idea of foreplay was, jump on me if you want it and I am not kidding, no wonder I never wanted to respond. But again at the time I didn't realise it was something I should be speaking to him about, if I had done this at the time it might have saved our relationship. Now because so much has happened there is no turning back, Infact I don’t even fancy him but I know a few months ago it could have been fixed if either of us had thought to talk about it. Now we're not even on speaking terms, I just can't forgive him for seeing somebody behind my back and actually its really cruel to call somebody frigid because remember it takes 2!

I think if occasionally he did something out of character like doing something round the house, or just listen to my work problem, or take me out to dinner or buy me a little gift out of the blue like a CD I wanted or even some flowers that would have made me feel special. We used to have a 'date' night, we'd make the effort to do something fun but unfortunately his hobbies and friends started to take first place so we spent very little time together.

My advice is:

You'll have to force her to talk to you, this won't be nice and I'm sure it will be emotional, nobody wants to accept the relationship needs help and its not all a bed of roses, the feeling of failure is overwhelming, I lived with it for years.

My advice would be take the pressure off completely, take sex off the table. I think you should agree that between you both, that there will be no sex for a month (or longer depending on when you currently have it) no matter what. No matter if you really want it, etc.

Then start making time for yourselves, I appreciate its hard with work/kids/ and everything else. Pretend your dating again - like another user said - courting!

Then take it really slowly and have fun. Start with kissing, even asking - can I kiss you or something like that. Kissing can be so enjoyable, even a touch of the arm or knee can be so arousing but make sure you don't go any further for a while. Just get used to that level of intimacy.

If you can, the wonders of a weekend away could be a massive reward. Planning isn't always good but if you could make it work find a hotel, get some massages, use the facilities, make an effort and get dressed up for dinner and plan a night of passion. Underwear, etc whatever works for you both to get in the mood.

This might all sound like a load of crap but this is just what would work with me!!

I have since found out that I’m not frigid but had just stopped trying and I never want to have a lack of interest in sex ever again, worst years of my life not feeling sexually attractive and horny. But I do feel it was for me to take responsibility, however hard it is, I’ve got myself back on track! For me it was exercise, making time for myself and realising that long-term relationship if different to dating so I hope that I have learnt what I need from this experience so future relationships won’t be doomed.

I'm not suggesting this is your situation or that you are treating your wife badly, this is just my story and I hope you can draw some advice from my sitution. Good Luck and I hope you can resolve your differences. I really do because divorce is ugly and the worse thing I think I've ever been through.

RoxieW

We're about 3 x a week, but really it depends on the couple. OH would like it every day, me prob 1 - 2 a week, so we both compromise to make each other happy.
I'd agree with other posters who've said look at your relationship. Could there be any resentment from her ie do you help around the house, do you help with the kids (if any), do you listen, treat her nicely, make her feel special? A relationships a two way street of course, but you can only change yourself. Its amazing what wonders a bit of kindness, a compliment or dinner out will do.
Dont pressurise her for sex though, this is a major turn off. Just enjoy her company - whether that be snuggling up to watch a dvd or going for a romantic meal. Buy her flowers, talk, listen - generally be attentive. It always works with me.
If problems run deeper then just 'its gone off the boil' a bit, then perhaps try relate? These problems can have a habit of getting out of hand and you're wise to seek advice.

Horace

Uhm, well I don't see my chap that often so for us it is twice during the week we spend together although we can go up to 5 or 6 weeks without seeing each other.