fed up of being the breadwinner

Lunar_Eclipse

CB1979 wrote: »

some of my posts on re-reading them do come across as me being a !!!!!!! lol

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My suggestion to the OP is to try to stand back a little from your situation (ie at least forget about it completely for a couple of days), then go for a long walk to think about all aspects of your relationship, including those elements listed here that you are frustrated with, think about your goals/desires for the future and then discuss it all calmly and seriously with OH. You may well be very surprised at what comes out.

The rat race is bloody awful isn't it? If he has dreams, he really is the only one that can make them happen. And vice versa. You can facilitate, but not 'do' for him.

And don't worry about what hasn't happened or what you cannot control - eg a job in the future that might have long hours and pressure on low wages. Having said that, I'm sure most jobs fall into this category!

Edit to say - why do you say you're the breadwinner? Is it simply because you (currently) earn more? If you both work more or less full time, then IMO I don't see that there is actually a breadwinner in the relationship at all. So having quickly looked up what a breadwinner is, I find "a breadwinner is someone who is the primary source of income for supporting their family". Does this apply in your case? There would have to be a significant disparity in income and presumably children for you to accurately be deemed the 'breadwinner'. Not that it undermines your feelings at all of course.

Deals_2

i am always the one the most motivated . always sort out the finances. always gives ideas on where to take things next. i keep askign to sit down and go through things and joint decisions and i feel most of the time he cannot cope with things. too much stress and he cant handle it . and thinking that i pay all bills whether he has money or not and have a toddler too i know how difficutl this is. i found this post most interesting as these are the sort of questions i ask myself every day!!!

clairesolo wrote: »

my fiance works for tesco as a general assistant and has just completed his management training with them and is now waiting for a management job with them.

Problem is, I know how these big companies work, they pile on loads of responsibility on you for the lowest wages and I suspect that they are in no rush to put him in a management position.

He keeps saying he hates what he does and how he'd like to get a mon-fri job like me to see me more but he never does anything about it and says he doesn't like change.

I'm not sexist but i do feel very insecure that i'm the bread winner and i have told him this before. I also feel a bit resentful as I have had to spend my savings getting rid of his debts and sorting out his financial problems so that we can have a future.

I love him more than life but I don't know what to do about solving this, there's no way I want to split up but I don't want to feel resentful either.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. xx

nickyhutch

virgin_moneysaver wrote: »

sounds like my darlin' hubby - after 20 years of marriage I know I'll always have to give him a prod, he'll never be a high flyer career - wise & I'll always have to work, but he's a caring kind man & a doting dad (well, absolute pushover as far as the kids are concerned ) & as far as money is concerned he came with no debt, had a couple of grand saved which was enough for our house deposit (£2k was 5% deposit 20 years ago!) & I deal with all finances & paperwork, he lives off about £10 a week which covers his cuppa, paper & a skittle night.

No - one is perfect - he could earn mega-bucks but hit me around, ignore the kids & have affairs - I'd rather the man I got, but a bit extra money would help!

Aw bless - that sounds just like us. My OH will never be a brain surgeon, and we'll never be rich.

I've just overtaken him wage-wise as I'm lucky enough to have been in the right place at the right time and had my training paid for while I worked, and a job at the end. I have guaranteed pay rises til I hit the top of my scale (provided I don't mess up!), and OH is unlikely to get more than cost of living rises, so I will be "breadwinner" (I hate that word) for a while to come.

I don't resent him for it - we're a team, both doing as well as we can and bringing what we can to the table. I look after the money, and we're happy - more than happy. He has worked in places earning a bit more, but hated it - more pressure, bullying, that sort of thing - and I'd rather have him earnign a bit less and enjoy his work than go hating a job, just to earn as much as me.

OP - it's not all about the money, you know

EDIT TO ADD My ex earned 50k+ 6 years ago, so GOd knows how much now. I was far less happy then than I am now, truthfully. He was mean with money and mean-spirited and looking back now I don't know how I stayed as long as I did!

celyn90

Hi OP, I've commented in red as I can't split the quote

my fiance works for tesco as a general assistant and has just completed his management training with them and is now waiting for a management job with them.

Problem is, I know how these big companies work, they pile on loads of responsibility on you for the lowest wages and I suspect that they are in no rush to put him in a management position.

He keeps saying he hates what he does and how he'd like to get a mon-fri job like me to see me more but he never does anything about it and says he doesn't like change.

I do this all the time. I work really hard get paid a pittance (actually nothing at the moment!) and come home shattered. Sometimes I've just had a bad day, sometimes I'm tired and ratty. But even though I complain, I enjoy what I do. If he wants to change careers, he has to make the move himself and it may take him a while to work out what his path is. I think it is probably better he is in work and thinking about changing than out of work.

Is it just the hours that bother him or is it the money? I can't see that there are many related jobs with less of a workload that would pay more doing just five days.

I'm not sexist but i do feel very insecure that i'm the bread winner and i have told him this before.

I'm not sure why you feel bad about earning more than him nor do I understand the insecurity. I guess I've grown up in a household where my mum was the breadwinner so I'm used to females bringing home the money (and running the household and dealing with the children) whilst the male partner was in a lower salaried position. I know my dad has a bit of embarrassment that my mum earns more and is considerable better educated than him, but she tries really hard not to make him feel inferior about it. He is not a failure just because he earns less, they are a team. Her view is as long as they have enough to deal with the expenses, then it doesn't matter how it gets into the bank. Because she brings home enough to support them it has allowed my dad to have his own business (which doesn't have a great return) and he is considerably happier doing this for low pay than he was when he was working for someone else.

I really don't think you have the right to try and convince him to get a job with more pay. The only person who can change the situation at work is him, if he is unhappy about his chosen path he has to change it. You can offer advice, but putting a wage stipulation on him may well not be very good for him and he may start to think you are considering him a failure for not earning more than you.

I also feel a bit resentful as I have had to spend my savings getting rid of his debts and sorting out his financial problems so that we can have a future.

I do feel that you did not have to do this and from the way you have worded it you sound more like you felt oblidged to do this, which I don't think is entirely healthy. This was your choice and if you resent it then it was the wrong choice for you. You could for example take responsibility for more of the household bills whilst he pays off his debts and has less disposable income whilst he learns to manage his money a bit better.

I love him more than life but I don't know what to do about solving this, there's no way I want to split up but I don't want to feel resentful either.

I could understand if the resentment came from him sitting at home all day doing nothing whilst you were out earning, but by the sounds of it he is working really hard, just getting what you consider to be little in the way of finanicial return for that.

nickyhutch is right - life isn't all about money, and you say you love him. That should be enough. If he's having a tough time, then support him whilst he prepares the to change, rather than trying to change him. Some peole need time to find their way and I know it can be frustrating for those of us who live faster. As long as between you you have enough to live on, then I can't see an issue. More than anything you have to work out what you want. I know from experience that I would rather have little in the way of material things and be happy than to have everything and be sad.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. xx

Hope you work it out, cel x

THE_LONE_RANGER_4

ah dee dumms , your a couple in it together good and bad when he gets the good job i doubt you will be whinging for gods sake show some commitment or leave when your a couple no such thing as my money and his .

Viper_7

THE_LONE_RANGER wrote: »

ah dee dumms , your a couple in it together good and bad when he gets the good job i doubt you will be whinging for gods sake show some commitment or leave when your a couple no such thing as my money and his .

Your not married are you? It's hers!