fed up of being the breadwinner

calleyw

When I read the title I asumed he did not work and was lazy around but he is working long hours and earning money. You are not the only bread winner you are dual income couple.

Prehaps you would like to be where I am. I am the main bread winner due to a stroke my husband had, he may never work again. He does claim benefits. For the three and half months he was hospital, mine was the only income as he was agency worker. I had to use all my wages to pay the bills and put £35 worth fuel in my car every few days due to the mileage to visit him and go to work everyday, buying him phone cards and buying pj etc. Did I whinge and moan. Nope got on with it.

Until recently I have not taken any money off my husband as he has more needs than me. But due to him needing more of my time, I have had to cut my hours so less money and now I have had to start to money off him to pay the bills. Do I resent him no.

If you feel like this now what are you going to feel like when you are married. As far as I am aware when you are married or a couple I thought it was suppose to be no more his and hers but ours.

I wish you luck what ever happens.


Yours

Calley

Viper_7

Think how it is the other way around.

He works hard for his wife and daughter.
She has a part time job to cover her expenditure - but not enough to pay the mortgage/bills.
He pays for the mortgage/the bills the home maintenance/transport costs/holidays etc.

They get Child benefit and working tax credit...oh sorry, I mean she gets that, as he works every hour God sends he obviously cant be the main carer.

She's out partying a lot and hooks up with someone and fancies a fling as she never sees her husband - he who provides for them.

Divorce comes along, he gets sod all, loses the house, has sod all access rights to his daughter, pays huge amounts of money in child maintenance.

The female in this day and age has all the rights be she the bread winner or not.

sampa99978

Hi, just wanted to add another thought in. Everyone gets frustrated at work sometimes and lets off steam about it at home. It doesn't always mean they hate their job or want to get another one, so it may be unfair to be annoyed at his lack of effort in finding a new job.

I only say this because my partner does exactly the same thing! After hearing him complain a few times I wondered why he hadn't done anything about it, but I've come to realise it's his way of coping with a hard days work every once in a while. Not saying it's fun for you mind, having to listen to it!

Older_but_not_wiser_2

You may not be married just yet, but a few words come to mind:-

For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health etc.

Communication is the No.1 tool in relationships - be prepared to talk, listen and compromise.

virgin_moneysaver

My_Fathers_Daughter wrote: »

Some people need to be supported and 'led' through life - I had an ex like that, it wasn't that he wasn't capable, he would never grab life by the b@lls if left to his own devices.

It's not a bad trait, I bet he is easygoing, you get along well and he doesn't like an argument If you are willing to give him a gentle prod regularly and help and support him along the way I am sure he will eventually find a job that he is happier with...


...needless to say, I got bored of the 'leading' and had to let go (he brought out my control freak tendencies) he is now happily being led by another woman they are both very happy

so am I with my real man

sounds like my darlin' hubby - after 20 years of marriage I know I'll always have to give him a prod, he'll never be a high flyer career - wise & I'll always have to work, but he's a caring kind man & a doting dad (well, absolute pushover as far as the kids are concerned ) & as far as money is concerned he came with no debt, had a couple of grand saved which was enough for our house deposit (£2k was 5% deposit 20 years ago!) & I deal with all finances & paperwork, he lives off about £10 a week which covers his cuppa, paper & a skittle night.

No - one is perfect - he could earn mega-bucks but hit me around, ignore the kids & have affairs - I'd rather the man I got, but a bit extra money would help!

belfastgirl23

There are two seperate issues here.

One is that your DF isn't enjoying his work. I can see how after a while you'd get ground down listening to him complaining about it without doing anything to change things. To be honest after a certain amount of time and encouragement I'd get to a stage where I'd tell him I don't want to hear about it any more unless he's prepared to do something to change it. He needs to either accept his job, warts and all, or move elsewhere. Whilst I'd support him in looking for other jobs or looking at other options I wouldn't be happy to listen to the moaning indefinitely, it would drive me mad after a while.

But the other issue is more serious. You are feeling put upon by being the main breadwinner in the house. I'm not exactly sure why this is, by the sounds of it you knew how things would be when you met him. I'd say you have to think about yourself a bit too. Is it that you always had an expectation that the man would be the main breadwinner and if so is that fair in this day and age?

My experience is that people change very slowly, if at all. You need to figure out if you can accept your fiance warts and all. If not then he was probably never the right man for you. If yes then you too need to just buckle down and accept that this is how things are. Forcing him to become someone else is a sure way to contribute to the breakdown of the relationship in any case.

completelyspent

Viper_7 wrote: »

Think how it is the other way around.

He works hard for his wife and daughter.
She has a part time job to cover her expenditure - but not enough to pay the mortgage/bills.
He pays for the mortgage/the bills the home maintenance/transport costs/holidays etc.

They get Child benefit and working tax credit...oh sorry, I mean she gets that, as he works every hour God sends he obviously cant be the main carer.

She's out partying a lot and hooks up with someone and fancies a fling as she never sees her husband - he who provides for them.

Divorce comes along, he gets sod all, loses the house, has sod all access rights to his daughter, pays huge amounts of money in child maintenance.

The female in this day and age has all the rights be she the bread winner or not.

I think that is changing though-out of my group of friends it's the women who have brought property and the men that are moving in with them...although women still tend to be the main carers of children as well and often have to give up careers to look after them.
I do have empathy with anyone who loses out in a divorce though..not that it is about 'winning'.

Mips

Alot of Men are the breadwinners. My husband has to give me money to pay debts off, buy me clothes, buy things like Breadmakers that are gaining dust now...

.. it has never occurred to me that this would bother him!

We are a partnership and you do these things without question, I would never begrudge my husband any of my money for anything.

If you feel like this now, it doesn't seem like the sound basis for a Marriage.

And the Man works - what more do you want?

Some Men lie on the Sofa all day claiming a Giro playing on Playstations! :eek:

emmy05

Dippychick wrote: »

Some Men lie on the Sofa all day claiming a Giro playing on Playstations! :eek:

the image of wayne and waynetta comes to mind when i read this part lol

margaretclare

'Fed up of being the breadwinner'

Well, I was the main breadwinner in my first marriage, certainly in the last 20 years to his death in 1992. My late husband had disability/invalidity benefits so he did have an income, but because of his health the mortgage etc had to be in my name.

Nevertheless it was a partnership, we each did what was possible for us, and it never occurred to me to be 'fed up of being the breadwinner'! Who would have 'won the bread' if I hadn't?

Having said all that, I don't think you should make yourself responsible for his debts.