fed up of being the breadwinner

clairesolo

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

CB1979_2

well you knew the situation no doubt when you first met him, so tough.

your savings & his debts, why spend your money on him then resent him for it? am assuming he didn't force you to spend your money on his debts, so you can't volunteer that and then be p!ssed off for it, also assuming he's paying you back?

if you don't want to be the main bread winner go and get a job for less wages, job done.

BallandChain

lol I'm always coming across your posts CB and you never hold back.

Back to OP. Claire, if your b/f isn't taking responsibility for his debts then it isn't up to you to bail him out. I'm sure if he was thinking about your future together he would be man enough to pay off his own debts. You might not have any control over his job as that is his decision, but I do urge you to stop bailing him out.

Edit to add: I just read that bit again about he doesn't like change. If he doesn't like change with regards to his job it will only be a matter of time that he uses that with regards to your relationship.

CB1979_2

i just don't do pu$$yfooting around (but perhaps i should, cos some of my posts on re-reading them do come across as me being a !!!!!!! lol)

it just seems that some people (not meaning OP necessarily) ask/say something when the answers right there.

how can you resent someone for lending (paying off??) them money if you volunteered it??

he's your fella, approach him and TALK to him about it all.

unless he reads MSE alot of the time these posters' partners probably don't know half of what's going through their minds!

all in all, i meant what ballandchain said, but in more a blunt way! lol

BallandChain

I know if I ever have a problem I want you to sort it out CB, lol. I prefer the no nonsense straight from the hip advice. I think some of my posts have been too blunt in the past but I've toned it down a bit.

emmy05

i dont see what you mean by with this
He keeps saying he hates what he does and how he'd like to get a mon-fri job like me to see me more but he never does anything about it and says he doesn't like change

how can he want to be a manager and yet not work weekends? and if he doesnt like change, then how has he made it to be assistant manager?
sounds like a mummys boy to me, he expects women to pay his way and bail him out, you need to talk to him and sort things out before you let things fester up to a huge row thats going to end up going nowhere x

Larumbelle

Not meaning to be disrespecful to you, but is this the real issue?

Because a relationship is a partnership. Never mind splitting up, you already resent him! You don't speak of the relationships as if you are equals. Regardless of whether it is 'sexist' or not to ask this, would you feel the same way if you were male and he were female? Or would you assume this was the natuaral way of things? In any relationship there is always one person who contributes more financially. That's life, and regardless of which of you it is, you will always have to deal with that. You never know, maybe once he has risen up the ranks a bit he might be earning far more than you one day - whatever you might think, he has prospects, whether in his existing company or elsewhere, but if he changes job it has to be his decision.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I've been in a similar position. I wonder if his debts, rather than his job, are perhaps the real issue. I assume they were run up before you got together. Have you spoken to him about them? Is it a serious relationship? If so, I am afraid you will have to start thinking of them as 'your' debts as well. Your choice of words is revealing - you perceive that you are having to sort them out on his behalf, which suggests that you feel fully responsible for dealing with them.

You want him to earn more money and seem willing to disregard his wellbeing if it means he will earn more, but at the same time you say you love him more than life itself You need to decide just how much you do love him. If you don't love him enough to take on the joint (but DEFINITELY not sole) responsibility for clearing his debts, you need to make a clean break now.

If you do love him enough to (and I reckon you do, but something has brought matters to a head) then you need to sit down with him and talk. Don't get angry, don't get tearful, try not to lay blame or use the emotional angle in any way. Just state that it is important to you that the debts be cleared so you can start life together with a clean slate. Work out a joint budget to pay what is owed, making sure that both of you get a bit of 'pocket money' that is yours to spend as you like. After all, he might earn less than you, that doesn't mean he works any less hard for his money!

Best of luck and I hope you get soreted out. You sound fed up, but these things pass.

My_Fathers_Daughter

Some people need to be supported and 'led' through life - I had an ex like that, it wasn't that he wasn't capable, he would never grab life by the [EMAIL="b@lls"]b@lls[/EMAIL] if left to his own devices.

It's not a bad trait, I bet he is easygoing, you get along well and he doesn't like an argument If you are willing to give him a gentle prod regularly and help and support him along the way I am sure he will eventually find a job that he is happier with...


...needless to say, I got bored of the 'leading' and had to let go (he brought out my control freak tendencies) he is now happily being led by another woman they are both very happy

so am I with my real man

CB1979_2

it won't be too long before you're being told to dump him, you deserve better, he's a loser, stand up for your rights, etc etc

completelyspent

Is the real problem you don't feel he's motivated enough? It is unlikely he is going to change unless he wants to - that can either be because he has an incentive/goals or because he hits rock bottom and has no choice.
My advice would be to talk to him again and say that you are concerned about your future and what you would like to happen and why, and ask him where he thinks things are going and what his timescales and goals are.
You can't change someone though...has to come from them.

clairesolo

thanks for your advice