I really need a sounding board please dont critisise

RoxieW

I dont think its an offence to leave a 16 year old. I babysat from 14 and we have had the same babysitter since she was 15.

Re the OP - sorry but this all seems quite odd. How could it be acceptable that you dont know where your son lives?

Gingham_Ribbon

RoxieW wrote: »

Re the OP - sorry but this all seems quite odd. How could it be acceptable that you dont know where your son lives?

The OP doesn't think it's acceptable and neither do most people, but unfortunately she's in the same position as many loving non resident parents because the resident parent can wield that sort of power and many do.

I really hope this gets sorted out quickly for you, piratess.

frugallass

hi piratess, how's things today?

piratess

Good morning, I just want to say thankyou all so much for your advice and a listening ear!
Before i update i just want to say To RoxieW I dont think its acceptable that i dont know where he is, thats the way things have turned out due to my ex being a self centred man who likes to think he has control of a situation!. Its a very difficult position for me to be in!.

Update well my daughter spoke to her nan last night and aparently my son is now going to be spending every night his dad works at the nans house! so a small result there! my ex aparently finished work early to try and see our son.
Ive spoken to my son and im now getting mixed signals from him! He is still saying he wants to come and live with me but then saying hes with his mates and doing this and that so im not so sure! ... His dad was at home yesterday from school and our son went in changed and went to his mates so i think this is very much a two way street for the both of them!

I told my son that he needs to try with his dad, he needs to make an effort and be good, to which he told me that if he tried and was friends with his dad again his dad wont let him come to me! I think hes trying to play the situation to his advantage ..... Not sure how you see it?

I have decided that the best compromise i can make is to have him at each holiday from school so a month in the summer a week at xmas and so on! I really cannot think of anything else i can try it isnt practical to have him here due to various reasons. I know this probably sounds really harsh but i have to also think of my other children to.
the other thing that worries me on a practical level is that if he were to live here how would he settle as regards to schooling? he has major problems making friends as he doesnt know how to share or compromise he does have a few friends where he is now but its taken him 3 yrs to get them ...

Thankyou so much for listening .

frugallass

well done you - the situation is far better than it was in your first post !

Your son obviously knows that by misbehaving under dad's care means that he might get to see you. It's a shame that it has to be like that. Your son really does need to talk to your ex in a 'grown up' conversation and express his feelings and needs. Maybe some kind of mediation is required here so you can all sit down to discuss arrangements and come to agreements about holidays etc?

I understand that by having your son with you permanently may disrupt the rest of the family and that's the last thing you need so don't feel guilty about not being able to care for him on a permanent basis.

So glad it's beginning to work out......:T

piratess

Its difficult having to think that way and although my eldest who is 14 says she understands i kinda think she wouldnt after a month or 2 i also have a 10yr old daughter and a 3 yr old son to concider

My son is on medication and yes it does work to a degree but i know that he does things to get attention even if hes just had some time and you then go and do somthing with another child he will do somthing bad so my time is switched back to him and it wouldnt be fair .... He would have to share my time where as with his dad he could have all his time if he was to sit and talk things through with him!
I think his dad tells me things to be dam difficult and doesnt listen because im the ex and he thinks he knows best! even called me girl on the phone yesterday! im 33 for goodness sake! ... but thats just him

mediation is a great idea i wonder how i would try and sort that out? who i would need to get in touch with?

frugallass

https://www.familymediationhelpline.co.uk/

good luck !

pepsicola_2

but you left your son with someone you had to leave because he was/is violent? this is what I don't understand he can only have been 7 or 8 then>

piratess

Thanks for your really unhelpful comment!

Ive tried to outline the situation the best way i can! ...

My son was 7 when he went to live with his dad and this was a trial period which me and his dad (when we were on speaking terms) we chatted every couple of months to see if my son was still happy and he was!
I DID NOT JUST DUMP MY SON .......

we did what we thought was the best thing at the time! My ex was violent towards me physically and mentally. My ex wanted my son and things have been going along smoothly the odd upset over school etc but things have always settled! My son idolised his dad followed him everywhere even if to the loo ! so i agreed to what my son wanted.

Im trying to do the best i can and to be honest i dont see how you can judge without being in the same situation. I was at the end of my tether no outside help and i had a 8 yr old and a 4 yr old to look after also this is why we came to the decision between us me and my son it wasnt done over night it came over weeks of talking ! My son was undiagnosed at the time this was going on and things were really bad he was climbing out of windows stealing food/money I had to sleep with my purse under my pillow and lock up and hide every key from windows and doors! noone would help me! I did what i thought was right at the time!
And what i didnt want to happen was for me to say NO and my son turn 10/11 and blame me for not letting him be with his dad!

So please dont judge me!

galvanizersbaby

piratess wrote: »

Thanks for your really unhelpful comment!

Im trying to do the best i can and to be honest i dont see how you can judge without being in the same situation. I was at the end of my tether no outside help and i had a 8 yr old and a 4 yr old to look after also this is why we came to the decision between us me and my son it wasnt done over night it came over weeks of talking ! My son was undiagnosed at the time this was going on and things were really bad he was climbing out of windows stealing food/money I had to sleep with my purse under my pillow and lock up and hide every key from windows and doors! noone would help me! I did what i thought was right at the time!
And what i didnt want to happen was for me to say NO and my son turn 10/11 and blame me for not letting him be with his dad!

So please dont judge me!

Piratess - I don't have to tell you that there are plenty of people on here that feel they can judge without being in the same situ! :mad: - I've not seen Pepsicola make any helpful comments on here to date - don't feel you have to justify yourself for doing what you thought was right - think people realise that if you had 'dumped' your son you wouldn't be on here now asking for advice - things are never that black and white in real life! - looks like things are not as bleak now as in your first post - hope it resolves happily for all of you