My Brother (sorry - long)

poet123

I tend to agree that having given your advice when asked, you shoud now step back. It will upset your parents even more if they think your relationship with your brother is being affected by all these issues. As you say your parents are astute normally,unfortunately many of us cannot be like that when it comes to our children,this seems to be the case with your parents.

jay11_2

I'll probably be shouted down here but I think you should consider taking a step back and accepting that the mess is between your parents and brother, and only they can change it. By believing that you can you and your children are missing out on having a relationship with your brother, and possibly (over time) souring the one you have with your parents. They've chosen to indulge him, and are doing him a huge disservice by the way. Don't waste any more time banging your haed against a wall.

By all means don't be dishonest--refuse to discuss money (how comfortable/well off he is) with him, and give your opinion if asked about your parents situation, but don't deprive yourself of time / a relationship with him if you're fond of or close to him in any way. What if something happened and you could never see him again? The ball's in your court--maybe you wouldn't care (I wouldnt blame you!), only you can decide.

oystercatcher

Sounds like he's still your parents 'precious baby'. There's nothing you can do about it, it is between them and him. They need to get tough but I doubt they will after all this time.

I would make it clear to your parents that this situation isn't fair (my parents always give equal financial help to both my brother and myself they are almost obsessive about it but it's good). However don't pressurise them as it's still their choice and a hard situation. I guess they don't want to see their son who they love made homeless which is what they would have to do.

Regarding your brother keep it neutral, who knows what is in store for the future. Certainly don't offer any financial help and make it clear you don't approve of the financial situation but I'd just let the relationship drift but not be severed. If he's a long way off that's a good excuse for not visiting too often, just tell the children you're too busy at the moment .... if he wants to visit does it hurt to have a chat and a meal ?

I thought I didn't get on very well with my brother but now he has cancer and I realise I care about him an awful lot .......

Oystercatcher

Oldernotwiser

I was brought up to believe that you choose your friends but not your family. Your brother doesn't seem to want a relationship with you so don't lose any sleep about it; even if you got on well you wouldn't see him often because of the distances involved. If he wants a relationship with you then he knows where you live. Let him get on with his life whilst you get on with yours.

Curv

Thanks for all your replies - I knew you lot would give me some perspective and 'balance'.

I think you are quite right in that I should step right away from the issue now - it is between my brother and my parents... I suspect they all feel pretty shabby about the situation and me talking about it might just rub their noses in it.

I'm not sure about writing to my brother as I don't know what I want to say to him. We were never very close as children and I don't see any need to try and force the relationship. BUT, I won't close the door on him either. I think if he chooses to get in touch then I'll be friendly towards him but I'm not going to ask him for contact. As far as my children go, I'll just say that he's a busy man. If he continues to 'forget' (I know for a fact that my Mum always reminds him so he has little excuse) their birthdays and Christmases, they will draw their own conclusions over time anyway, I guess.

Thanks again for all your wisdom, suggestions and replies - I feel much more settled about it now.

beer_tins

Your parents already know the answers. Only they can decide whether to do what's necessary.

Under no circumstances should they sign the house over to him. They can't keep rewarding irresponsible behaviour. Even if they end up giving him the house after receiving very little from him, who's to say he won't re-mortgage it and lose it anyway? If they feel sorry for him and want to keep him as a tenant that's another matter.

yellow44

This is a very sad story and from your post, nothing you say or write will make any difference to your brother.

He is one of lifes new fast growing breeds - the something for nothing type.

His attitude to your parents is disgraceful.

Having read all the replies, for me Oystercatcher sums it up perfectly.

Hopefully, one day he will realise what damage he has caused, but sadly by then I think it will be too late.

Best wishes. xx

Mips

I just really feel for your parents.

Tough love is what is needed - is it too late for that though?

If they have been nurturing him like this up to this stage in his life.. it will be hard for them to stop now.

melancholly

what a nightmare.... i agree that stepping back is the right thing to do, however hard that may be. it may also be worth trying to stop any conversations with your parents about it - 'you know my feelings on this and i can't persuade you, so there's no point talking about it'. it may help them realise how bad the situation is, and also stops you from being stuck in the middle. it just sounds like a horrible situation to be in and i can't see any easy way out of it unless your parents see that it has gone too far.

Curv

Dippychick wrote: »

I just really feel for your parents.

Tough love is what is needed - is it too late for that though?

If they have been nurturing him like this up to this stage in his life.. it will be hard for them to stop now.

My Dad has made a few comments that lead me to believe they are continuing down this path for their own peace of mind rather than having to live with the consequences of what would happen if they did the 'right' thing... in the past (according to my Mum) my brother has alluded, vaguely, to committing suicide if ever they stop supporting him.

Now I don't know how true this is and my brother laughed and flat-out denied it when I asked him... but Mum couldn't have just spun the idea out of fresh air so something has been said at some point to make them both uncomfortable with the idea of cutting him off financially. In their minds they'd rather be saddled with his debt and fund him for the rest of their lives than risk having his death on their consciences, which is how they see it.

After the conversation where my brother denied saying he'd commit suicide, I asked him to speak to our parents and make it perfectly clear that there was absolutely no risk of him doing anything stupid... he did that but the seed has been sown somewhere and the way they see it, there's a risk, no matter how tiny or unreal, so they won't take the chance.