My Brother (sorry - long)

Curv

I'm 40 and my brother is 34. We both live away from our parents - I live about 60 miles away from them and my brother lives about 200 miles away from them in the opposite direction.

My parents own the house he lives in - they bought it partly as an investment and partly for him to live in because his credit record meant that he couldn't get a private rental on his own so dad always had to be guarantor for him. Also, he didn't keep his rental properties in a good condition and his lease was often not renewed.

Mum and Dad remortgaged their own house to buy his outright with the expectation and agreement that he'd clean up his credit record and (for once) hold down a steady job over the 5 year term of Dad's mortgage in order that he'd be able to buy the house from them and put the repayments in his own name. In the meantime he was supposed to pay Dad an amount equal to the (interest only) mortgage and also be responsible for his own bills, which would help him become accustomed to budgeting.

I should point out that I didn't think it was a great idea... he already owed them thousands and thousands of pounds where they've bailed him out of unpaid rent, defaulted loans and credit agreements over the preceding fifteen years or so. I couldn't see how it was possibly going to work but my brother swore he had things sorted this time and that he could afford the commitment. My parents want him to sort himself out and naively (blindly?) hoped buying the house would be the making of him.

From the moment he moved in he's taken the proverbial... I don't think he's ever made a full payment on time and has fallen so far behind that I can't see him ever paying the mortgage payments back, let alone all the other money he owes them. He's run up at least £6K of additional debts in his g/f's name, which Dad had paid off for him... his phone has been cut off more times than I care to remember and he's moved 6 cats in - apparently the house stinks.

In the meantime he strides around like ten men as if he doesn't have a care in the world. He stopped speaking to me about a year ago because on the rare occasions we did speak I had the audacity to ask him how things were going financially - that's not all I used to say, btw - we did talk about normal things too. Some people might think I was wrong to do that and that it's none of my business, but the situation is making my parents ill - they can't afford to live the lifestyle they worked for all their lives because they have to make the payments on his house and pay his bills and debts. I became involved when they involved me and asked my advice.

The latest situation is that he's lost yet another job... doesn't appear to be able to get another one, although according to my Dad he's applying for lots. I'm not sure how he knows this as the only way to get hold of my brother is on his mobile and he doesn't answer that very often if he knows it's Mum and Dad calling.

Mum and Dad were all set to ask him to leave, sell the house and cut their losses, but they've since changed their minds and have decided to 'wait for an upturn in the property market'. Dad is (despite everything I've written) pretty financially astute and knows that it could be years until that happens. In the meantime his 5 year mortgage will end and he'll have to remortgage again at a higher rate. They seem resigned to suffering the consequences of his behaviour and their health is suffering for it. I just want to find my brother and slap his face hard. But I know that's not going to help anything and I'd loathe myself for it too.

I don't know whether to just forget he exists - I'm not prepared to conduct a dishonest relationship with him... by 'dishonest' I mean one where he pretends everything is great and that he doesn't owe Mum and Dad a fortune. He really does have his head jammed firmly up his backside and won't admit he can't pay his way. He lives in a constant state of denial - Walter Mitty had nothing on him.

But he's still my brother... I'm just not sure what that's 'worth' any more. He's never even met my daughter and she's almost seventeen months old, so I'm not sure I mean anything to him anyway.

Do you have any suggestions as to how I can deal with my Brother's behaviour?

Apologies for the length of this post - thanks if you read this far!

oliver2008

He will never stand on his own two feet for as long as your parents bail him out. They should evict him and get paying tenants. Tough love is what he needs.

Curv

I agree. I've told them so. They hope he'll change. He won't.

scottishchick27

I agree with Oliver, if they got tenants in that would pay the rent at least they would be getting something back. I can't believe how selfish he is being. Can't you ask him out for a drink on neutral territory and explain how his behaviour is affecting your parents?

lavandergirl_2

I really feel sorry for your parents.

However, your brother knows that he will be bailed out thus do not want to take financial responsibility

completelyspent

Curv, I really feel for you. You would have hoped that any one of those individual experiences he has gone through would have taught him a lesson but it hasn't. Sometimes by cutting people out it can hurt the person doing it more than the person who it is done to so I'm not sure if ignoring him would make you feel any better. Perhaps he won't learn until he loses something that he really does care about through this though.

Curv

My brother won't take my calls... he's not speaking to me.

I suggested getting tenants in to my Dad yesterday... his response was that market rents aren't enough to cover the loan repayments. When I pointed out that rent less management fee would still be more than the £0.00 they get from my brother, Dad just went quiet. They aren't stupid people - they can do the maths... they just don't want to kick him out and have resigned themselves to the situation, albeit unwillingly and unhappily. But they are refusing to budge.

Does anyone have any views on whether I should persevere with a relationship with my brother or just write him off? The thing is, I'm not sure what to say to my kids... they are 13, 2 and 17 months... they see my DH's brother and his family and (the eldest, at least) wants to know what's going on with his other uncle.

completelyspent

I don't think I could write my brothers off-no matter what they did but that doesn't mean I would endorse any negative and damaging behaviour from them, like yourself.
You could put all your feelings about his behaviour down in a letter to him and leave the ball in his court to contact you again?

scottishchick27

Can't you go round to visit him at his house when you think he might be in? Take your youngest child with you to break the ice if you think things won't get too heated. I wouldn't write him off (I don't think I would but as I'm not in your situation I can't be certain).

tsstss7

Curv wrote: »

My brother won't take my calls... he's not speaking to me.

I suggested getting tenants in to my Dad yesterday... his response was that market rents aren't enough to cover the loan repayments. When I pointed out that rent less management fee would still be more than the £0.00 they get from my brother, Dad just went quiet. They aren't stupid people - they can do the maths... they just don't want to kick him out and have resigned themselves to the situation, albeit unwillingly and unhappily. But they are refusing to budge.

Does anyone have any views on whether I should persevere with a relationship with my brother or just write him off? The thing is, I'm not sure what to say to my kids... they are 13, 2 and 17 months... they see my DH's brother and his family and (the eldest, at least) wants to know what's going on with his other uncle.

Hi Curv

My advice would be not to get involved however bad it makes you feel to watch it happen as it is your parents problem and of their making....I know this sounds harsh but no amount of your well meaning advice has persuaded them to date and I am willing to bet it never will ...(I say this having been there albeit to a lesser extent with my own mother)

You have tried to make them see reason and failed - now get on with your own life and try not to lose a brother over this. He has become dependant on your parents and is probably not able to see a way out himself ....any "comments" you may make probably will not serve to do more than make him feel more powerless than he already is.

Curv

scottishchick27 wrote: »

Can't you go round to visit him at his house when you think he might be in? Take your youngest child with you to break the ice if you think things won't get too heated. I wouldn't write him off (I don't think I would but as I'm not in your situation I can't be certain).

He lives over two hundred miles away from me, SC... I'm not prepared to tow my kids all that distance or to leave my family (hard working DH, teenager and two kids under age 3) on the offchance that he might be in or that he might deign to see me. I guess that sort of answers my question - if I was desperate to see him I'd make it happen, but I'm not.

completelyspent said that my brother might learn if he loses something he cares about through all this... maybe I'm the 'expendable' one? If I tell him he's welcome in my life once he's sorted himself out but not until then, he'll either do it or he won't. And I'm 99% certain that he won't