pls help - my marriage has fallen apart

Freebie_Hunter_2

(...ooops ... pressed the wrong button!)

I hate to say this but it sounds like if he's going to dig his heels in he may get difficult.
Either contact the CAB or call the CSA, they'll give you some good advice.

I wish you all the best in this hard time.

Jay-Jay_4

Hi snow queen,

I know from others that the CSA has a pretty poor history as far as getting payments

Has your hubby stated what he thinks is a fair amount?

It would be easier and a lot less painfull for you both to agree a set figure. Tell him how much it costs to buy clothes, shoes, winter coats, nappies, food etc and ask him what he thinks is a reasonable amount.


You also need to put it to him that the child is nothing to do with your split, he shouldn't be taking this out on the child and if he wants to maintain regular contact then he should expect to pay his share towards the childs upbringing.

Also he doesn't know how much the CSA will ask from him, you could put it to him that it may be a lot more expensive for him to leave it to them.

serpico

Hi Snow Queen.

Looks like a change of mood from your husband from that indicated in your second post about "everything being amicable".

Its very sad and unfortunate that he has now adopted the attitude that he will only pay what he has to, particularly when there is a young child involved. It will be a great pity if he goes gangster on you and the little one.

I am limited as to what advice I can offer having been married so long I cannot remember and having no children, and I have little or no personal experience of the benefits you must surely now be entitled to.

There has been a variety of good advice from others with more kowledge of these benefits given here.

You must now persue every avenue to see what you are entitled to.

Housing benefit to help with or pay your mortgage.

Council Tax benefit.

Income Support.

Child tax credit.

Anything else that has been mentioned here.

I know that I previously strongly advised that you both should avoid the Jackals of the Legal Profession at all costs, but it appears that your husbands attitude has hardened.

In addition to the various agencies and advice centres suggested in various posts I reluctantly suggest it might be now wise for you to consult a solicitor with a view to getting legal aid. If you are successful it should be a good help.

You should be able to find one in Yellow Pages who will give you a one hour free consultation and legal advice to see if you are entitled to Legal Aid.

Might I also suggest that you get yourself a full scap pad or book and keep a detailed record of everyhing you do and has been and is said in future between yourself and all the parties and contacts involved, dates times etc.

It is vital to keep records in your situation when you are under stress and pressure and having to care for a little one on your own and you are likely to overlook or forget important things.

You will find this particularly helpful if you do see fit to consult a solicitor, remember the more quickly and accurately you give a solicitor information the better it will be.

Good Luck.

margaretclare

Hi SnowQueen, and commiserations. I sometimes come home from CAB voluntary sessions and cry our in frustration: 'What is wrong with these guys? How can they walk out on that lovely trusting smilling little face???' There's no answer.

I agree with all that Serpico has said. From my experience, I haven't seen many 'amicable' divorces - usually avarice and self-interest creeps in somewhere no matter how 'friendly' it starts off. You therefore are gonna need a good solicitor. Your local CAB will have a list of those local solicitors' practices who are franchised to do legal aid. The larger CABx will have a specialist Benefits Adviser who can see that you claim all that you possibly can.

Best wishes

Margaret

jellyhead

i'm not certain but i think the CSA will take 15% of his income. you can check this though. they have a way of working it out. whatever he pays you in maintenance you will get to keep if you're working part time and on working tax credits. if you stop working and go onto income support you don't get to keep the maintenance.

i don't know if the CSA will get involved though, they prioritise cases and the people on income support get top priority because the government gets to keep the money so it reduces the burden of supporting the children for the state.

Pinky9

Sorry to read your bad news.

My husband left me in October, I have 6 kids 4 of whom still live at home and the youngest of whom is only 2.

I am selling the house but getting a good share of the profit to invest in another property. I could stay here but there are too many memories!

He earns good money but is gripeing about paying the bills until the house is sold. He has agreed to pay me CSA equivalent maintenance after we have sold tho.

If you are working at least 16 hours a week you are definitely entitled to working families tax credit and child tax credit and they don't take into account any other income you may have, whereas with income support, all other income is taken into account.

Remarkably, I am financially better off (as well as emotionally) without my husband. Be strong, things can only get better.

The advice on this thread is all helpful both to myself as well as you, but do be careful with lawyers, I have been divorced before, and they seem to be the only winners in the end.

Keep you chin up you and your baby are the important things here.

Pinky9

serpico

Pinky9 that should give Snow Queen a bit of encouragement with your first hand experience. Nice to see you support me on the festering diseease in our society about the legal profession.

Snow Queen how about letting us all know if our postings have been of any help and let us know how you are coping.

nh

Hi snowqueen

I am really sorry to hear about your separation, it must be a really terrible time for you.

We don't really know enough about the reasons for your split but have you and your husband considered marriage counselling? I know I don't know anything about your situation but is the marriage salvagable at all?

Lots of marriages go through ups and downs, sometimes the downs can get pretty bad, but it can be possible to come out the other side.

Also, please don't answer this if it is too personal, but why do you think you split up? I am getting married next year and I can't imagine a time when I won't think my fiance is the most womderful man in the world. But surely everyone thinks that when they get married? Were there any signs early on that you ignored.

Again, please just ignore the question if you don't feel comfortable answering. I just look at so many marriages and I can't see why some of them work and some of them don't.

lynnemcf

I just look at so many marriages and I can't see why some of them work and some of them don't.

I was 30 when I married, I tried my very best for years and years but in the end we had to split. I vowed never again, yet 18 months ago I married the most wonderful man in the world and it gets better every day. Its second time around for him too, so that makes me wonder why it is working for me and him but it didnt work for him and ex. My advice is, go with your heart. Give everything you can to the relationship, but forgive yourself if things dont work out.

nh

Do you think you got married too young first time? Were there signs there that you ignored but now looking back you can see it was the wrong thing to do?

I am really confident about my marriage, we have lived together for over two years, we have been together for three, and it still getting better every day. I just see so many couples who seem to be so different to us (they don't seem to spend much time together, or have that much in common) but their relationships work. Then you might get others who seem really happy but then split.

Like you said, you can only go with your heart!

Thanks for your reply, anyway...