Kids fighting

[Deleted User]

I know there's been one or two threads about siblings fighting, but after the day I've had I need to start another one.

My two are aged 7(DS) and 4 (DD). I'm a single mum and raise them on my own, no father, no grandparents nearby, just me. It's been like this for almost 4 yrs now. My 2 are jealous to death of each other to put it mildly. Either love or hate each other, no middle ground.

They constantly vie for my attention and bicker CONSTANTLY just to ensure they are both equal in every way shape and form. Of course this makes my life very very hard. Apart from being a mum I am also a full time student.

Anyway. When I say the argure and bicker all the time I mean ALL the time. I'm just not convinced it's normal. This morning I woke them up (they share a room) went to the loo and no sooner had my bum touched the seat, then they were argueing.!!

He winds her up and she screams at him. I don't know how to stop it, or disipline them for it or even if I should, maybe I should just leave them to it.
I certainly feel like banging their heads together.

Ithey've been like this now, today, before school and since I picked DS up at 3.20 and are both in PJ's having been bathed early and warned with bed if they argue again.

Can anyone please advise me on what to do because I am at a loss, I was a nanny for 8 yrs before I had my kids so you think I'd know what to do, but I really don't.

I still use time out on the stairs for my DD if she misbehaves, but my DS at 7 doesn't mind being sat there so I don't do it to him I tend to send him to his room to sit on his bed, which he doesjn't mind too much but doesn't like the fact I am down stairs and he is not.

Any ideas greatly appreciated

SL x

lauranurse

(((hugs))))

Could you try a reward chart for if they dont argue for a certain amount of time? Im sure as a former nanny you would have lots of ideas for rewards etc!

I think siblings are always jealous of each other, and whatever you do wont make much of a difference. Just try and treat them equally, however hard that is!

x

consultant31

I was exactly the same years ago when my 3 were young. It always upset me that they really seemed to actually hate each other. Now they have all left home (2 married, one engaged) they actually like spending time together and get on like a house on fire. Somehow, it all seems worth while when I hear them having a laugh and a good old natter together.

The best thing to do, if you can, is completely ignore them. If they don't get any response from you it's not worth their while to carry on. I used to just walk out of the room whenever they started and if they followed me, still bickering, I moved into yet another room.

[Deleted User]

lauranurse wrote: »

(((hugs))))

Could you try a reward chart for if they dont argue for a certain amount of time? Im sure as a former nanny you would have lots of ideas for rewards etc!

I think siblings are always jealous of each other, and whatever you do wont make much of a difference. Just try and treat them equally, however hard that is!

x

I've tried charts, they just argue over who's got the most stars or who is being the best behaved. I swear I've tried every trick in the book.

SL x

[Deleted User]

consultant31 wrote: »

I was exactly the same years ago when my 3 were young. It always upset me that they really seemed to actually hate each other. Now they have all left home (2 married, one engaged) they actually like spending time together and get on like a house on fire. Somehow, it all seems worth while when I hear them having a laugh and a good old natter together.

The best thing to do, if you can, is completely ignore them. If they don't get any response from you it's not worth their while to carry on. I used to just walk out of the room whenever they started and if they followed me, still bickering, I moved into yet another room.

LOL. I try to stay away from them to be honest if they argue, but they tend to wait till I'm in a different room anyway.

I sometimes wonder if htey do really not like each other!
SL X

[Deleted User]

oompahloompah wrote: »

Mine are 15, 13 and 11 and are still at it, so I don't really have any advice, just lots of empathy. I try to ignore it unless it gets physical but it's easier said than done....

I don't know how to multi quote so bare with me trying to reply to all the replies.;)

When my two fight it does get physical. one hits and hte other retaliates. IU tend to tell them to go away I don't want to know unless one of them really got the upper hand ( IYKWIM).

I understand siblings fight it's just at the mo I spend so much time listening to them argue, nothings fun anymore.
We went to Norfolk last week for a holiday and went to play crazy golf OMG I was sooo stressed after playing 9 holes, DD was cheating (According to DS) she was moving the ball with her hands.

DS was complainig I was saying well done to DD for potting the ball but not him. Them DD was moaning that DS was winning. The list is endless. I ended up nearly crying and told them they were ruining my holiday too!

SL x

jay11_2

With mine I insist on silence, leading to time out, if we're out and they bicker. I've also been known to whisk them home early from outings. Zero tolerance is best once they get to the stage yours are at with bickering--'if you can't play nicely, you can't be together'.

It doesn't matter if time out in their rooms isn't seen as a 'punishment', the point here is that their behaviour is past the point of being tolerable for you and others around them, so you, as the adult have to take charge and stop the cycle of together-play-fight.

If at home just seperate them--in bedrooms/opposite ends of sitting room/one with you the other somewhere else, whatever works. They, as children, can't make that step without help.

Worked for mine, anyway.

Good luck, Jay

[Deleted User]

jay11 wrote: »

With mine I insist on silence, leading to time out, if we're out and they bicker. I've also been known to whisk them home early from outings. Zero tolerance is best once they get to the stage yours are at with bickering--'if you can't play nicely, you can't be together'.

It doesn't matter if time out in their rooms isn't seen as a 'punishment', the point here is that their behaviour is past the point of being tolerable for you and others around them, so you, as the adult have to take charge and stop the cycle of together-play-fight. They, as children, can't make that step without help.

Worked for mine, anyway.

Good luck, Jay

Thanks, sounds like a good idea. So you suggest if they start to argue/bicker seperate them straight away, seperate rooms?

I must admit I don't tend to take them home early if they mis behave on outings for a few reasons. Mainly because I'm a sinlge mum we go out rarely ( money issues) so I feel bad for taking them away for the rare outings we go to, also its a day out for me too and I miss out ( selfish I know) and finally if we go out we tend to go with someone else so it means spoiling their time too.

Don't get me wrong we go out to the park and stuff all the time but I'm even cutting down on that now as no where with them is fun.

SL x

Evie82

My 2 daughters are 7 and 4 and are in the same boat as your 2, they are either the best of friends or fighting like cat and dog.
Its not for my attention particularly its more over who has what and when, such as toys, seating at a table etc etc.

I have found to an extent that ignoring it and not rising to one telling tales about the other has worked however they do sometimes get physical with each other when they cant sort it out and its then that i get involved.
I have found that the quickest way to defuse the situation is to separate them for time out to calm down. One sits on the loo and the other on the stairs. Once they have calmed we meet up and they tell me there sides of story calmly, they then have to apologize to each other, i dont find punishing one and not the other works.
By letting them try to sort it themselves I find they are becoming more able to talk and fix it and less likely to come running to me in tears.

I know its testing and frustrating, my 2 kids can wake up annoyed with each other some days for no apparent reason and you just feel like putting them in separate rooms all day!

jay11_2

Thanks, sounds like a good idea. So you suggest if they start to argue/bicker seperate them straight away, seperate rooms?

I must admit I don't tend to take them home early if they mis behave on outings for a few reasons. Mainly because I'm a sinlge mum we go out rarely ( money issues) so I feel bad for taking them away for the rare outings we go to, also its a day out for me too and I miss out ( selfish I know) and finally if we go out we tend to go with someone else so it means spoiling their time too.

Don't get me wrong we go out to the park and stuff all the time but I'm even cutting down on that now as no where with them is fun.

SL x

Yep, I used to give them one warning, then seperate them. Not usually in a 'punishment' way, just matter-of-factly, they're lucky to have a sibling to play with, but if they can't play nicely, they can't play.

Sometimes kids just need to be clearly taught what is and isn't acceptable. Hitting and driving mum up the wall isn't acceptable, and sounds as if this behaviour has become a habit.

With the outings, I'd 'practice' locally, at the park, etc. and progress to bigger and better things when the behaviour's improved. Much of it's psychological, and the surprise of actually being whisked home is pretty effective, and sticks in kids minds.

I'd feel the same about missing an outing, lol. But it's just not worth the stress of putting yourself in that situation with their behaviour the way it is at the moment.
Kids, eh!

Keeping_Motivated

Hi I've not read the replies you have had so far so forgive me if I repeat anything.

Maybe if they are so competitive you could use this in a positive way. For example I've seen it done on tv where the children get 10 pennies each (could be 2ps) and each time they shout, argue etc they get a penny taken off them. At the end of the week they get to spend what is left on a treat.

You actually have to give them the pennies physically each morning as actually having to give a penny back is supposed to be hard for the child as opposed to prmosing them money if they are good where they don't miss what they never had.

Also I would set certain times where one child has to entertain themselves while you spend 10/15 mins with the other child and if the other child interrupts they have to sit on their bed for the equivalent minutes to their age.

Once they have both had their individual time I would then tell them you also need 'you' time and they both have to leave you alone for x amount of minutes or a penny is taken off them. Its just teaching them boundaries. It will be a few weeks of hard work but hard work now means easier in the future.

Good luck