Problem Partner!

adydye

Water off a duck's back, mate!

adydye

Made me laugh tho...

arthurdick

hi adydye, you are welcome to come with me for a few pints right now... im going out to forget about it all , just for today....tell her you will be back before tomorrow. tell her its an aid to beauty,( well, my missus looks much better after iv had a few ....see you soon

redsquirrel80

There's always the Demotivator - http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/protect/demotivator/ - if there's something she spends on regularly.

I've been on both sides - complete denial of how much I was spending, and only realising I'd overspent when I couldn't get any money out of the bank or my card was declined - and now, being much more aware and getting frustrated at people who have their heads in the sand. If she's not in danger of being chased by debt collectors etc, which can be when a lot of people realise it's gone too far, then maybe the motivation of saving for something will help. I remember being hugely impressed by a couple I met about ten years ago who'd given up regular nights out, buying frivolous things etc for a year or two until they'd saved up a deposit for a house, I was quite naive about money then but it seemed like such a great achievement.

Good luck

dumpy

I feel for you I really do. I have a similar partner who doesn't seem to care about money.

What I have done now is to leave him on his own, we were never financially linked which helped. I pay all the bills, so I know they are paid but his money is his problem. I will help when things go wrong but it will not be monetary help.

It's really hard to get through to someone who won't listen how much this makes you feel. I hate debt and make my money work hard, his attitude is slowly killing the relationship as I can't trust him and he won't talk about it. I'm "not to worry" as it's all under control but I know it isn't as he is hiding thimgs from me.

I know debts are only money but it's more than that to me. It's the fact that he is prepared to risk our home and future security to buy that latest fad in unacceptable. I think that major purchases should be discussed looking at a budget to see when we can afford it not presented as a fait accompli.

Good luck with it.

LilacPixie

:rolleyes: I'm afraid I had to remover OH's plastic and replaced it with a visa electrom card linked to a seperate joint account. He gets £20 per week 'pocket money' which is what is allocated from our budget.

OH was told straight. If he wants a larger house and a larger car them our debt needs shifted and the quicker its shifted the better. :cool:

Newgirl_2

Hi Adydye, I really feel for you. I've partially been that person, I was never naiive or ostrich-like about our debts - when we started DMP I put together many of our plans to sort ourselves out and we both agreed what to do - but I can very easily spend money on what my OH would think are unnecessaries, bargains etc. I have to work really hard at telling myself I just can't afford whatever it is.

What helps me stay on track is 1) to be accountable for what I do and 2) my OH has never bailed me out.

I know it must be hard if you are working abroad but is there any way you can help start her off then leave her to get out of her own mess? For example, I can see that she might waste your joint money and presumably she has to have access for food etc while you're away..???... but you don't need to sort out her overdraft and pay her interest for her on her own account. Let her find out the hard way what impact that has. Only you know your OH and what state your credit records are in, so don't do this if it will jeopardise your ratings, but if they are already shot, it is perhaps the best way to do it. There is no reason for her to change if you solve it for her (I don't mean to sound harsh, don't misread that :rolleyes: ).

I would give her a serious talking to that things have to change. She will either agree and go along with it and change; or she will agree for as long as you are speaking then go off and do what she has alway done - that is the point that you must not intervene... if you explain the consequences eg 'I will help you work out a budget for next month but, if you go overdrawn, I can't help you' and get buy-in, you are only making it worse if you don't stick to it. It's a bit like teaching children (if you ask and ask and ask, eventually you get).

My OH made it easy by asking me to set aside some time to discuss this month, a new budget or whatever. He used to catch me unawares whilst doing something else and, even if I wanted to discuss it, there is nothing worse. Perhaps you are doing a little of that? If she feels that she is always being asked on spec, it could make her reluctant and she might just tell you what you want to hear to end the immediate conversation,

Another point is that the budget must be reasonable. She might want £50 a month for shoes or handbags for example. If she does and if it's affordable, then don't pick on what the amount it is for. In my situation, my things are shoes, handbags, candles and craft materials. My OH is Inspector Gadget. She needs to have so money that she knows is hers to do with as she sees fit but, the important thing is she doesn't go over that.

The accountability part is a little easier - suggest you do a budget and then make sure you go through all you bills and statements at the end of whenever (weekly or monthly if you are home) so that she knows she has to explain her actions - it might be that she knows she is spending but not what on, or that she has no idea how it happens. I have had friends who don't know where their money goes but have been shopping every weekend, once they have the first 'must have' they get it, take it home and next weekend, it's a different must-have.

I suppose at the end of trying this, only you can decide whether you want to stick with it - if it is a deal-breaker or whether you can face doing this for the next 40-50 years. A horrible thought but no-one can answe that for you.

Ultimately, she has to have her own lightbulb moment.

I don't know if any of this will help, if you hear echoes of your OH then by all means ask me anything you like and I'll try and answer. Good luck

Newgirl.

Tigger1983

OMG this must be what my other half thought of me before the lovely DFW people sorted me out! Now he's the other way I'm savings mad lol. He was def not impressed by the tesco value sausages though lol.

On the other hand two or three times over the last few months I've come home to a very sorry looking OH..who has wasted anywhere between £100 and £250 on slot machines IN ONE AFTERNOON. So we're both as bad as each other, it's just that he puts us in an instant crisis where as mine is more debt related and long term.

I was like that though, see it, buy it. The only thing that sorted me out was hitting rock bottom...for the last few months we have had no money, no other way of borrowing and nothing to show for it! Since then I've taken all the cards out of my wallet and am living on cash only purchases, and OH has gotten rid of his card completely.

Like someone else on here has already said - we all need our own lightbulb moment. Mine was not being able to pay the minimums in may and his was standing in the middle of a field after a blazing row wondering if I would ever let him back in again lol. We're ok now though, it was our engagement party last night

Tig xx

jak

I just wanted to say good luck. I've a similar problem...not sure if it is fixable?!

J
X
ps. I hope it is!!!

adydye

It's just the thought of giving 1000+ quid a year to b****y Barclays - we could do a lot with that, besides Barclays being the worlds LEAST favourite bank! It's so unnecessary!