Living abroad tips and hints for money savers

asea

Aw.. thank you both.. I do feel very welcome (& a bit emotional).

So, about me (advanced apologies for waffling!)...

Well my fiancee & I decided last year that the world is a big place & we would like to try living in a different country - we were both a bit bored of London (but not of life!) & to be honest as we both live in the City we both felt quite strongly that we would like to make the most of our lives instead of the lives that we saw so many of our older & more seasoned colleagues live. That sounds a bit mean but I used to feel a sense of foreboding going up the escalators at Bank station every morning watching people in their late 50s and even 60s looking so tired & miserable - I'd think 'you've probably been doing that nearly every day for 40 years' and neither of us wanted that life - we want to make the best of our time here.

So anyway, in January my other half who is was in quite a senior position at the company we both worked at spoke to his boss about a possible transfer to see what opportunities he could have. There were a few choices but there was an excellent job in Milan, so he took it. The company were originally going to find me a position as well but didn't and to be honest I was quite glad of leaving the industry so I decided that I would follow one of two of my dreams when we moved here - either open a cat sanctuary or a cheese company (two of my big loves). They gave him a salary boost of just over what my salary would have been anyway so financially we are not worse off (luckily).

Just after we'd agreed everything though, my Dad was rushed into hospital with a very serious lifethreatening condition. Thankfully, even though the hospital told us to expect the worst he pulled through. This was a bit of a shock to me & I think it's my biggest fear now - that something will happen & I won't be able to get back in time - it's the single most depressing thought/anxiety I have & I think that whenever I worry a little about it even though his health is even better now than it was before he was ill - it triggers my feeling very down.

The other big thing that gets me down is that one of my cats developed severe epilepsy in February & I worry that if something happened I won't be able to get her to the vet on time & that they will not be as good as her vet in London.. but anyway, back to my situation here.

So we finally arrived in September, Milan is a bit of an industrial city but is close to the mountains & the lakes where we spend most of our spare time as we love it so much.

I know that there is a big expat community here & I'm sure I will join it but I didn't come to live in Italy to live in the expat community as a few people that we have met here do. I will be starting my Italian lessons in December and I'm sure my communication skills will have improved alot by then but so far it has been quite tough even though I can speak a little Italian now.

One thing that I have found quite unnerving is the Milan tendence of (women, especially) to STARE at you constantly. I think this is a specifically Milanese thing rather than an Italian thing but it is very unnerving. I can be walking down the street with my other half & every single woman really stares me up & down until they have passed & when it's ten women in a row you start to worry about whether you have broken some fashion code & whether the Milan Fashion Police will come & arrest you! Anyway, that is quite unnerving & has made me feel a little like I'm in a glass bell. I'm just not used to it!

I would like to meet other Brits but also Italians (but ones that don't stare at me). I've looked at Language exchanges in the local papers but they all seem to be local Italian boys looking to pick up newly arrived English girls!

So I think the main problem we seem to have is that we feel isolated, even though we have met a few people here & there. I didn't think I'd feel like this as I've never really had problems meeting people and making new friends but I seem to have left my confidence & this ability at home!

The one other thing that gets me down is that I'm getting married in the UK in April. It's things like going dress shopping on my own & not having anyone to tell me that my bum looks big in that dress that I find quite sad. It's taken the excitement out of what should be one of the most exciting times of my life - preparing for my wedding. My friends & family can't really help by coming over as there is a lot of other stuff happening which makes it difficult but I think even writing all of this down has been so cathartic that I feel better already

(told you I'd waffle!)

droopsnout

Bless you, Asea.

First of all, you need to know what a fantastic job you're already doing. Anyone, even long-term ex-pats, would be struggling to cope with what you've been through, are going through, and are about to go through!!

You are clearly a well-balanced, capable, caring, sociable lady, and so you shouldn't think of yourself as in any way inferior to anyone else. (I'm not implying that you do, but just in case!!)

I think our friends on here will have all sorts of suggestions for you, but I'll start with just one for now. Seven-day-week is brilliant with her advice, and is also a lady, which may be advantageous! (No pressure, s-d-w!!! )

I just want to say well done for dealing with your father's illness. I'm delighted that he is now healthier than he was before, and, maybe, you need to emphasise that to yourself a little more. Do you feel a little guilt here, because you are so far away? Please don't. These days, families are spread far and wide, and as a dad myself, I encourage my youngsters to get off their bums and go find pastures new, and I keep trying to pack one of them off to Australia! As a parent, I want them to be happy and to lead fulfilling lives - even if I'd miss them. Maybe your dad thinks like that about you.

I was struck by your reaction to being stared at. Being an ugly old goat, this isn't something I've benefited from!! However, you might like to try something. It may be a little difficult for you at first, as you come across as being modest and somewhat shy. But what I'd suggest you try is this. When these people stare at you, give them a great big smile. A smile which says how extremely confident you are. It also shows that you have seen them staring at you, that it doesn't phaze you, and that you can handle it with confidence. Fix them with your eyes at the same time, and see what their reaction is. If they lower their gaze, you're a winner!! (And you'll feel good, too!)

There's a start.

Thanks for all the info. I'm sure there's lots more advice out there!!

droopsnout

By the way, I thought your reasons for making the move to Italy were just excellent. Good luck to you and your fianc!. I have more than a sneaky feeling that all will turn out very well for you.

clearmydebts

Hi Asea,

I think droopsnout has already given you some brilliant advice but wanted to respond as well. I have to say the one thing I found hard was when I was shopping for my wedding dress a couple of years ago. What I did was fly home to Ireland for a weekend and went shopping with my sister. When I found a dress I wanted in the UK I flew my mother over for a day so she could see it. Is this something you could do, or could you go home for the weekend to have a look at dresses?

I also think it might be a good idea for you to try and meet up with other ex pats and then concentrate on getting to know some Italians. I understand how you don't want to be surrounded by ex pats all the time but I imagine if you are having a hard day how it would be nice to meet up with people who understand what you are going through.

Errata

Asea, I envy you so much. It's a wonderful thing to be young and the world can be your oyster !
I wonder if you're worrying a little too much about not being able to get back 'in time' to see your dad ? You could live in the next street and not be able to run round there 'in time'.
Milanese women staring at you? It's the fashion capital of Italy, of course they're going to stare at you and they'll also be staring at every other woman they see. Checking out if they're fashionable, ahead of fashion, pricing everything, wondering where it was bought. It goes with the territory and all Italian men of any age gawp at all women of any age - I think it's genetic !
I've assumed you're not working yet. This may be one of the reasons you've found it a little difficult to make new friends - work colleagues in many ways are ready made friends. If that's the case, given your dream of a cat sanctuary, is there a cat or an animal sanctuary in Milan you could volunteer at ? Just a thought. Or perhaps some other voluntary work that you could do? It's a great way of getting to know people.
HTH

seven-day-weekend

droopsnout wrote: »

Bless you, Asea.
Seven-day-week is brilliant with her advice, and is also a lady, which may be advantageous! (No pressure, s-d-w!!! )

!

Hey...thanks for calling me a lady!

Asea, I too think you are doing brilliantly.

One thing I was told when I came here was always say 'hola' to everyone you meet - southern Europeans on the whole are friendly people and I think as droopsnout suggested a smile would go down well when you're being stared at!

Also I agree about making friends with a few other expats. Not only is it good to have others around who understand but they can also be a mine of information about things like registering with a Dr, how to get Healthcare cover, how to register as a resident, even the best shop to buy something from. The village I live in in Spain is traditionally Spanish (and I wouldn't have it any other way).but there are a few other Brits here and sometimes it's nice to socialise in my own language!

Just to make you smile (I hope), in the Spanish version of Fawlty Towers (it's just the dubbed English one with John Cleese), Manuel the Spanish waiter from Barcelona has transformed into Luigi the Italian waiter from Milano. Maybe you'll see him around.

Looking forward to regular news from Milan!

EdInvestor

Milan looks to be quit well stocked with organisations which help expats settle in and meet other expats (not just Brits) and also locals .

http://www.hellomilano.it/Associations/Assocations.htm


Until you get your language up to scratch it's easier to socialise with other English speakers ( not of course necessarily Brits these days, especially in a financial centre like Milan!)

Have you held a house warming party yet?

Savvy_Sue

asea wrote: »

Can I ask how long it took you to acclimatize? I think I probably romanticised moving here a little & thought it wouldn't take long to settle, but I've found it very difficult in spite of my preparations & it has made me have quite a few low moments. This in spite of me moving to the Middle East for 4 years when I was 17 and finding it quite easy in spite of the massive cultural divide. Sometimes it feels like I will never settle (although I know I will).

I think you are already off to a good start by recognising that YOU need to acclimatise, rather than expecting Italy to become like whatever you're used to. And you have had some excellent advice on how to do that.

I moved to Bristle getting on for 10 years ago and it was a HUGE culture and language shock: schoolfriends thought DS2 was Scottish, because he sounded so different to them! :rotfl: Just finding a supermarket the right size was a struggle, and Bristle has dozens more than the place we'd moved from.

It took time, but now this is very definitely home. I'll never be a true Bristolian (I think that takes at least 3 generations!) but it's still home.

asea

Thank you all SO much for your advices

So we've taken alot of it onboard & yesterday morning went to a wine-tasting in the Rovescala region which should be about an hour's drive (but took us two & a half as there were no signs & the maps were wrong!). There were a mix of expats & a Italians there. We met an American girl who had come with her husband at the same time that we did & was feeling the same as I have (if not worse) and it put things into perspective a little for me, which I think I needed.

Also met a couple with two lovely boys, the father works with my other half and they also have found things very tough - especially with the kids. It was good to have met people that are going through the same things & we have decided to all join a local womens' group that has been set up for International Women abroad. It's mainly got ladies in their 50s & 60s so hopefully we will be able to learn from their experiences here as most of them have been here awhile. We might even be able to teach them a thing or two.

I think you were collectively right about meeting some expats first as the human contact has been invaluable. I've even found out that there is a wedding fair on next weekend & I've got a volunteer to come & help me look at dresses so that is a weight off my mind.

An Italian lady at the tasting yesterday said that she found it difficult with the staring when she moved to Milan & that it is definitely just a Milanese thing. She said to ignore it. I would love to take the advice and just give a big confident smile back but I think that will take a little while as I find it hard to smile when I'm wobbling inside!

I've started to say buongiorno & buenosaera (sorry about the spelling!) to people as I walk past them during the day & it's a bit like London - alot of surprised faces & a few genuine warm smiles which make you feel a little warm inside!

No housewarming party just yet - we haven't finished unpacking just yet & have had a few (million) problems with our landlord so are waiting to get those sorted (as well as meet people to invite ) before having that. We have 8 people who are coming for New Year though so looking forward to that!

Now all we need to do is find the right classes to learn Italian & I think we will almost be there!

Anyway I should go & wake up my other half and drag him to the antiques market on the naviglie (canals) Sometimes it still feels a little like we are on holiday & I have to do everything NOW!

Thanks so much everyone!

droopsnout

That's all wonderful, asea!! Well done!

Mind you, I'm still going to say to you that if you can actually use those mouth muscles to say "Buongiorno", you can move them slightly less to give a big, confident smile - even though you'd only be acting!

Go on, give it a try!! (Easy for me to say - I'm a bloke!)

Seriously, you sound as if you're doing all the right things. Stick with it, cultivate a close friendship or two, keep on top of the wedding preps, and I think you will soon be really happy with life.

And remember, it's probably raining in the UK ...

Now ring your Dad and tell him you love him!