Found out mother is having affair

Mojisola

It's such a difficult situation. When the wife of a neighbour left him, he said one of the hardest things about it was finding out that she had been having an affair for ages with the man and that most of his friends and family knew about but no-one had told him.

snowmaid

It is your mom's place to tell him. You don't know what the situation is. Perhaps speak to your mom about it and find out the facts.

Anyone seen Bridges of Madison County? But then I am a hopeless romantic...:o

But seriously, the worst you could do is get involved. It is awful to find out that one's parents are human and sex didn't just occur at one's conception..:D

Let your parents work it out, for better of for worse...

Good luck

Little_Pickle

penny, you poor thing.

You know what I would do?

I would, when I'm on my own with mum, say to her

'Mum... I used your old mobile to text someone. I hope that's okay?'
wait for her ears to perk up.... then when she's looking at you in the eys say to her..

'I found some texts on there that I think you should talk to dad about.'

Then leave the room. Wlk away. Go out. Let her do what she needs to do.
BUT
don't talk to her about it. if she tries to talk to you about it, tell her you won't and that the only person she should be talking to is your Dad.

let us know how you get on
good luck and lots of love,
LP
xox

mel19632

Hi Penny, sorry to hear about your situation. I just wanted to give you my own little piece of advice - I discovered my mum was having (multiple) affairs when I was 18 (and just weeks before my A levels, and whilst I was having an abortion...), but anyway enough about me. I would advise you to stay well clear of the situation. I am the youngest of 3, however BOTH my parents took me to be the middle ground between them and in every arguement they would come to me and try to get me to be the mediator. It is hard, because you will upset both of them, even if you try not to go on eithers side.

Its always upsetting when parents divorce, even if you are grown up, and have moved out, but you need to remember that this is their problem and they need to sort it out and you don't need to be used as a punching bag for either of them!

good luck in whatever you choose to do, and if you want to talk about anything just pm me

xxxxx

bluebell13

snowmaid wrote: »

It is your mom's place to tell him. You don't know what the situation is. Perhaps speak to your mom about it and find out the facts.

Anyone seen Bridges of Madison County? But then I am a hopeless romantic...:o

But seriously, the worst you could do is get involved. It is awful to find out that one's parents are human and sex didn't just occur at one's conception..:D

Let your parents work it out, for better of for worse...

Good luck

I just love that film. The messages it conveys are that life and choices are never simple. I echo other peoples posts in that this is between your parents and if at all possible you should try and stay impartial if you can. Tell your mum that you have found the texts and if it gets too uncomfortable then refuse to discuss it further.

It must be very difficult for you at the moment.

paddy's_mum

Last year, I got myself in deep and very hot water when in a thread by sportbeth (can't do those clever blue link thingies!) I was strongly of the opinion that being the one to spill the beans about an affair is a surefire way to hurt yourself and everyone around you or involved. I still hold to that view.

This is a cruel thing for you to have to deal with because you love both your parents. However, any problems they may be having (or have had because this may not be the first or only time) is for your parents to acknowledge and deal with. Ownership of land, or a farm that has been in the family for generations, is not the real issue here, at the moment. Your parents are in the same situation as many couples when trouble rears its head - whether it's the marital home, a farm or an aristocratic estate. The laws of this country will sort all that out, should the time come when assets have to be assessed and divided.

Your predicament, it seems to me, is whether or not you speak out or stay quiet. In your shoes, I would do my best to put it to the back of my mind and leave my parents to soldier on in their own way. These things have a way of coming out in any case and perhaps once it does, that is the time for you to be of support and comfort to both of them, as you see fit.

What I can tell you is that in my experience, few "ordinary, decent" women embark on a love affair (as opposed to what can crudely be called a 'bit on the side') unless they are deeply unhappy. You cannot know the dynamics of your parents' marriage and I suspect that you would be happier keeping a little bit of distance rather than be the bringer of bad tidings.

You may wish to do a post search for sportbeth's long thread. It covered all shades of view and thinking and as such, may give you a broad range of opinion. Not a happy situation for you to be in through no fault of your own, and no doubt a dreadful shock to you. I wish you and your parents a happy ending, with much hurt avoided and a lot of healing being done.

Debt_Free_Chick

As someone who had an affair, it took me many, many months of counselling to understand that I was feeling low .... felt my OH didn't love me, didn't value me and that I spent all of my time "trying to get him to love me".

If either of us had realised that this was the reason for my low self-esteem, I have no doubt we could have worked it out and built a stronger relationship together.

Don't judge your Mum - you are only seeing half the story.

Don't write off your parents relationship - that's something for them to decide.

Ask yourself ... what on earth would drive mum to behave this way? It can't be "nothing", can it?

Debt_Free_Chick

paddy's_mum wrote: »

What I can tell you is that in my experience, few "ordinary, decent" women embark on a love affair (as opposed to what can crudely be called a 'bit on the side') unless they are deeply unhappy.

OMG - I wish I could thank this post more than once. Am gonna have to cry now as it cuts right to my heart and it's so, so true

poet123

This cant be an easy situation,but you do need to step back and think about the result of any actions you might take.

Couples who have been married for as long as your parents have now form a significant proportion of divorcees. Among my own circle this is evident,seems to be a combination of kids leaving home,harking back to lost loves,wanting to explore other things than those your spouse does,boredom and realisation that life is quite finite.

All of these, and more, can be a catalyst to an affair. unless one party is deeply unhappy, as has been said,an affair will not start. So dont automatically apportion blame,no one knows the inside of anyone elses marriage least of all the kids.

if you feel you have to speak out do so calmly and as non judgementally as is possible,to your mother only. Then take the cue from her.

It is a horrible situation, and I hope it gets better for you.

ukbandit

what would you want if it was your wife?

I think i would have to get involved, because i could not liove with myself knowing my father was unaware for potentially years.

not saying something today might be fne, but in 2 years? it sounds like the person she is having an affair with she was involved with 27 years ago, how longs this been going on?

I'm sorry but it could have been going on for ages, and the question of paternity will inevitably rise if the relationships been
gong on for any significant time.

your mums been careless as well in letting the texts stay on her phone, if you dont want to be involved, then the only option is anonymously let your father know.

its a hard situation, let the forum be here for support and guidance, but you must make up your own mind, one way or the other. dont sit on it!