dd's lack of confidence due to me

cobbingstones

Hi

I've just seen my dd's nursery teacher this morning for a chat due my dd leaving and starting pre school. She is absolutely fine with everything expect her confidence. The teacher mentioned to me that she needs to have more friends outside of nursery, I need to go to other's houses etc and my dd needs new experiences so she can spread her wings and become more confident. I guess this has really knocked me because its all true. I am not a socially adapted person myself. I find talking about cars, make up etc very boring and I just haven't met any mummies who i can relate with. I guess I'm just going to have to try and sort something out. I also become very stressed and anxious when meeting new people, so i guess they never get to know the real me. I just don't want my dd to share my issues!

I've just started at her ballet classes, so maybe this will help.

Any ideas?

MM

elona

Madsmum

If the nursery teacher was right in what she said then my DDs would certainly not be the bright, intelligent and confident girls that they are at the ages of 14, 19 and 22!

I am fairly quiet, hate talking "fitted kitchens" and dreaded the playground mafia mums.

As long as your daughter gets outside interests and you are not a "hermit" then she shoud be fine.

I took mine to "rainbows, Brownies" etc to get them mixing with other children and once they started school they made friends themselves.

We are all different as are our children.

It is not a crime to be quiet, a little shy and to take time to get to know people.

Is there anything special you are interested in that you could met new people through?

jellymid

Hi MM,
I understand exactly where you are coming from. Is there a Rainbows group for her to join? (Pre-Brownies). They are usually very sociable and you don't have to be involved if you don't want to. You get to meet people casually after these clubs, whilst waiting for the children to come out - it's a bit less scary than formal arrangements. If there is anyone she likes at nursery, you could invite them to play for an hour afterwards, then drop them off at their house. Friendships with other parents will build up slowly this way. My philosophy is smile, listen and ask questions - anything to avoid talkiing about me. Hopefully you will eventually meet some Mum's you can relate to...though sod's law says that your children won't be friends with theirs!
Good luck and try not to worry. She might find friendships at school that last forever.

Amanda65

Hiya

How horrible for you - we always want our children to be so much better than we are don't we?

Firstly, I wouldn't overly worry - your daughter can only be 3 or 4 so there's plenty of time for her to make friends. Also with regard to other mums, it sounds as though maybe yoou are outting up barriers to try and get out of pushing yourself into situations that you are not comfortable in. I was never a toddler group kind of person but did take mine swimming, toddler singing groups etc. and foudn that friendships soon came for both me and my children. And I've never talked about cars .

I am guessing that the nursery has been a day nursery, where parents come and go quickly before and after work whereas once she is at pre-school, and then school, it will presumably be local children and you will find that parents hang round more at the school gate and chat.

Follow your daughter's lead - if she makes a friend invite the child and their mum round for coffee, nothign too long, maybe just a hour, and see how it goes. And good luck - it's not easy (mine are now 16, 14 and 12 :eek: ) and we don't get a manual, just all muddle through.

wotnext

I concur with those that have suggested Rainbows/Brownies.

My DD2 was a complete wallflower. She was painfully shy (and still is to a certain extent) but it wasn't until she started Rainbows and then Brownies that she came out of her shell. She still finds social situations difficult but there is such a difference in her.

She also did ballet too, and that helped to build her confidence.

**Twinkle**_3

Hi MM,
Try not to take it personally, I used to work with pre-school age children and as a key-worker, would have to talk to parents about their childrens' progress, it was always difficult, as i am also a parent myself, not to feel the need to 'protect' the parent's feelings, against the needs of the childs. Working with other peoples children, is a privilige and one which most of us feel passionate about. I had to remind myself, that my job was about the childs needs first and it was important for me that i did the best i could for each one. Please belive that she had your childs best interests at heart and it's because she cares and wants your child to reach her full potential.
As for myself for many years have now, i have not been able to find true friends, who care about me and the things that matter to me. I seem to attract 'aquaintances' who want to talk about themselves alot and show little interest in my life, family etc. You have taken a big step for both of you, by enrolling her at a ballet school, well done. As has been said before, just smile when people catch your eye, then next time say hello and as your daughter makes friends, you will naturally find ways of chatting to their parents, all parents like to be complimented about their children so try things like "your daughters hair is lovely" or " she/he dances so beautifully, how long has he/she been dancing?". Conversations will become easier and more natural each class.

MidLifeCrisis_3

Sounds like you're doing fine, ballet is a good start, but you may find a music groups a bit easier as everyone joins in the singing and actions so you don't have to sit around making idle chit chat. Try to sit next to someone with a similar age child or a baby as some have a coffee break so if they do you can start off chatting to them about how old is their child, etc. If they're not your cup of tea, you can sit next to someone else next week. There are loads of Jo Jingles, Music with Mummy, etc groups around and it may give some confidence to you both.

I used to hate singing at our group, but now I just join in as I soon realised no-one is actually listening to me howling away anyway!

Good luck

MLC

galvanizersbaby

madsmum please don't pay too much attention to what pearls of wisdom nursery staff impart on you
I had this with both of my 2 at various times and in my case the staff in the main were young girls or ladies without children with NVQ's who were trying to turn physcologists (spelling sorry!)
Your little one is only young and you are on the right track with the ballet - she interacts with the children at nursery - she will develop socially.
My daughter is 4 and confidently makes friends and socialises easily but I believe it's part of her personality as I do not - I was quiet and shy as a kid and I still don't find it easy to make new friends - I didn't expose her to lots of groups etc... she's just like that - we are all different
I've recently passed my driving test so she wants to join a dance class (funky disco dancing though as she puts it not ballet as I'd prefer!):eek:

cobbingstones

Thank you so much for your responses. I feel much better now.

I've tried to contact Rainbows through Yell but its not giving me any answers. Any ideas where I could find out if there is a group in my area?

Thanks again

MM

jellymid

Hi Madsmum,
Glad you are feeling better.

I think this is the link to the girlguiding website

http://www.girlguiding.org.uk/xq/asp/sID.887/qx/join/article.asp

Then fill out the online form for more info on local groups,

Good luck,
Al

mrcow

madsmum wrote: »

She is absolutely fine with everything expect her confidence. The teacher mentioned to me that she needs to have more friends outside of nursery, I need to go to other's houses etc and my dd needs new experiences so she can spread her wings and become more confident. I guess this has really knocked me because its all true.

Sorry - but what a load of rubbish......and how guilty must that have made you feel?!

I'm sure you're doing just fine. You sound like a loving and caring mum. You don't need to be made to feel guilty by some nursery worker! Some children are just more outgoing than others. Ballet classes are great - but do it because you think she'll enjoy it. She'll make friends in her own time.

Don't worry about having people over etc. unless you want to invite them! She'll make lots of friends at pre school and school. There are lots of children who don't really bond with anyone in particular at that age.....it certainly doesn't do them any long term harm. She's still very young bless.

You can't force friendship. If your daughter is making friends, she'll do it in her own time (and will soon be asking for people to visit your house when she's ready for it!).