Money Moral Dilemma: Should retired parents pay off their daughter's debts?

foxylady1999

MSE_Archna wrote: »

Here's this week's hypothetical situation for you to cogitate on:

Should retired parents pay off their daughter's debts?

A retired couple have saved all their life to build a nest egg. Now their 34 year old daughter, a single mum with two young kids, is badly in debt; so much so they’re knocking at her door and repossession is possible. Twice before she’s been in a money troubles and they’ve bailed her out; yet she keeps on overspending and has limited financial control; but if she can’t pay they’re worried about their grandchildren. Repaying the debt would eat up half their retirement funds.

Click reply to have your say

Previous MMDs:
Would you replace your mate's cricket bat?
Can you go giftless to a wedding?

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It would seem that this young lady already knows that the more she gets into debt her parents will bail her out, from reading the threads of what she has already done to them.
I think the best alternative would be for her parents to take her to Citizens Advice bureau, let them deal with all of her debts, maybe even getting her a Bankruptcy order, even though it takes 5/6 years, maybe this way will teach her a lesson, and not think parents are their mainly to help out. If she does not have sufficient qualifications, then maybe she should have a talk with someone who can help her gain employment, not all single parents have parents to bail them out, and not all want that much debt, once their its very hard to get out of, been their done it got the badge, tee-shirt, still clearing the mess, but able to hold my head up high, and not have my hand out to my parents to clear the mess up, l would be too ashamed to let them know of my problems, especially when they need the money more than me, considering how much it does cost to be in a home, if the need arises.

thorndave

I also agree with all those who have said dont bail her out. As I have to admit, through overspending and not budgeting, I've previously got myself in debt too many times over the years but my parents have bailed me out every time. Apart from the last time, when Dad said "sorry, no more". That last time, I was in such a financial mess - and unemployed as well - in my situation, I had no choice but to go bankrupt. That really made me sit up and pay attention! Going bankrupt really changes everything, so must only be used as an absolute last resort. Since then, life has been a struggle. But having to deal in cash for pretty much everything (as I only have a basic bank account - not allowed a debit card), I have had to re-learn the value of money. As a result, I'm far more careful with it now. For example, every week with food shopping, I have to add up everything I've put in the trolley, to ensure I dont overspend, work out which items I really need, then put back on the shelves the items I can do without. Its tough, but I have no choice. So dont bail the daughter out, as its only a quick fix and wont teach her anything about being responsible. She's got to learn how to manage her money properly and pay cash for everything to learn the value of money.

mikesussex

We have been helping my stepson and his wife and two sons, but it never ends. They have had £28,000 over the last 10 years, but flounder from one crisis to another. We have run out of money, and asked them not to keep asking. The result is that we are no longer welcome at their house. In the end, it just shows how selfish they can be, and the one who gets hurt is my wife who no longer sees her grandchildren, whom she loves. Remind me - why do we have children?

ethika

baling the daughter out twice before hasn't helped. Put her in topuch with her local CAB office and have her speak to one of their counsellors. She will be given help in budgeting her income and the adviser will talk to her debtors and acceptable arrangements to repay debts. Best then for the parents to help out in ways towards the children, offering them their tea/supper a couple of times a week, buying shoes or clothes. But this time make crtain thir daughter learns a lesson otherwise it is likely she will go through life not taking responsibility and will expect her children to provide for her once her parents are gone.

babyharry5

littleange_com wrote: »

Wow, I don't envy any of your kids if they need your help! :eek:

I would lend her the money interest free at least.

lending money to family & friends is never a good idea - if this girl has been bailed out twice before and not learnt - what makes you think that she will learn this time by lending the money interest free??
she is a grown woman not a KID :mad:

as other members have written, tough love is required, and i think that in order to even start to begin to see the error of her ways she needs to be dumped right in it so that her head is forced out of the sand.
When this happens most of the credit cards etc will be taken off her and she would be unable to do this again - by giving her the money & clearing the debts the credit card companies cant see a problem and her credit rating will remain unaffected leading the way for continued problems in the future.

It is important to for your children to feel that you support them and will help them - however using your own funds to continually support a spending addiction is not HELPING your KIDS

ROBERTWBOATH

tell the daughter to go to a debt agency. there are plenty out there. if the couple bail out the daughter for a 3rd time whats to say she wont do the same again. then what do they do keep bailing her out

:money:

kevgy

Pay off the debts and what will the banks do? Increase the credit limit of course. After all, the debts get paid off. Go with daughter to the CAB and work out a plan with an uninvolved 3rd party advisor. I've see a friend of the family bail his kid out several times. Each time the debt got bigger. He ended up selling his nice house for a flat and no retirement reserves.

Marker_2

toetonic wrote: »

I have been in dire straits at times, unable at one point to afford to buy a loaf of bread but I would NEVER ask or expect my parents to bail me out!! I have made my choices and I live with them. Times have been hard but I never buy anything unless I have the money available i.e. save up! I would rather do without than rely on someone elses money.

OK , I personally save up and buy what I can afford, everything in my house I own. But thats another subject.

Wondering though, at one point you couldnt afford to buy a loaf of bread and didnt ask your parents for a hand for whatever reason? What the hell did your kids eat?

gingerlover

MaidMarianofNottingham wrote: »

Hello

In reply to the moral dilemma, definitely would not bail out daughter for a third time.
re Ginger lover comment
....I do have 1 point to make that the older generation seem to forget, yes interest rates went up by at least 15% in the 80's or 90's when you bought your house, but back then houses were so cheap your could afford to get a house if you wanted to on just 1 income...and you didnt need to be david beckham either! Also you probably got a grant like I did at Uni, no grant means a lot of shouldered debt - this should have been thought about more as it can only get worse.

Houses have never been cheap, the cost of property is relative to income.
In late 60s, we were turned away by our building society where we had saved the necessary 10 per cent deposit, on grounds that we did not earn enough to support payments. We were both employed in public sector, local government and wanted to buy the very least expensive property we could find, 35 miles from both our families.
On my wedding day in church, I wore a dress I had made myself and dyed my
best shoes and handbag to match. We were given pre-enjoyed furniture by family and had realistic expectations of our limited financial horizons and we did not get into debt.

I did not get a grant to get my degree, I paid the fees to the Open University and worked full time while studying.
I now have learned to appreciate the value and hard work involved to achieve what I have.
It is a cruel MYTH that we can have it all.

best wishes to everyone, that is if you are still awake at the back

#

You pulled out the one negative point I made and are picking on it, I later made a post about the 80's saying I admit I have no experience; but i do of the 90's. I have no been in debt either, and I scimp and scrape and save because I was taught how to. I don't think you read my post, please go back and read it not just the quote taken out. It's never to late to learn, as although you can't teach a old dog new tricks, we aren't dogs (which is good as I don't want to eat pedigree chum)! Please don't tar my generation with the same brush...I admit alot of us just need a jolly good slap around the ear, but that is half due to not being taught how to manage money and being spoilt too. Every generation has idiots in it, often I see older people being rude and selfish - but I don't think everyone's the same, as they aren't. Well done for saving, but you aren't doing anything different to me!

P.S. I just wanted to note, I'm planning to sell my home in the UK in 3 years or under, all my possessions and my and my partner and child live with my Mum. Works out well for me too, I have a live in babysitter!! I'm doing it so she won't have to worry about what happens as she is getting older, or bills or anything. I sent her money before when she needed it although she has never said thank you she never needed to. I figure she doesn't need to as she has already given me the money via clothes, food, school uniform etc and im just paying her back a bit. She never gave me money as such, and I had to fight her to get my grant form signed as she called me a sponger for it...but food and clothes are not for free. I love my Mum very much, and I don't want her to worry about anything now. As I say don't tar me with the same brush. Both sides here need to stop being stubborn here and see both points of view.. yes older people you have had lucky situations happen to you; but that's all - luck and you aren't to blame for having good luck and you know how to save so you earnt some of that money; younger people we need to learn how to budget and save more - we should have been taught, but stop being lazy and find out how to do it; don't try to be in competition with others for the spangliest things, and don't EXPECT from your family for hand outs. If your mate gave you £100 for nothing yould think wow, what a great mate and be grateful for a long time - family does it and its so easily forgotten and just expected. I hate this "well it was harder in my day...we had to walk 15 miles for that loaf of bread and grind it with our bare hands!" attitude and the reverse from younger people too, "Oh the older people had it so much easier". All I'm saying all ages have thier problems, but in this ladies case she obviously doesn't know the value of a pound, and the best thing you can do for her is not through money at her but get her some financial advice.

Countertenor

My recommendation would be to let the daughter sink or swim. If they've bailed her out before, and she hasn't learned from her mistakes, she probably won't in the future, unless she's forced to confront her problems and sort them out for herself.

Besides which, why should the parents be left short in their old age, having been prudent & saved for their own future.

As for worrying about the grandchildren - they're the daughter's responsibility, and failing that, the State, if she can't look after them properly. I doubt it would come to that anyway. It's surprising how resourceful women can become if they're left with no other (easy) option.

This is based on personal experience, rather than just a hard line attitude.