Money Moral Dilemma: Should retired parents pay off their daughter's debts?

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Comments

  • kestrya
    kestrya Posts: 2 Newbie
    No, they should not assist her a third time - and this is the reason why.

    In great kindness they have already done so twice - even though theyve retired and have no other source of revenue.

    Despite the risk of the the family losing the house they're in, this can only rest on the "mothers" shoulders...- If it was a first time or second time event then I would argue vastly for teh parents to assist them.

    But as is the case with addicts (and she is an addict to be it retail therapy or simply lack of responsibilty i.e. I dont care, I'll buy want I want, spend what I want - someone will bailme out type of mentality" or whether due to relationship breakdown matters she feels just cant help keep doing it...you must draw a line and a 3rdv time offence is quite fair - Ive known many parents who wouldnt have even offered their children a first time loan/gift of money aid much less twice.

    It's not to punish her or her children but merely so that she will understand her responsibilty as a parent - she obviously has something going on in her midset to cause her to keep doing this over and over.

    How many more times can they help her otherwise, give up their pension and count on the "state"...we may as well put all our faith in a Labour goverment and hope that they will give tax cuts to hard working middle class people and who thinks starting wars for oil /cough I mean Weapons of mass destruction (non existent) is wrong.

    You cant save people from themselves no matter how much you want to, and its not that they havent tried as loving decent parents, they have beyond the call of duty- the fault lies with their daughter not appreciating it.

    Besides if they do lose the house, the council will just place them at the front of any waiting list and give them a free one with lots of benefits (not ideal considering the quality of council estates) but still more than the daughters parents would get nowadsys ^.

    s
  • baazii
    baazii Posts: 2 Newbie
    I didn't ever expect my parents to bail me out. Whilst they might have been able to, plenty of my friends' parents couldn't. And I hope my dad spends every last penny enjoying the remainder of his life rather than keeping it for his will. He earned it; he saved it; his parents left him nothing because they had nothing to leave. This daughter has been bailed out twice already and may not be learning from the experience. It may sound harsh, but how long can adults continue to either blame their parents for their own misfortunes and/or expect them to be cash cows? Bail her out once, yes; twice at a pinch, but three times and risk their own retirement? No way.
  • dillydilly
    dillydilly Posts: 171 Forumite
    GrowMoney wrote: »
    Her parents will be living in a house that their generation has enjoyed increasing in value many times. They have lived the last decade or so believing that they are well off and financially stable based on this over inflated price.

    The daughter is also a home owner. However she is likely to have had to overstretch herself in order to even get onto the bottom rung of the property ladder. Her mortgage payments will take up the majority of her salary, leaving very little left and the inevitable build up of debts.

    Really it is time that the older generation realised that the impossible situation their children find themselves in is largely their fault. That their perceived wealth based on their property price is false and that they need to be passing this capital onto their children now.

    An inheritance when their daughter is in her 60's will be of little use to her. If they paid off £50,000 of her mortgage now it would be life changing for her.

    If they care about their grandchildren they should help her by paying off some of her mortgage. They shouldn't watch their grandchildren grow up in poverty, whilst rattling around in a huge oversized, overpriced house and spanking vast quantities of money on various overpriced and unnecessary [insert your parents spending here]

    GrowMoney

    this comment is so true. Two commonly heard comments make my blood boil:

    "we've worked hard all our lives, now we're going to enjoy ourselves by spending the money in our house" - no, you've benefited from house prices rising well ahead of inflation for the past 10 years, you've probably already spent all the money you earned in your life. Meanwhile those below 20 will struggle to get on the housing ladder for the next 10 years

    "inheritence tax is a crime, why do we have to pay tax twice ?" you don't, you'll be dead. Individuals pay tax, not families. Your 50+ yr old offspring will benefit from this unearned income, which will allow them to go out and buy their 4WD Range Rovers and holiday homes. Sadly again those currently below 20 will probably get to see little of it.
  • My son is 23 and my wife constantly bails him out. He does not work but has many materialistic goods which we have paid for!!
    He does not learn and never will.
  • Scotty_3
    Scotty_3 Posts: 10 Forumite
    They should let her go bankrupt - a very simple procedure through the local county court. If they keep baling her out she will just keep expecting them to!

    If they want to ensure the kids have a roof over their heads then invest their money in a house for them - done properly they could even save on inheritance tax.
  • Taffybiker
    Taffybiker Posts: 927 Forumite
    I agree with most people here. The answer would be a definate NO, but offers of other kinds of help would be fine, not least of which would be to teach her to take control of her finances (as best as I can). I am no expert but I have learned a great deal from this site and the people who visit it.
    Particular thanks has to go to Martin, of course.
    Try saying "I have under-a-pound in my wallet" and listen to people react!
  • moggylover
    moggylover Posts: 13,324 Forumite
    dillydilly wrote: »
    this comment is so true. Two commonly heard comments make my blood boil:

    "we've worked hard all our lives, now we're going to enjoy ourselves by spending the money in our house" - no, you've benefited from house prices rising well ahead of inflation for the past 10 years, you've probably already spent all the money you earned in your life. Meanwhile those below 20 will struggle to get on the housing ladder for the next 10 years

    "inheritence tax is a crime, why do we have to pay tax twice ?" you don't, you'll be dead. Individuals pay tax, not families. Your 50+ yr old offspring will benefit from this unearned income, which will allow them to go out and buy their 4WD Range Rovers and holiday homes. Sadly again those currently below 20 will probably get to see little of it.


    Well! Poor little you! Do what the rest of us had to do - do it the hard way!
    Like your parents did, and your grandparents did, and even my own generation did! The problem is not so much that you cannot afford housing - but that you cannot also afford a flashy car, a brand new sofa, a 42" wide screen TV and new "designer" clothes, cosmetics at ridiculous prices, and nights out that involve binge drinking at horrendous prices.

    Neither could we afford those things. I knew very, very few people who had new furniture and new cars when first buying their own houses when I first did at the age of 24 - so 26 years ago! Nor did they want weddings that cost £20K to put together with enough show to launch a battle-ship! You were lucky to get a buffet in a village hall when I was that young - and your honeymoon was unlikely to be more than one night in a hotel or a couple in a B & B in this Country. It is NOT so very long ago!

    The problem is NOT that you can get so much less than your equals in those days - it is that many young people forget that they are ordinary working class people, from working class backgrounds - who never got much in those days either! Nor in their parents! A generation of "owning their own home" does not make your family the landed gentry - it doesn't even mean you have truly made it to middle class - that was always the genteel preserve of doctors, lawyers, SENIOR civil servants, and bank managers (what's one of those these days? - lol). Even they did not expect to start out in a house for their first home - they bought appartments or flats first and worked their way up as they worked their way up the ladder in their jobs.

    Does our education teach our young so little of its recent history that they have completely lost touch with reality? Or has the media and easy credit made them so greedy that they are eaten up with their envy to the exclusion of all sense!

    When I left Grammer School, just 32 years ago this July - most of my friends did not expect to buy their own homes - the majority still rented accomodation. Nor did they expect to furnish it on a credit card - like me they would have been perfectly happy "making a home" from other peoples discarded furniture - and using their igenuity and design ability to make it homely and attractive. Even 10 years later, working in well paid and senior positions, most of my friends looking to buy a house were looking for the old "dooer-upper" that had been neglected and they would then take years getting it nice - not go out and book a builder and get further into debt to make it happen overnight!

    Good things come to those that wait! Many of us are still waiting for some of those good things - much of my home is still second-hand: but it is MINE, comfortable, clean, and looked after - and I will not be swopping it every time some drip comes on the TV and "creates" a positive mess of a room and calls it "design" or "fashion".

    Your parents support you, raise you, and nurture you in your childhood - why should they then support you in your adulthood?

    When I left school - my wage coming into the house made it possible for my parents to buy their council house - did I feel that, that made it "mine" by rights? No. I felt priviledged to be able to give them something back for the years they went without for me to have the necessities of life - and was humbled and pained on finally inheriting upon my mother's death!

    Think yourself lucky if you still have your parents - you only get one set - and when they are gone it is too late to appreciate them! Unless, of course, you only want them for their money - in which case I hope they leave it to a good cause instead!
    "there are some persons in this World who, unable to give better proof of being wise, take a strange delight in showing what they think they have sagaciously read in mankind by uncharitable suspicions of them"
    (Herman Melville)
  • AngryTank
    AngryTank Posts: 12 Forumite
    Firstly there's no way i'd pay off her debts twice let alone 3 times. I would however sit down with her and work out a budget. If she clearly wasn't able to cope on the money she had coming in when she was living to a budget I'd be prepared to help financially until she was. This would depend solely on her commitment and being open with her finances.

    Finally I suggest this family applies to go on spendaholics on BBC3.
  • pixwix
    pixwix Posts: 122 Forumite
    First Post First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    DON'T DO IT!!!

    And I speak from bitter experience.

    My wife and I have been down the same road with our !!!!less son - one payout after another to keep him out of often serious trouble.

    And after 15 years of it, the only result is that he's as !!!!less and skint as ever, and in our retirement we're now completely broke, after working 40 years to build up a nest egg - in fact we're in serious debt because of him. We look at Martin's pages out of need, not for entertainment.

    I just wish I hadn't been so soft - anyone reading this should take the advice I so stupidly ignored, and leave your offspring to fend for themselves. Being 'soft' just doesn't won't help either side in the long run.

    The obscured word above, by the way, is f.e.c.k.l.e.s.s. Why this forum won't accept it I've no idea.
  • Querida
    Querida Posts: 1 Newbie
    I agree completely with GrowMoney's post. I am a single parent of 2, finding myself in this position partly through choices i've made altho the lack of any financial or practical help from my ex-husband is due to his mental health problems. I work, care for my family and am finishing a degree to improve my earning potential: quite a stressful time in my life when i would especially appreciate some financial security. I can't afford to get on the housing ladder so i currently rent and i'm extremely sensible with my earnings (only debt is £1500 student loan)
    My parents have 3 homes in different countries, and i'm pleased they're enjoying their retirement. When they leave inheritance to me and my brothers i hope to be living a more comfortable life and like GrowMoney says it won't have such a huge positive impact as it could do now. I plan to pass any inheritance on to my children once they have hteir own families so they can benefit at a more crucial point in their lives.
    I've heard that this is often the situation in some other countries and it makes sense to me that it should be adopted here where house prices have increased ridiculously.
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