Money Moral Dilemma: Should retired parents pay off their daughter's debts?

Tiger_greeneyes

Marker wrote: »

Ummmm no, I pay my own way, but as well as working and having a decent living with my family now, I am also putting money aside so when my daughter comes of age, she wont have to struggle.

call me stupid but I thought thats what parents did, worked hard so their kids didnt have to struggle like they did

Why do people think that making your own way in life is such a bad thing? The greatest gift anyone can give their children is independence - and that means teaching them to stand on their own two feet. Maybe half the reason that so many youngsters are so materialistic is because they get handed the easy option on a plate. I'm under no illusions that if I'd been helped out then I'd probably have learned nothing about money and may well have amassed huge debts and lots of misery now.

Give me a way of rolling back time and offer me two options: 1. doing without new furniture, an expensive car, a fat fashionable wardrobe overflowing with shoes and being £30k in debt VS 2. the odd struggle, economising with cheap holidays/cars and own brand foods - but with the pride that comes of doing it all on my own and being debt-free... then call me stupid but I'll choose option 2 any day.

Marker_2

Tiger_greeneyes wrote: »

Why do people think that making your own way in life is such a bad thing? The greatest gift anyone can give their children is independence - and that means teaching them to stand on their own two feet. Maybe half the reason that so many youngsters are so materialistic is because they get handed the easy option on a plate. I'm under no illusions that if I'd been helped out then I'd probably have learned nothing about money and may well have amassed huge debts and lots of misery now.

Give me a way of rolling back time and offer me two options: 1. doing without new furniture, an expensive car, a fat fashionable wardrobe overflowing with shoes and being £30k in debt VS 2. the odd struggle, economising with cheap holidays/cars and own brand foods - but with the pride that comes of doing it all on my own and being debt-free... then call me stupid but I'll choose option 2 any day.

Then that is down to parenting, you can be handed stuff on a plate and still be good with money. I intend to give my child a good financial stepping stone but would still teach her the values of money that I hold.

You lead the path for your kids ... right?

LNRV

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fasteddie48

Having already bailed her out once, then definitely not. People have to take control of their own lives, and that includes their finances. Awful for their kids and you'd still want to help in whatever way you can but having got her out of jail (so to speak) once already, she's then got to realise the consequences of her actions. If you help her again, it only diminishes any potential inheritance you might leave for her kids anyway, so you're being cruel to be kind.
I stress I'd still want to help them in other ways but there's got to be a limit.

MrsE_2

I would take into account that that nest egg was all we had, there would be no more earnings going into it.
Then I would help has what I could afford based on what I had & how long it had to last me.
I would explain to her that my earning was finished, but she still had that for years yet to recover her finances.

How could you not help your child?
You will always be their parent, they will always be your daughter.

apollo54

No by the age of 34 she should learn to manage her finances herself. them giving her money all the time is not helping her .
handing her it on a plate is not teaching her any values

babyharry5

MrsE wrote: »

I would take into account that that nest egg was all we had, there would be no more earnings going into it.
Then I would help has what I could afford based on what I had & how long it had to last me.
I would explain to her that my earning was finished, but she still had that for years yet to recover her finances.

How could you not help your child?
You will always be their parent, they will always be your daughter.

THIS IS EXACTLY MY POINT?
you can help your child - but paying off the debts for the third time is not the help that she needs!

englishmac

gingerlover wrote: »

My first post...so be kind to me!:)
I do have 1 point to make that the older generation seem to forget, yes interest rates went up by at least 15% in the 80's or 90's when you bought your house, but back then houses were so cheap your could afford to get a house if you wanted to on just 1 income...and you didnt need to be david beckham either! Also you probably got a grant like I did at Uni, no grant means a lot of shouldered debt - this should have been thought about more as it can only get worse.

Generally agree with your points and sensible (caring - respect for parents etc) attitude. Despite a similar upbringing, I did get caught up in the have it now, pay for it later approach to life. Am paying for it now, trying not to hang my head in shame but certainly too embarassed to ask for help in the magnitude of the hypothetical situation.

You are wrong about the 'older generation' forgetting though. We took our first mortgage in the 80s. It wasn't a case of the houses being so cheap. The house prices reflected then salaries and essential bills were a huge proportion of the household income for most people at that time, much more than now. It also wasn't a case of getting a mortgage on 'just 1 income' - the rules for what you could afford were much more stict and the formula for calculating what you could borrow were very restrictive. We slept on the floor for 3 months because we couldn't afford a bed. We got a suite when we could afford to, months later. We made do and did without to be able to afford the house. And it wasn't at the top end of what we could lend either.

Also, you may be shouldering debt from student loans but you don't actualy pay it back until you reach a certain income level. and why shouldn't you pay for your studies? You will either a) benefit from your qualifications or b) never put them to good use. Case a) you are paying back what the system supported you with to allow you to have a better life. Case b) you wasted the support that the system gave you. Why should others who went straight out to work and started paying taxes pay for you to have a better life than them? I did not have a grant for uni. I paid my own way through Open University with the money I earned.

Don't bail the daughter out; don't blame the parents - they obvioulsy haven't set a bad example from the details given; help her sort herself out with practical non-financial help, particularly with respect to her kids.. And don't transfer the help to financially bringing up the kids for her. Lots of opportunities for emotional blackmail. If she had wasted the same amount on flash cars and holidays you wouldn't be happy about it. She is responsible for providing basic essentials for her kids.

SarahS_2

Simple answer - not again!

When will she ever learn? I have family just like this - I have to repay my parents debts!!

If the children are the concern maybe the grandparents could develop a trust for them alone, take them away from time-to-time, buy their school uniforms etc.

Tough love necessary I think.

pluglock

No retired parents should not repay daughters debts for the third time.

It's a case of third time unlucky, as far as I'm concerned.