Marriage and living apart?

elisebutt65

Ok - weird question here

My BF and I have been together for 5 years but we don't live together and don't want to really until all our kids have grown up and left home - he has shared custody of his 4 - his eldest is at Uni now anyway but his youngest is just 14. I have 2 and the youngest is 7 so we have a while in front of us and we both like having our own separate lives as well - It's the first relationship for me with no arguments or tension and the bedroom life (ahem) is quite frankly - brilliant!!:D

Anyway - he's getting a will consultant round next week and we've been talking about death and money and stuff - like you do - and he's sort of said that we may have to get married purely from a pension point of view - as he gets a huge Death in Service benefit and that will go to waste if he doesn't have a significant other - apparently it can't be left to his children. I was a bit concerned as well, as if we're not married and he has an accident I will have no say in any treatment at hospital - or (god forbid) funeral arrangements and vice versa! I'm not concerned abut the money stuff as we're financially independent anyway - I'm a full time student with a council house until 2010 and then I'll be going back to work. I do get a bit of HB at the mo and then next year when I'm doing my Masters I'll be getting IS as it's a self funded course with no grants or loans coming in.

But is it possible to get married without living together and would it affect any benefits I get? He won't be staying over more than he does already - 1 or 2 nights a week and no financial contribution? And will I still count as his partner for pension purposes if we don't live together yet?

We're not trying to fiddle anyone or defraud any benefit agencies - just trying to work out what's best and legal for both of us!

debs66_2

hi, i don't have any answers, but i would like to say i believe you re not trying to fiddle anyone.

my mate has been with her partner for 6+ years. they live apart, about 8 miles apart, and she loves it that way. they spend a few days a week overnight together, at either house, but she loves the thought of having her own time in her own space, and has even said if they marry, which is not out of the question, she would prefer to keep the same arrangement.

sorry i couldn't help with the problem, but thought you should know you're one of the new-thinking crowd, and not on your own!

glossgal

I don't think you're neccessarily trying to fiddle anyone but I do think you both have a very poor interpretation of what marriage is about if you're considering this:eek:

Also, it is cobblers that his kids can't inherit from death in service benefit- if he nominates them it's a done deal. Sorry, I think you're priorities are all wrong here

Paparika

wow what a marriage proposal, sorry that was just a little joke.

I think you should get some legal advice on this, as the wrong advice could leave you with no benefits etc..

good luck, i can see one advantage to it tho, you don't hear him snore

BillScarab

glossgal wrote: »

I don't think you're neccessarily trying to fiddle anyone but I do think you both have a very poor interpretation of what marriage is about if you're considering this:eek:

Also, it is cobblers that his kids can't inherit from death in service benefit- if he nominates them it's a done deal. Sorry, I think you're priorities are all wrong here

I'm not sure it's a done deal. For our death in service benefit we complete an "expression of wish" form which says who we wnat the money to go to, but it's up to the trustees to decide who it actually goes to. Obviously there would have to be pretty special circumstances to ignore the "expression of wish" form though. It was the same at the last company I worked for too.

Personally I don't se that there's anything wrong with this. People in the armed forces spend months apart, there are also plenty of people who have a flat in a city to use during the working week and only go home at weekends. It's not that different.

glossgal

Well, done deal may be a bit flippant but it would be very unusual for children not to benefit from the payment at the express wish of the deceased.

Agree there's nothing wrong with married people spending time apart, course not, but OP is talking about marriage for the purpose of financial gain only (at least from the tone of the post). I think this is sad, yes people live their lives differently but does that mean anything goes? is is really a good thing to be getting married or putting off marriage purely because of how it may effect benefits and pensions? there are kids involved, what does this say to them about marriage and relationships? I'm pretty liberal but c'mon, lets draw a line somewhere.

On a practical level you don't know someone till you live with them and I wouldn't wanna be making that kind of leap without a road test!

Merlot

Personally speaking I don't think the "marriage" thing would work, as the above poster pointed out, it will affect your benefits etc, and who knows the council may even get snotty with you over the council house, there is a huge demand for houses, and if you have a husband you should live with him.

My husband death in service can be left to anyone he chooses, he needs to fill in a form supplied by the company, as he did in his last job too.

I too think you are doing this for all the wrong reasons, get a will written, it will save you from getting "married".

elisebutt65

Catwoman1975 wrote: »

Do they all claim benefits though? I have no objection to the OP and her partner living apart, but if she is claiming benefits that is wrong. If they are married, he should support her. I would be loaded if I could claim as a single parent and have my husband’s wage. Why should the OP get entitlements that I don't? It is their choice to run two households. Why should taxpayers have to pay fund it?

WTH??? He should support me??? What era of the middle ages do you come from???? I'll only be on IS for about 8 months whilst I'm having to attend lectures and only getting about £5/week as I'll be doing some teaching hours to pay for childcare. Once I'm at the Dissertation stage I'll be free to get a mostly full time job as I only have to go into college to get a supervisor check and hand it all in.

It's not purely for financial reasons as I said in my OP - I would like us both to be able to have a say in each others lives should anything bad medically happen as well. We have discussed marriage for the last few years and yes we have been a bit cold and clinical about it but we've both got bad marriages tucked under our belts and don't want to go into this blinded by love etc.

We also both want all our 6 kids to be looked after should anything happen to either or both of us, so yes we may appear to be putting financial reasoning ahead of love, commitment and general besottedness(is that a word?) but having read various tales of woe on here with couples splitting with terrible financial troubles - Is that such a bad thing???? And yes I've suggested a pre-nup as well as he is a big swing hitter when it comes to salary, whilst I will only ever earn a uni lecturers wage when I've finished and got a job and I don't think it's fair if we get divorced to take him for more than I came into the marriage with.

We will be buying a house and moving in together once the kids have left home, unless I get up the duff in the meantime :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:


Also he does want me to benefit from his death with his pension as he has heaps of insurance and his own flat to leave to the kids anyway. I've also decided to get my financials sorted as well - I don't have much in financial capital apart from a 1/4 mill insurance policy that will be in trust for the kids, but I still have a frozen pension and will be paying into one again once I'm working again.

This isn't a thread about the general lovey doveyness of marriage - money isn't all we're thinking about - this thread is purely about the finance of it and we do think about the other stuff - just don't want to talk about it here???

glossgal

Fair enough on the official front but I don't see why you have to be married for this? If OH has a will then his estate can be divided as he wishes, same with insurance I would've thought. Im not married btw so don't really care about whether it's unromantic but it just seems odd to me..and claiming benfits when your husband is loaded is pretty rum.

ShockingPink

No one's suggesting your OH should support you because he's a man, but because he's your partner. That's what couples do - they support each other. You should not be on benefits if your family income is too high.

Merlot

If the DSS got wind of this marriage and you are not living with a husband who is well off, and claiming benefits, it will look like fraud to them, and you could well be living apart at HM pleasure. It's not worth it...Get legal advice and get a will.