Counselling for verbal abuse - does it work?

Guinevere_2

Thanks for your replies

An update really - He made an appointment to see his gp earliest one is next tuesday.

I've been doing an awful lot of thinking in the last few days and really his verbal abuse goes much further than just his angry rants. I feel really stupid about it but he is actually quite controlling and manipulating in general, not just with me but with our son too. I feel blind for not noticing it sooner! But i stood up to him yesterday when i realised what was happening and i feel really good about it. He refused to allow our son(15) to go on holiday with his uncle for a week as he said he wouldn't be safe without him there and he didn't trust his brother to care for him properly This is rubbish as he has been away with him before and his brother is trustworthy. So i overruled him and called his brother and told him our son could go. He didn't like it and unbelievably said that our son would probably meet with his death on holiday now:eek: I told him to stop being so ridiculous and stop trying to manipulate me and it wasn't going to work this time. That stopped him in his tracks!

Also our son had an appointment this morning and usually my oh insists on not only coming along too but driving us there and back ( i can drive and i have my own car!) But i didn't tell him of this appointment until today, he really wanted to come but i said i didn't need him to come and he seemed a bit surprised. The way i'm feeling right now, he is going to have to get used to it as tbh i just feel suffocated by him and that's got to stop.

Paparika

Fleago wrote: »

Guinivere,

I'm glad your OH is prepared to be pro-active and seek help for his issues. It might be worth him seeing his GP; the reason I suggest this is because I have had clients in the past who have had anger management issues and they have been given help via their GP's. I don't know if this might be dependent on geographical area though, but worth a try to see if NHS help is available in your area?

Good luck, I hope things work out well for you and your OH and that he can get the help he needs.

Fleago

I'd back this up, lots of counceling you need a gp referal as well as the gp being able to help

Loretta

Guinevere wrote: »

Thanks for your replies

An update really - He made an appointment to see his gp earliest one is next tuesday.

I've been doing an awful lot of thinking in the last few days and really his verbal abuse goes much further than just his angry rants. I feel really stupid about it but he is actually quite controlling and manipulating in general, not just with me but with our son too. I feel blind for not noticing it sooner! But i stood up to him yesterday when i realised what was happening and i feel really good about it. He refused to allow our son(15) to go on holiday with his uncle for a week as he said he wouldn't be safe without him there and he didn't trust his brother to care for him properly This is rubbish as he has been away with him before and his brother is trustworthy. So i overruled him and called his brother and told him our son could go. He didn't like it and unbelievably said that our son would probably meet with his death on holiday now:eek: I told him to stop being so ridiculous and stop trying to manipulate me and it wasn't going to work this time. That stopped him in his tracks!

Also our son had an appointment this morning and usually my oh insists on not only coming along too but driving us there and back ( i can drive and i have my own car!) But i didn't tell him of this appointment until today, he really wanted to come but i said i didn't need him to come and he seemed a bit surprised. The way i'm feeling right now, he is going to have to get used to it as tbh i just feel suffocated by him and that's got to stop.

I have heard that people are controlling because they are allowed to be.

When you think about it you have recently done a couple of things that have 'not allowed' him to control you and now you can see for yourself that if you say no to him that's it. Of course you can take your son, just the two of you to an appointment and really there is nothing he can do about it. If he makes a fuss about things do what you have just done, don't tell him. If you don't want all the fuss and 'acting up' from him don't tell him anything. The more of this you do the more confidence you will have and you will probably get round to leading your own life without him. If you are not at risk there is no rush you will get there in your own good time.

He wll be left out of your life and that will be his problem. He can either behave and get some help with HIS problem or he can do the other thing.

A great start, keep going and let us know how you get on. Good luck

Guinevere_2

Loretta wrote: »

I have heard that people are controlling because they are allowed to be.

Yes, I've heard that too, and it really frustrates me because i can't believe i've allowed this to happen to me!! Now that i've taken a step back and am analysing (sp) what's going on in my life i'm beginning to realise just how bad things have got. I rarely do anything without him there so i went off to the shops earlier and when he asked where i'd been i told him to mind his own business so i'm now being ignored but it's better than being interrogated!

I'm sat here now just thinking about all the special occasions, and parties etc that i have missed over the years because of this man. xmas parties, anniversary parties, engagements, christenings, birthday's, bar-b-q's, weddings, and even funerals all usually because he doesn't want us to go! rarely i have defied him and he generally then has a huge tantrum and then i go without him or he tags along telling me how carp it all is!! Strangely enough we don't get invited out much anymore.

I've just been reading through my 1st post and i think the reason he is sweet and loving most of the time is the fact that i have let him get his own way with everything. I'm kind of in shock because i'm not a weak person, i just feel he has done it all so sneakily i just didn't realise what he was doing i thought he was just moody.

BallandChain

Hi Guinevere. I found this website and thought you might like to take a read:

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Types/faces.htm

The paragraph on 'Isolation' is particularly relevant for you from what you say especially on the bit about family get togethers.

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pboae

If it's any consolation he may not have realised what he was doing either. Controlling relationships can just develop slowly over time, with one partner giving in more and more and the other taking advantage of that a little more each time. It may have genuinely come as a shock to him as well to realise how bad it has got.

Years ago I did some research for a Women's Aid group, they were doing follow ups on couples were the man had been sent to counselling as an alternative to prosecution for violently assaulting their partner. The response was generally pretty good, with more than half the women saying things had improved a lot for them. As the men were there under duress rather than by choice (given the option of counselling or jail, few would pick the latter!), and these were long term and often very violent abusers that was considered to be pretty impressive result.

So although it's only a guess based on that, I would imagine that someone who is less out of control (IYSWIM) and attending voluntarily would be even more likely to respond well to it. So even if the wait is 6 months, make sure he has his name down now. If something better comes up in the meantime, great, but if not, at least it will come up eventually.

Debt_Free_Chick

If you want counselling on the NHS then, yes, you need a GP referral. And my guess is that there will still be a waiting list.

If you are willing and able to pay for counselling, you can simply find a local counsellor and book an appointment direct. There is no need to involve your GP and your GP need not even know, if you don't want them to.

My counsellor costs just £35 an hour. I had been seeing her once a week, but I'm so much better now that I just go "now & then" - mostly, as she is now the person who knows me best and I miss her

You can find a local counsellor through the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. I found mine through that site - reviewed all those available but liked the sound of her from her website.

Sounds like hubby could do with "anger management" - the counselling will allow him to explore what makes him angry and why. Chances are, he'll find it's just his own fears & insecurity - things he's not even aware of. Once he is aware of him, he'll hopefully find that there's nothing to be afraid of. That's a huge oversimplification of the general principle, but counselling is about "self discovery". I found it the most enlightening and uplifting experience of my whole life, although I went on a real rollercoaster with it. I sure got worse before I got much, much better.

He will need all your patience & support through this, though. It will take time and he's not going to change immediately.

MonkeySaving?

I think it's great that your husband has admitted to himself he has a problem so quickly and has already taken steps to get this resolved. I am a firm believer that both emotional abuse (verbal abuse falls into this category) and physical abuse can be stopped as long as the parties are aware of why it is happening and what the key triggers are.
In the first place and to assist with the counselling i can highly recommend this book for your husband http://www.amazon.co.uk/Emotionally-Abusive-Relationship-Abused-Abusing/dp/0471454036/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1209714218&sr=8-2
For you, i would recommend this, http://www.amazon.co.uk/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Recognize-Respond/dp/1558505822/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1209714218&sr=8-1
A starting point would be to read these books together so you understand the extent of the problem. I don't want to sound all managerial but you need to work as a team to get this resolved, he has already made the first step by admitting the problem, you have made the first step by recognising you are a victim. Fingers crossed it all get better from here

Guinevere_2

BallandChain wrote: »

Hi Guinevere. I found this website and thought you might like to take a read:

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Types/faces.htm

The paragraph on 'Isolation' is particularly relevant for you from what you say especially on the bit about family get togethers.

Thanks for this. I've just been reading through it and you're right the 'isolation' and 'verbal abuse' sections are totally him.

I do feel very isolated. My family rarely come to visit and i have no friends left at all. I've had no contact with my best friend for 3 years, he absolutely insisted i stop seeing her and made it into a choice between her or our marriage. Looking back I think she could see what was going on with him and was trying to encourage my independence a bit more and he hated that. I feel so stupid.

Guinevere_2

pboae wrote: »

If it's any consolation he may not have realised what he was doing either. Controlling relationships can just develop slowly over time, with one partner giving in more and more and the other taking advantage of that a little more each time. It may have genuinely come as a shock to him as well to realise how bad it has got.

I think this is what has happened with our marriage. He is genuinely a good guy, and this is the reason i'm still with him. He has always been adoring of me though and it seemed to start from there really him saying i'm too good for him and me trying to reassure him i'm not going to leave it's just snowballed over the years!

It's reassuring to hear that the counselling should help, and yes he has put his name down for it, but i hope he finds something sooner.